Where to start?!

 I am 28 years old. My parents split up about 12 years ago and I have felt guilty about it ever since - I was the one who helped my Dad move the last of his stuff out of our house and have always felt like it was me who effectivley ended the relationship.

Since then I have felt worse and worse as time has gone on. I was always a very talkative boy when I was at school - I was forever in trouble for talking, but now I could quite easily sit in silence just staring at the tv for hours on end.

Everything stresses me out - even the simplist of tasks. this causes me to not do things which REALLY need done like stuff at work or at home. My flat is a total mess, I have dishes that I havnt touched in almost a year, I have stuff to do for work that I just ignore in the hope that it will go away. The work stuff if not done will lead me to lose my job, but I cant bring myself to do it.

My sleep pattern is all over the place - I can sleep for 12 -14hrs and still feel tired. Getting to sleep is the hardest bit, I can lie awake at nite for hours on end.

I am relativley sucessfull at work, but I feel unworthy of where I am and dont think I deserve to be here. As a result of that I try to only do what I really must do to get thru my shift and then go home. I can see me losing my job soon and if that happens then I will lose my home too.

Things just seem to be spiralling downwards now and I can see them getting any better. I dont want to talk to me family about it as my sister has had very bad depression(self harming and suicide attempts) and my mum has had to deal with this too, and I dont want to let them down.

 Advice Please!!!

 M

Thanks for the welcome! The guilt comes form the fact that by helping him move the last of his stuff out was, to me, the final nail in the coffin for their relationship. There was no spite involved to my mum whatsoever. The split up was down to my dad cheating on my mum. Like I said, I have always felt like it was me who brought the curtain down on the marrage so to speak by being the 1 to help move the last of his things out.

 I have always felt pressure to do well at shool, work etc because from everyone in the family I had been told - You have to do this or that cos your dad did it and was sucessful.

I have got to the stage now where because of this I feel tremndous pressure from anything - its getting too much now.

Welcome to the Wall, Martyboy.

That question by Roze is exactly what came to my mind after reading your first reply: And who has been looking after you all these years and all that you carry?  I can only ask it again.

Do you remember what were your feelings that dreadful day when you helped your father ? How was your relationship with him before, and how has it evolved since ? 

About the final curtain, how about you look at the way you helped him that day as "just" a way to share with him a last intimate moment before an uncertain (then) future rather than the final nail in the coffin ? I mean, you were only sixteen. It's not an easy time at all, and I can only wonder how did you felt then by watching your parents split up ?

And what is your position in your family ? From what you wrote I think you are not at the rightone, not martyboy's position. That's probably why you're now "collapsing" under the weight of what you should never had to bear.

An advise ? It's urgently time you start to think and take care of yourself. Big-time!!! Only yourself, and at (almost) any price !!!

Hey guys.

Well, I have had my mum. But as soon as I got the chance I moved away from home for about 4 years trying to get away from it all. I started using drugs and drinking heavily - it was just a way to make me feel better. Since then, I've been on my own really. When I moved back to Scotland my mum had moved house about 2hrs drive away and I had to stay with my gran for a while - then for no reason she kicked me out leaving me effectivley homeless. I stayed with my sister for a while until I could buy a flat. Now the stress of that is building too. I never got a chance to ask my gran why as she did soon after.

When I helped my dad move out I was devestated. I cryed all the way home in the car. We spoke a few times after that but then their divorce got messy, because of him, and now I aint seen him for several years. It was hard watching them split up - really hard. I didnt really know what was happening, there were arguements and lots of shouting - I buried myself in video games to get away from it.

I dont want to tell my sister about this right now as I dont want anything bad to happen to her and I think that she might start hurting herself again if anything goes wrong.

This is hard for me as ever since then I have just hidden my feelings about everything, but I am worried that this will lead to much bigger problems soon.

Hey martyboy

Seems like so much you have had to carry in the last years - the loss of your Dad in your daily life and then not seeing him for years, your sister's self harming, seeing your Mum through the divorce and its aftermath, not understanding why your gran acted as she did, feeling pressure to succeed. You tried to hide it in drink and drugs and yet it does not go away.

No wonder you are feeling low. Who has been taking care of you all of these years and helping you through your parents split up and all that followed? You write that you were devastated by your Dad's leaving - devastation does not simply disappear. Even now you are continuing to protect your Mum and Sister - this time, from your feelings.

That is one shed load of stuff to be holding martyboy. Yet it is powerful that you have started to talk, to release some of that simply by being here. It may be that you find it helpful to talk to a counsellor or therapist too; someone who will provide absolute space for you and your feelings. For now, i am just so struck by an image of a 16 year old boy shaking with tears as he came back from helping his Dad move his stuff. What was your relationship with your Dad like up to then - i sense he was a very vital person to you? Thinking of you martyboy....with love roze xx

You have such beautiful natural instincts martyboy to protect the people that you love. Moving out your Dad's things may have also been a way of protecting your Mum - helping take away the reminders of him that would cause her pain. What is your Mum like? Do you feel you could talk to her about some of your feelings or even ask her what she felt about you helping your Dad? Sometimes we tie ourselves in emotional knots making assumptions about what other people feel. I know that the feelings that my family hid from one another and the assumptions that came to fill the absence of the spoken were ultimately very destructive. I am just sending you such a big hug and a shoulder if you need one.....with love, roze

Hey Marty,

First I just want to repeat that you are not alone here and I easily understand your feelings about the "inhuman" aspect of a web site. But please, if you have nowhere else to go, no one else to turn to, come here and write down what and/or how you feel. Don't keep it for you. I can only encourage you to go see a therapist. Thus, you'll have a moment, every week, just for you and for the healing of your soul. And it's really great.

You are not the only one that avoid truth when scared. Almost everyone reacts like that, perhaps even more in this kind of situation. It works for a while, but then the problem comes back, stronger, again and again. The wave grows and you know what can happen in the end if you do nothing. The only good way for your own respect is to face reality. It won't be easy at first, and sometimes afterwards too, but you'll learn to understand what it's all about, you'll learn to live your own feelings. You'll do that simply because you love yourself much more than you can perhaps imagine.

Perhaps you are scared of the unknown ground you are about to enter, while right now, and since a good deal of time, you've been on a well-known ground, the one that is hurting you. A fight is going on in your mind. One part (darkness) wants to stay there because it's "warm and confortable" and the other part tries to move forward, to change things, to stay or move back into the light where the other part will have to show its real face which it doesn't want at all.              It's a bit simplistic the way I wrote/described it, but that's most probably what's going on inside you. If you are affraid of what the others may think of you, don't tell them, except if it's really  necessary. This is your secret garden after all. And if you let them know, be prepared to see who your real friends are.

Hugs, Os. 

Hi Martyboy and welcome.

 I  was wondering  towards the  end of your post what you would think if you were reading all this about someone else. I wonder if you would heap the responsiblity of a divorce on to a person who helped his dad move the last of his stuff out  after a   marriage breakdown. The last  nails in the coffin of your parents marriage it seems to me were hammered into place by  both your parents - you merely helped remove the already dead remains of the marriage  outside the  home . Roze  suggested that it was time to look after you . Who can best do this?  I think  it's you - with some help  And it seems that it's time you asked yourself what it is you want from life not what others want or expect of you .

Could you share with us some of your interests - what has brought you happiness in the past?  Hope  these few  thoughts  are of some help. With hugs from Cate  xx

Hey folks.

I'll be honest - the fact that this is a faceless webby is good for me right now. I dont have to look into someones eyes and tell them the things that I can more easily type here. I think that thats why this is a good first step for me.

I find it difficult to ask for help - I think thats gonna be the biggest obsticle to me getting thru this. Thinking back, I cant remember getting help at things from my dad and if he was there he would do it and not help me to. Sine then I have tried to do everything myself, even if its not up to me to get it done.

I started smoking dope a couple of years before all of this happened and looking back, I think that I may have been using that as my crutch all of these years. I have been smoking less lately and now these feelings are coming to the surface.  That worries me too.

M

The feelings you mention coming to the surface is hard and extremly hard to deal with, but you are being positive at the moment which is good, positive by being here and getting your thoughts out of your head, positive in the fact you know you need to talk the fact you recognise that is a huge big step in the right direction to help you get this straight in your head, and get your life back on track.  We all hear to listen and help as much as we can.

Hey folks! Hope all is well.

As I'm sure is the same with most people in my situation - I have good days and bad. The last couple have been of the better ones! I still feel under pressure and low, but its not been too bad the last 2 days.

Work is a real downer just now - as a manager I have lots of people who rely on me and this has started to remind me of being away from work which makes it difficult to get thru a shift.

Since I found The Wall, things have started to become clearer to me. I can see now that the way I deal with stresses and worries is not a healthy way to do it. I just shut them out and try not to deal with them - I have been like this for a long time. Anything that upsets me or worries me just gets pushed to the side and replaced in my head with something more familiar like a song. I dont think that I can carry on like this for too much longer. I feel that there is only so long that I can do that for before everything just bursts out and I 'go postal'.

Being able to get things like this off my chest has helped and I think that I will be able to take the steps that I need to sooner rather than later.

As for the dope - I'm not sure yet. Thats one of the scariest things for me - not knowing how I will be able to deal with things when I'm sober. When I'm stoned I can use that to help block out the things that worry me and use tv or music as it make the audio and visual much more appealing and a bigger focus. When I'm sober, I dont think I know how to deal with my problems properly and thats why I have started to feel like this.

M

Dear MB

I do so hope that your good spell has continued. I was very moved by reading your story and the strength that you have shown in your family. I send you my best wishes, 

Hey guys. Sorrynot been on for a while - things have been really hectic at work and thats taken most of my time away of late.

Anyway, quick update - I have had some good and bad days over the last wee while, but things have been starting to get on top of me the last few days and I have got an appointment to see my GP this morning. I'm nervous as hell, my hands are shaking and sweating - I just dont know what to expect.

My feelings have been pushing me to smoke more and more recently and untill I can get some help with that I dont think I will make any progress. Its been affecting my work and the only two solutions I can see to get me out of this are either to hurt myself (but I'm too afraid to do that!) or go to see my doctor (I'm afraid of that too, but not as afraid as of hurting myself!). I just know that I cant get thru this on my own like I was hoping I could.

I have been reflecting on some things recently and the one I keep coming back to is that I dont want to be a burden on anyone - I think that stems from my relationship with my father. I remember always wanting to do things with him but him not having the time and me feeling like I was a burden to him rather then a son. That has carried on thru my life and now I realise that I cant do this alone and that I will need support.

Will keep you posted on what happens with the Doc - should be over in a few hours!

M

Thanks Roze, I will.

M

Right then folks - f**k me that was hard!!! I have always tried to be the strong one, and opening up like that really hit home that I do need help! My Doc was great, very understanding and really helpful. The upshot is that I have been signed off work for the next 2 weeks and she has put me on a course of Fluoxetine 20mg. I was more honest about things than I had expected to be and a lot more emotional than I expected to be too. BUT, I have taken the next step and hopefully am now on the right road to get myself sorted out properly.

I have arranged to go see my sister this afternoon - she works for me so will find out eventually and I think it would be much better for her to hear it from me than someone else. She is probably a lot stronger than I give her credit for and I can see her ending up as a big support for me. This is the next step tho and to be taking it so soon after the last is a daunting prospect, but its arranged now and I just need to close my eyes and tell her whats going on.

Thanks for all the messages of support. I will continue to report back on my progress over the coming days as you have all been really helpful to me in realising that something had to be done and that I could do it. Thanks again one and all.

Speak soon,

M