Good evening Summer on a summer's night -

That was the first time in a while you have had a spill of feelings.  That feeling of being trapped in a glass box with all being able to control you is a strong image you have planted in my brain - the monkey and the elephant image just makes me smile because I see them getting on rather well - and I guess I think there is a bit of elephant in the monkey and a bit of monkey in the elephant.

So this isn't a new thing for you is it Summer - is it really just how you feel with this fellow at work or has this been a feature of how you have felt for a while - I remember you describing being the butt of bullying at school.  I just wonder if you are trying to work out how to deal with these feelings in your current environment without working out what happened way back to start it rolling like this.  I stufffed around for years trying to fix my "now" without being honest about what lay underneath it all.  Oh well you know me well enough that I can get into blurt mode and be direct.  So tell me to sod off if I am way off track or you just don't want to go there ....

I see it is fairly late in your neck of the woods - hope you are finding some space for rest from this - and wishing you some peace.  love you lots brother summer - keep talking  UM xxx 

Hello S, would it be possible for you to take your anger out of the equation and perhaps just forcefully express your opinion - rather than be angry, shoulders back and be strong? Tell them what you think.

Being unable to express how you feel is making you angry, perhaps it is not the people themselves. 

Wx

All this stuff could be a psychologists/counsellors gravy train cos there is more. Add to that heady mix of fxxxx up parenting a long trm partner who was so different. Coming from a family of 9 siblings I envied the way his experience of fighting over the meals and favours had equipped him with the ability to get his own way. A very aggressive man who suffers no fools - except as he see's it this one for 20 years. Perhaps one reason I was with him because of the echo of motherly aggression.

So I am conscious of always failing. Not matching up to how he dealt with things to his own ends.

Wolfie your insight is subtle indeed. Is it the people or is it that I cannot express how I feel without a) Curling into a corner and apologising for existing or b) starting World War Three. Yes  it is about assertiveness - the middle way - trouble is after a life time of the background described above there is no university on earth that can make me feel it. My head is an expert in it. I have bloody trained the stuff. Joke or what? On the few occasions I have really tried to put it into practice the results have been spectacular. But always the 'glass box' closes in. Powerful um - I have felt that image from my teens. Vaguely recall I got it from Edgar Alan Poe's 'Fall of The House of Usher' - being trapped alive in, this time, a glass coffin.

Somebody throw me the key please

Thank you for listening

Summer XX

swon, really, what would matron say?

I was just returning to my post to be appalled (see what I mean) by the spelling etc and found a response 4 mins later. Jeez young man - you must get out more on a Saturday night. It will not last you long on the balloon trip if you take in stuff at that speed.

Thanks so much for the warmth. I am really being unfair about work. Bullying is such an emotive word. Judging by horrific examples on here I do not know what it means. It is really me not them. Not allowing me to be myself - and they know it hence the glass box. They are so mainstream and I took a different turning long ago. The sexuality was only the iceing on the cake!

You said something in another post about a choice you had - you now know yourself and it gives you the choice of being comfortable etc. Rang loud and clear here. In fact I think it was the first time time I had seen it put so starkly. Really affected me. Thank you so much.

Big sloppy Manly........peck on the cheek luv

Summer

All of this love and manliness is a fine thing to be able to enjoy in life.  Swon's post has my jaw aching from smiling so much - you are a real brick Swon.  I guess the answer to the question of who is there for us when we need support if clear from this TA - we are - I love that fact that old and new Wallers can mix together - good on you Pixel  - we are all supporting and learning together aren't we?

Yep you are right Summer - the fates appear to have given you a certain character - but it isn't as if you need to throw off your entire skin - just get some minor adjustment - maybe tats over tucks but I don't know. 

You are fundamentally I wonderfully kind, sensitive, and generous person - so you don't want to take that part of your skin off - it is just the bit about being able to say in a matter of fact way that you have a different view of how and why things should happen without needing to engage in anger (good one Wolfie). 

So you have trained this stuff.  You know the theory and how the behaviour should look.  It is the actual practice.  So to the man who leads a life of quiet solitude outside of work here is something I offer for you to consider.   Have you thought about finding a local drama group or even one of those studios where they specialise in coaching around improvisations and take that role play exercise to a new level?  What are the other "characters" that are inside of you that might be able to come out and assist?  Is that terrifying - I suspect so.  I have seen the look of fear in the faces of clients that I coach when I suggest this - but I really like the look of confidence a few weeks later. 

You are right about me sitting in a room with many clocks - I adore time - it fascinates me on many levels and we have such an ancient approach to it.    I would like to be sitting in the library of Bruce Wayne - from the tele series set - deeply lined with books - don't really want the bat phone but actually I downloaded Fox Clocks on to my browser here.  I have always had to work across the Australian and New Zealand time zones but now because of my fondness for a few Wallers it now spans from the East coast of the US to GMT.  But really at the moment I have my laptop in the back big open family room that has a big fire and there is no sign of Alfred anywhere.

lots of love dear brother

UMxx 

Hello Summer76,

You called this post "why am I a pushover" but from what has been said here it doesn't sound like you are.  You sound like a good guy that thinks a lot.  Why do you see yourself so negatively?  ant.

Dear Summer - dear friend Summer - Maid is right you know - role play to reinforce your own changing patterns, so that you can come right out and gently say what you need.  If you cannot face what Maid suggested, a drama group of some sort - how about writing out scenarios for yourself, and declaiming them to the mirror?

Patterns -old tapes - keep us trapped in habits and paths that may not be good for us.  To change that, the stream must change direction - a dam must be built, and the water course moved to flow elsewhere.  Hard, but not impossible.  And certainly something you understand very well, but need to DO as well as understand. 

Years ago there was a situation where I worked where the accountant made life hell for everyone - screaming down the phone at folk, ranting and raving - made it impossible to operate - I had outside targets to meet, as my work was government funded - and had to meet those requirements as well as in-house ones.  My head was quite flat on top from butting into the brick wall.

One day I gave up, and said to her, over and over, over the top of her yelling, that I really wanted to help her, to make it right for her, to make her job easier - and she finally listened, just because I was so fed up I would not leave her office or stop saying "How can I help you?"  She was so taken aback, because she thrived on controversy and feuding - but eventually I managed to work with her, by dint of never hearing her nastiness, and always assuming she was being helpful.  She did not know how to react to constant extreme politness and accomodating behaviour [masking my iron determination to do my job] so I managed to get along.  That may not help you - but that is what I did, pretended that she was nice, and kept being nice back. 

Wish I could go in there and do role plays with ya, I do!  You gotta get the upper hand and do some winning here, I feel, to get your confidence back.

Lotsa luv

Jo

Hey posters, left this one till last thing again. The time I stopped talking/writing and started doing is long overdue. Trouble with that is I kid myself I can do it myself. Unlike a lack of communication skills like the poor inarticulate um ( sorry um - queen of sensitivity that you are  - I really appreciated what you meant elsewhere - it is just that that will stay with me for a while)  I am good at rambling. There I go again - avoiding my own bloody subject.

Counselling - Role Play? In other words doing - of sorts. It has to be a must I think. Heard of it before and thought of trying something like it. I can accept it would be challenging. I suspect however what it may reveal is I am not trying to be assertive but come out as a winner. Getting a hole in one. Revenge. Another reason to dislike myself.

Examples only today where I was presented with 'an open goal' but from the beginning of time did I kick that ball - was the moon brighter than the sun this morning? Long ago I was told by someone I liked and respected that I like to be liked too much. Now interpreting that as finding my only self worth through others.

Perhaps this is also about actually learning to like being disliked - by people I would not choose to be with - for the right reasons.

So summing up - jomo the earth goddess - I like your idea of being overnice. I am sure it can work with some. But for me it would be dangerous I think. Turn me to pure sachirine.

swon - The role play on here sounds intrigueing. I would like the fun element but wary that would be no one physically at my side to help with the tears or anger when it was working.

Enough dear people

Take Care

summerXX

Dearest Sister, please do not take me so literally. 'Enough' meant I was tired of the sound of my own......typing. This cup you speak of? Where can I get one?

The subject of Roleplay on here. I did not mean to sound dimissive and certainly not distrusting. Perhaps if - when- the occasion next arises I will call you all to the challenge. Thing is um you of all people know that 70% of communication is non verbal. Acting out stuff on here - useful as it might be - would still be like reading a self help book. (Got a shelf of those!). I always imagined the point of doing something like this in Counselling was because it was physical interaction and immediate - you do not know what is coming next. Two live personalities engaging.

I mentioned before I often know what to say. I mentioned the open goal. God I have had thousands of those were someone I am having difficulty with has clearly contradicted themselves- left themselves vulnerable to some long overdue criticisim - or have have said something that proved my earlier point etc. It is the single inability in me to actually mouth and make the sound of the words my head is telling me. I am being extreme. There are times when I do shock them and 'come out of hiding'.

I am very conscious that much of this is possibly making me sound very confrontational - or at least a wanna be. Guilty. At least as far as certain values and ill thought through opinions are concerned. I have explained to a few people before that I spend a liftime in the classroom being the professional and coaching 'the best' out of people. Takes alot out of me and needs immense rstraint sometimes. When I leave it I expect to be allowed to be a little more of myself with colleagues. That is my excuse anyway!

Log Out - Time Out - May see you in a minute

Just in case BWW - After the the K word this post is probably being read somewhere in the Pentagon- Brit humour honest guv.

Jeez um this is almost live - careful;

I heard of a Saint who had loved you, so I studied all night in his school,

He taught that the duty of lovers, was to tarnish the golden rule.

Just when I was sure that his teachings were pure, he drowned himself in a pool.

Not lovers/Not drowning but waving across the continents um. Thank you Sister. More to come

Summer

X

S76

I am so moved by this talkabout. It is like layers of a rather fragrant onion - red i think, born in an Italian field, warmed by the sun, bought in a Tuscan market, peeled lovingly, softening gently in olive oil and so sweet to the taste.

I find your humour wonderful - that being the outer layer that protects the sensitive soul of a poet that lies within.

As a sister Cohen follower, i find In My Secret Life an apt expression of much that i see in you.

I saw you this morning.
You were moving so fast.
Can't seem to loosen my grip
On the past.
And I miss you so much.
There's no one in sight.
And we're still making love
In My Secret Life.

I smile when I'm angry.
I cheat and I lie.
I do what I have to do
To get by.
But I know what is wrong,
And I know what is right.
And I'd die for the truth
In My Secret Life.

Hold on, hold on, my brother.
My sister, hold on tight.
I finally got my orders.
I'll be marching through the morning,
Marching through the night,
Moving cross the borders
Of My Secret Life.

Looked through the paper.
Makes you want to cry.
Nobody cares if the people
Live or die.
And the dealer wants you thinking
That it's either black or white.
Thank G-d it's not that simple
In My Secret Life.

I bite my lip.
I buy what I'm told:
From the latest hit,
To the wisdom of old.
But I'm always alone.
And my heart is like ice.
And it's crowded and cold
In My Secret Life.

Except S76 that here you do not need to bite your lip and you are not alone and your secret life is safe. And soon you may feel that you can take some of that out there too.

much love roze xxx 

Dear Brother Summer - It is a bit early for you to read this "live" but really I guess what I was attempting to show that it is possible to meet and exchange pm's at a time that both of us are awake - but I did love the Cohen quote.  And had Inspire not got me hooked on You Tube I might have not wandered off down a very winding rabbit hole after Leonard again.  But I did. 

I am relaxed about whatever you want to do - I thought today - do you ever demonstrate the process of assertiveness before getting others to do the role plays?  Or is the practice not part of your pro