Hi all

i've thought about writing this post for a few days because of the sensitive nature but really need some help with this.

My sister has been diagnosed with a dual personality disorder and manic depression and has struggled for years .

Last year she took a huge pill overdose and was hospitalised then sectioned for 2 weeks .

When she came home she was giving new meds and was given councilling and this has been ongoing..

She was sexually abused by my uncle as a child as was my other sister .. i fortunately was not.

She has had life of ups and downs and now at the age of 38 she struggles each day with her depression.

Last week she attempted suicide twice , once by trying to hang herself and the other more pills..

Everytime she attempts to take her life her husband phones me at her request as she will not go to the hospital unless im there by her side ..

Its a painful thing to witness and go through but i get through it by telling myself that my pain of being there while the doctors assess her and treat her, is nothing compared to the pain and dark clouds that must be inside  of her .

My reason for writing this post is to ask if anyone can help me understand what makes somebody want to take their own life.

I have very dark days but fot me the instinct for survival has always stopped me going down that path.. ok ive had moments where ive been driving and thought how easy it would be to exit this planet but those thoughts are always ousted as quick as they appear..

But for those like my beautiful sister that desire to end it all seems so freely accepted ..

I have many talks with her and she trys on her 'good' days to help me understand how she feels when that dark void takes control of her but its so difficult to understand ..

Maybe i'll never understand but id really appreciate anyones advice or similar experiences so i can at least accept that it is her illness that makes these things happen and not my sister..

Hi there cherry, I am so pleased you felt able to articulate your own hurt, pain and confusion on here.  I am always wary on touching on subjects like this. For one I have little experience of actually attempting suicide or been close to someone who has. Perhaps few of us have. I have however seriously contemplated it several times - even looking up websites on methods. Secondly I am scared of saying something that could tip the balance for somebody. That said here goes.

Perhaps more of us have been on this journey than would admit. I think with me what stops me is the really obvious - I am scared. Scared of failure and the ensuing pain and/or disability or success and no turning back. As a solution it is not one of a number of options that we can try is it?

I admire the way you have expressed yourself. You are struggling so hard and deeply to understand. Your love for your sister must be incredible to put yourself through this. I am struck on how you have astutely narrowed a vast and complicated area of human psychology down to asking if it is your sister or the illness. Perhaps not easy to seperate? I suppose the next question is how would you feel if you could pin the cause down to either - if you could be certain that this was a desperation not inherently within her personality but a recent symptom of an illness? What difference if any would it make for you.

How would you feel for example if this was not a mental illness (?) but a physical one in which the pain and suffering would be obviously unbearable for her. What if it was terminal?

Personally I believe strongly that each of has the right to do it. Our life is our own. But Rights carry responsibilities to others. You are carrying one hell of a load cherry. I hope you can share more of your hurt and feelings on here. It has cetainly made me think.

UM - lacking in communication skills - yeah right. The Olympics are in Sydney!

Hugs and take care cherry

 Summer x

Hi Cherry,

I'm sorry your sisters were abused by your uncle, and that you have lived with the effects of this on your sisters and yourself.

I don't know if my experience can help at all - really, everyone is different - both of your sisters are too, no doubt, and have reacted and do respond differently to their own experiences, as you have seen.

I attempted suicide when I was 14, (had tried and failed to run away when I was 13) and really I think it was about not having any options as far as I believed/understood.  No one I felt I could turn to, rely on. No one was supporting me, nor recognising my needs, my feelings, my pain and how much I was being hurt by the way others were treating me. I felt so insignificant as to be invisible.  I'd been told for years by my step-mother, how useless, hopeless, helpless, unworthy, undeserving - basically, anything she could say to belittle me and keep me down and small, she said. & we children were not allowed to disagree, object,  even reasonable objections and complaints were disallowed, null and void by virtue of the fact they were the Adults.  In a very real sense I was dehumanised and I knew/felt it.

When I tried to kill myself, I'd been collecting tablets for a while, with no clear thought about what I would do with them - indeed, I think my idea was to steal tablets from Her, my step-mother, (perhaps so she would suffer?) - it was a plan hatched in my sub-conscious. BUT I didn't want to live. Sick and tired of everything in my life, I simply did not want to live - I realised one day - hadn't wanted to live for quite a while by then. So I just took all the tablets I had collected.

Oh, before I forget, Summer, anyone, don't be afraid to talk, to open up and share your experiences, thoughts and feelings - You won't tip me or anyone else over the edge - If I am thinking about suicide, your not talking wouldn't have prevented that. I'll be thinking anyway...or falling off the edge, and acting on thoughts, if that happens - I will do so with or without your input. Indeed I might be feeling so low my thoughts and feelings might be way beyond whatever you might say, and if you are trying to be supportive - maybe I will believe you, maybe I won't anyway. I mean, when I tried to commit suicide my thoughts and feelings were such I don't know if I would have believed anyone would not benefit by my death, if not actually be happy about it!

There's shadows of this still lurking within, constant like well, argon, I suppose, (not like nitrogen - too common, but equally as unnoticed by us as we go about our daily activities - it is there though, I know it. Not like the hand on my shoulder saying, 'come on, turn around, I am here, waiting...be so easy...just decide" anymore. ( even have things to laugh about, be happy about, people I like, who like me too, I think. No, life is not wonderful, nor have I yet woken feeling glad to be alive. I still rely far too much, too easily on my old methods of self-denial (before someone denies me first??? You know, like people who sabotage relationships so they don't get rejected first...much like that I think. & it harms me just as bad. But I am working on it, I actually think I CAN work on it!!

I wish the best for you, your sisters, your lives - but also, I wonder if you, as your sister's sister/carer need someone to talk over your feelings with too, for yourself. It is so complex, so deep, the relationships, the feelings, I'm not sure how much help we can be from here - we will try, I'm sure. I know I will continue to be here on BBW for quite a while yet, for you and others who need someone to talk to.

((Hugs)) -Mebenji