hello snoopy, what a shock this must have been after many years of married life. you must feel so outraged and confused at how you could have been married to you husband without knowing.  Why do you think he didn't tell you? And do you think that if he had it would have made any difference? - it was before you got married.

Maybe you and your husband need to resolve your feelings about what has happened before you take a joint decision as to whether or not to agree to meeting his daughter. I hope you can work your way through this - it is a time of turmoil but I am sure you marriage is strong enough to bear it.

Here for you snoopy, big hug.

Wx

Snoopy I can understand that this is a time of utter turmoil for you. It must be so very hard to live with the knowledge that your husband has carried this secret for all these years. It sounds as if you are a very strong family. Do your grown children know about this too?

I sometimes wonder if the best way of escaping our demons is to face them? Inside our head we tend to make assumptions and fantasise about things so that they can appear much larger than they are. Do you know what happened - it could just be a very early mistake where no child was intended - and yet there is a child - who is now a grown woman - who wants to understand something of her own heritage. I can see how she may feel quite rejected for a second time in her life if your husband does not want to see her. 

She does not have to be a threat to your family. Would you consider meeting her with your husband so you can see her for who she is and understand what is important to her. That would be a generous and courageous act but it may be more than you feel able to do. Thinking of you. Take care, roze

Dear Snoopy

I can understand your immeadiate rage finding out so late- but I don`t see how it can threaten your life together- you are still a close foursome and your husband has not cheated on you later on. You might even find that meeting his daughter will make you stronger both you as a person and you as a family.

As a mother of an adopted child I understand the feeling of wanting to know your roots. If it works out well you can decide to see more of her and if not seeing her one time will not hurt anyone.

Hugs alba

My main issue is my relationship with my husband. I just feel totally stressed and anxious all the time especially when I am with him. My feelings are not always rational I know that but that doesnt make them any less real. Some days I just never want to see him again but he is determined we have to stay together. Our relationship was not strong before this happened he lied to me and often let me down making commitments he never meant to keep - often over trivial domestic stuff so I just put up with it safe I thought in the knowledge that I could trust him over important things. Now I know that isnt true, I dont believe anything he says. This is very hard to live with. Why cant he just treat me properly???? I have to live with the knowledge that this girl exists and that is hard but if our relationship was ok I think I could try to deal with that.

She has not treated us with any respect or care for our feelings. Her first contact with my husband was to turn up at our frontdoor with her partner We only have her word for who she - is there is no legal evidence. Birth fathers seem to have no right to any information. I was not home when she came and he asked her to only contact him in future until he could sort out his feelings etc. She did not do that instead months later rang my then teenage daughter and said 'Hello I'm your sister - your dad doesnt want you to know about me How is your brother?' My daughter was so freaked out she just hung up and told no-one. She didnt tell me because she knew I didnt know. Then a year later I got my phonecall this time from this girls partner who told me about her and seemed to find it amusing that I didnt know. He seemed to know alot about us which I found very threatening as if they had been stalking us. I too was so stunned I said very little. My husband has tried to phone her and she just hangs up and wont speak to him. What does she want? This has all taken place over several years. We do not feel very positive towards a person who would behave in this way She would not really fit in - my children and I do not treat people with so little regard for their feelings no matter what they have done. I feel that I have the right to set limits on how I will be treated by her. She really has no right to interfere with our marriage - I am nothing to her and have done nothing to her. Because we have all been hurt by her attitude my husband wants nothing to do with her.

I want to deal with issues with her as they come about. What is way more important to me is dealing with my marriage relationship and protecting my children. I need help to move forward but I just dont know how. How do I deal with this constant anxiety and panic? I just want to feel normal again

Dear Snoopy,

Goodness, this is quite an agressive approach to trying to build a relationship with family - I am not surprised by the stress that you feel.  I reckon the best to be done is to acknowledge that your husband needs to provide the leadership on this and start to deal with how this is affecting his family.  He might need support and encouragement to do this but it is something that he is best placed to manage.

This is a challenging situation for you and I am guessing that until you can find some space to work this through it will feel like you are struggling to swim through treacle.  I am sending you warm wishes   UM xxx 

hi Snoopy

What you are going through sounds very difficult and my heart goes out to you.

 It reminds me of the expereince of someone I know. Had a daughter, left the mother  when daughter was about 2 and didn't want anything to do with them, although he always paid child maintenance to the mother. He married very happily and had no other children, by choice.  When she was in late teens the daughter  must somehow have got his details - probably from mother - and was so angry that he hadn't wanted to be in her life that she started acting out her hurt by contacting him by turning up at the door, making phone calls, writing abusive letters and even turning up at his work, which was hugely difficult and all intentionally to cause him problems.

It's all an area of very strong emotions all around, as you have found out.  It's so very very easy for a young man to contribute to conception and, perhaps like your husband, know nothing about it, or to not want to be involved in a relationship and not give possible fatherhood a thought at the time.  Drunken one night stands produce many children and the father may never even know.  Thousands of men keep these sorts of secrets (if they indeed know) and could it be he thought he'd lose you if he'd told you many years ago?  If there is no indication that he has been with the mother since, you may need to think of a way to let go of thinking he was unfaithful -   you will drive yourself crazy thinking that way.  Your husband is who he is now, husband and father of a close family, not who he was as a daft lad 30 odd years ago.

I'm not embroiled in it  and don't feel the pain of it, but I'd say be open will all the family so that there is no one else she can shock, have a joint plan on how to deal with contact with the woman and if you can find it in your hearts, explain to her gently what, if any or no, contact you are prepared to have with her. And if necessary change you phone number and go ex directory!  Don't allow her the power to destroy what you have build up over 30 odd years. It could be she needs ackonowledgment and an apology for the past 30 odd years of no dad, but she has gone about it all the wrong way, unfortunately, and it is not acceptable.

I have a friend who's husband fathered a son, unknowingly, 30 odd years ago and he contacted them in a positive no-guilt tripping way and they now refer to him and his family as 'our new family'' and have embrased him and his family and have a very good relationship with them.   I think it is all in the first appraoch and if through strong emotions you are not able to get that right, all can be lost.  I feel sorry for all of you involved in it, and I hope you can find a way through it all.

Love, Harmony