Oh thorn, I think you care so much because you still can see your friend in there - as you said he looks the same, sounds the same. But there comes a time, particularly with an addict where you have to draw a line under the friendship, and mourn it properly, because it's not helping you or him. It seems you put so much energy into being strong about ending the friendship you forgot to grieve the loss of it. It's a death in every sense of the word and you need to allow yourself the time to grieve it.

You say you don't know what to do. Is your friend making demands of you, asking for specific support or help? Or is it your loyalty to him that's making you want to help right now? Do you feel the friendship is worth saving, or is the dilemma for you right now about trying to save your friend, regardless of where it leaves your relationship? I can make a assumption based on what you've posted on here, that you are someone who will walk on hot coals for those you care about and I can't being to imagine how much your heart is breaking to see your friend in such a bad place.

Thank you for your replies.

CC, He is not making any demands of me or asking for support. I live 1500 miles from him so there is little I could offer him in concrete support. Most of what I have offered in the past has been emotional support and I find that I cannot offer even that any more.

I guess it is hard to let go of my friendship. I have known him since we were 10 years old. He introduced me to my husband and one of my current loves. I am close to his family. He was there for me when many other people weren't.

Ten years ago he became addicted to prescription drugs and it spiraled down into other, nastier, addictions. I remember visiting him and not recognizing the person he had become. My reaction seemed to be a wake up call and several months after my visit he entered rehab for the first time.

He would be clean for a while, but the addictions always seemed to catch up with him.

BB, the last time he started acting irrationally I told him that if he was using again I would cut all contact with him. He denied it, but, he was using again and when I received confirmation of this I quit talking to him.

I can't believe the months of hell I went through can be summarized in two sentences.

After last night's email I'm not sure I'm ever going to be ready to talk to or see him again.

I guess this is where my dilemma is... My boy is still in contact with the vampire friend (VF). He is (gently) encouraging me to give the friendship another chance. He reminds me of the good times and the close friendship that I had with the VF.

So I am torn between what I want to do (cut off all contact) and making one of my loves happy.

Well, the VF has managed to drive wedge between me and both my loves.

One of them has known the VF for longer than I have and has been through everything with me and now is disappointed that I'm not more open and forgiving. I understand his viewpoint, but I don't accept it.

We are in a dialogue now trying to work our way through this.

My married love told me that he no longer wants to discuss this type of thing with me because he can't really help me and it annoys him. Then he let me know that he was uncomfortable with some of my conversations because he feels I overstep my bounds.

I let my married love know (in the gentlest way possible) that intimacy in one area leads to intimacy in another, and vice versa.

He's leaving on holiday tomorrow so this is going to be unresolved until he gets back.

The bad part of my married love and I is we co-chair an organization and because of this we have almost daily contact, and now I feel ackward. Whatever happens I'm sure I'll get over it. 

Goodness Thorn - what a painful situation. You have lost a good friend as in choosing addiction as his best friend he excluded all others in any meaningful sense. If you have a serious addiction there can be no other friends. So you have had to bear this loss.

Then for him to write you an ugly mail is totally unacceptable - it is like rubbing salt into a wound. It feels to me that he is somehow punishing you - as it will always be easier to punish others unless you are prepared to take a good long look at yourself and see that you are the root of the plant you have become.

And just as only he can choose to take that look, only you can choose how you relate to him meaning that those around you need to respect the choice you have made. It has not been made without a lot of pain and thought. I am so very sorry that you lost this friend and i very much respect your decision to not communicate with him at this time. He has to let you go until he has something to offer other than his profanities and shadow of self.