Some years ago I went through a very tough time in my life, not for any particular reason, but I found it very hard to get through each day, and could see no reprieve.  Somehow I reached rock bottom, where I had to decide to do something, I decided to carry on living and managed to pull myself out without letting anyone know what was going on.  Since then, I do sometimes get periods when I am very low for weeks at a time, however the pain that I am feeling now has been with me for some time, longer than ever before.  My Grandfather had a stroke last year, and since then the family dynamic has changed, with me having to keep everyone strong, and be everyone's rock.  I have not been allowed to cry, as when I do, everyone crumbles.  My friends and housemates (I'm at Uni) have been great, but I feel so sad inside.  Being so strong for my family has stopped me confiding so much in my friends, when I have, I've scared them with my pain.  Now I cry when no-one can see the tears...it's easier that way. 

Thankyou for your input roze.  I find it hard to open up full stop, and it has taken me a long time to even be able to admit to myself that 'faking it' isn't so great....cracks are starting to appear.  So, it's almost impossible for me to think of opening up to anyone like a counsellor etc.  I don't want to alienate yet more people.  My family have encouraged me to talk, but when I do, even when it is really low key, they fall apart.  My mother tries tp do everything possible for her father (who had the stroke), he lived with us, and now he is in a care home, a very diminished man, but the strain takes the toll on her, and she just won't let me grieve for the man we have lost (we had to get to know someone else after the stroke, he has changed so much), she seeks sympathy and constant attention for herself.  My father distances himself as much as possible, it raises a lot of unspoken issues on mortality for him I think.  My brother is so wrapped in his own guilt and sadness he can't see it in others that well.  When I see them, I carry them on my shoulders.  We all know this, they have told me as much, as such, I can't let them down.  I have tried to ease the burden, and now no-one talks to eachother unless I'm around, they ask me to do the talking for everyone, reassuring, caring, nuturing.  We are not a happy family, and I have no idea how to change that when I am in so much pain myself.  Any thoughts?

Thankyou for your insight roze.  It really made me think, especially about the 'alarm bells ringing'.  It seemed to echo the sentiment my best friend (one of those whom I told about that time in my life when I was suicidal), she told me that it seems to her that I haven't gotten over that time, I just pushed to away to deal with later, and at some point I will have to deal with it.  Your comment made me think that those bells are starting to ring again to indicate now I should do something.  My friend knows how low I have been feeling recently, but thought things were getting better.  After reading your comment roze, I found the strength to tell her I was still hurting so much inside.  We talked long into the night (we live together), and I realised I do need to talk to someone professional about how I'm feeling, I can't handle this alone, and it is too much for my friends to handly by themselves.  She has offered to come with me to find a counsellor, to hold me when I need to cry, and to drag me out of the house when I need fun but don't feel like it.  I am not yet strong enough to face some of the things I know I will need to, and the thought of going over old (and current) feelings really frightens me, a Pandora's box moment I think.  However, I have realised I cannot put it off forever, and that I have someone to hold my hand.  Thankyou all for helping me find the strength, and for facing some very hard truths about my feelings.  I don't think I realised how bad things were getting, until I saw the words there on the screen. 

I now have some questions: how does one find a counsellor? (I don't want to go to my GP, knowing something of the field, I know that it is a distinct possibility I will be diagnosed with Depression and I don't want that on my medical record).  Also, when one has found a counsellor, how do you open up? How do you open a box you have spent your life trying to keep shut? How do I get those words out? Does anyone have any thoughts??

it's easy to feel alone even with family and friends present

in many cased family members are obligated to care for you, their affections can be seen as forced at worst, or at best not quite natural

often those who offer help are self serving, feeling a need for gratification and to know they've done something good

Thanks roze, you really have put my mind at ease somewhat, i think i'm just going to try and go with it, and let whatever happens happen. 

As to nemt's comment, you really made me think.  I don't feel that my actions are self-serving, i want to help my family because i genuinely care about them and love them.  They do put a lot on me, and i do wish they had other outlets also, but i do what i do for them because they are my family and i love them very much.  I don't feel that i'm doing it as some attention seeking gratification - or at least i hope not!! Maybe this is something i need to explore, i don't know, but thankyou anyway, it is always useful to look at things from another perspective.  xx

Family of origin issues.

 Your post was very thought provoking. Thank you for the courage to put it out there.

It has been my experience that we grow up with an image of what a normal family SHOULD be like. And we compare it with our own.....and as a result feel a disturbance.

As we move though childhood to adolescene and then into adulthood...we keep our secrets to ourselves.

 In a perfect world each child would be reassured by each of their parents that they were loved, that their parents wanted to know what was going on inside, and that praise would come.

 I always had a fantasy that my father would say, "Bob I tell all my friends how proud I am that you are my son."

 Now just recently I asked my 80 year old father how many close male friends he has. The answer was "None". And he only had two close friends 60 years ago, and has never seen them since. Nor stayed in touch.

 Thinking about our parents, about our dysfunctional families ( all families are dysfunctional or imperfect ) may not be healthy.

 You notice I use the "may" word.

 At my late age the only things I seemed to have learned are:

* I can't change the past,

* I can't change others,

* The only person I can change is myself....and then I have to put some changes into action. Thinking about it ...."analysis paralysis" never resolves anything.

 May I wish you well in your search for mental peace and emotional serenity.

 Take care. Be well.

Hello Yankee Bob, Welcome to the wall.

I have a favorite quote "A life of reaction is a life of slavery, intellectually and spiritually. One must fight for a life of action, not reaction." -Rita Mae Brown

I think that most victims/matyrs react rather than act. They are stuck in a cycle where everything they do, all interactions with others and themselves, are colored by what happened to them. They haven't learned how to grow beyond their past and integrate what happened to them into their personalities.

And when faced with new challenges they react to them (martyr themselves) rather than taking actions to resolve it.  

They need to be taught how to act rather than react.

I'm hoping this post makes sense because it's early and I haven't had any caffeine yet.

Hi Thorn, I'm not sure I understand the quote . One can react to a situation by punching, turning away and other physical reactions. The turning away response may actually be a thoughtful reaction to someone who is provoking when drunk.

 Thats not being a victim is it?  I see where you are coming from when you talk about learning to deal with life not as a victim or a martyr. I'm just not sure about the quote.  Perhaps I need a shot of caffeine the brain is tired. Cate xx

Oh this is a lovely post to read StarShine.  I am so pleased for you and it is very generous of you to have followed up and let us know how you are going.

I hope you have many more happy days  UM