Over the years, I’ve met many people, at work or through acquaintances, some have become my friends. At least I thought this was the case. In fact, now I doubt they ever were my friends. That rather harsh came up when I stopped to take a hard look at my relationships I had with those people. First I realised that basically I was sort of keeping our relationship alive, but then doubt appeared. As I wanted to know where I was and with whom I choose to wait and see to see how much friends we were. So I ceased to phone them to get news. In each situation, the day stopped to wait and see meant in fact the end of the relationship. I’ve never heard of them since. They have vanished in “outerspace”. Surprisingly enough, before my decision, each time I called these people they were always very happy to hear me. They never told me that I was boring or anything. Sometimes, when I phoned them, it ended up with a meal at their home before watching TV or something like that. That was not what I was looking for. For me friendship is very important. There are times when we have fun and take it easy, but there are times when I like to share who I’m, what I’m living through, what interests me. In other words, to be true.

When I decided to stop and look at all that, I realised that often when I shared with them something of my life, they weren’t really listening to me. In the end, one of my friend only took time with me when his girlfriend wasn’t for one reason or another. He offered me gifts or meals, but all this happened because I first called him to see how he was doing. Another “friend” went through difficult times in her life. As a friend, I felt it was important to be there and to help her as much as necessary and possible. Well, our relationship went downward slowly but surely. In the end I realised that she was hiding herself behind easy pretexts. Time has gone too fast since my last call, or you know how I’m. Well I could also give anything as a pretext for not doing something. Last time I’ve heard of her, she had written me a letter, but had forgotten everyday to post it. That letter never arrived. That was alsmost three years ago.

With another guy, things were even different. He was regularly calling me, and we met about every months. Until I realised that we were almost always talking of the same things, his difficulties, mine and going nowhere. So, as I found it rather boring and empty, I asked him what kind of relationship we were building together. His answer was: “I never thought of it like that. I don’t see it as building something but just sharing our problems.” You mean something like trying to solve your blocks and fears ? “Yes.” In a sort of group therapy ? “Exactly!” Thus, everything was said. His answer confirmed my inklings of our diverging ideas. A few days later I told him it wasn’t what I wanted and thus we would stop there.

These are only a few examples, but now after experiencing so many bad experiments, even while trying to have a love relationship, I’m really fed up. Am I reaching for the stars ? Isn’t it possible to meet people with whom to have a true, open, constructive friendship ? I’m so fed up by selfishness, superficiality, materialism and all that. I’m fed up to be considered just as “thing” to avoid lonelyness or to satisfy ones needs. I’m fed up with these empty people who don’t listen to me when I talk to them, when they make as if they care for what I say and have nothing to say.

Am I wrong ? Am I just a sweet dreamer ?

I guess i come from a different place and one i hope we can all find. There was a time last year when i doubted that i had many friends - mainly because i was putting myself in a fairly isolated place - to sort out who i was and heal. Yet now i realise that i am fortunate to have a lot of really good friends who are good listeners, fun loving and supportive. I think we go through processes with friendship where we sort the wheat from the chaff. So - you are not reaching for the stars - and it is important to keep on taking the risk of remaining open and trusting - which can be real easy to lose. And for the interim - can i make you a friend here on Big White Wall?