Talkabout

13/03/2008 @ 10:15 bookworm.303 said:

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I need help, please, or maybe just a friendly word from someone who's been where I am at the moment. I've suffered from periodic fits of depression since my mid-teens at least, but it's got worse over the last couple of years and right now I'm the lowest I've been for a long time. Every day seems to be a struggle and it's an effort to get myself out and about and maintain my friendships. I hate myself for saying it, but I really wish I could just stop and welcome oblivion, it must be a lot easier than dealing with life. The only reason I don't (and I have given it a great deal of thought) is that I know my family loves me and it would rip them apart. My friend's sister hanged herself 18 months ago and I saw how devastated her mum was - I could never do that to my parents, but I have found myself almost wishing that they themselves would have some sort of accident so that I could be free to write myself off the slate.
These are appalling sentiments and not ones that I could share in person without causing a lot of stress to whoever I unburden myself to. But I feel trapped - wherever I turn at the moment I seem to hit a brick wall. I am currently studying abroad and due to a severe financial crisis, have no hope of getting back to the UK until May at the earliest. This makes me feel incredibly homesick and contributed to a promising relationship going pear-shaped, which, while expected, hurt more than I ever anticipated. I am struggling with my studies, finding it impossible to understand fully what's going on despite having a reasonably good command of the language, and am scared I'm going to fail the year. This added on to a complete failure to secure any kind of work experience in my chosen field over the summer has made me worry about my future and whether success can ever be in my reach.
What scares me most, though, is the possibility of being alone, now and in the future. I don't mean just being single, but of finding myself with no real friends, no one who truly wants my company. My rational mind knows this is ridiculous - I've been lucky enough to make some very good friends at uni, who I love dearly and who I hope value me in turn - but I have a great problem with trust and when I'm in a trough, as I am now, I begin to wonder whether they genuinely like me or are just tolerating me, keeping my company for the sake of politeness. Much as I try to convince myself otherwise, I can't rid myself of these nagging doubts and they drag me even further down, until I start crying in the middle of the day. When I'm feeling that low, I tend to shy away from social events, preferring to keep myself to myself until I feel more normal, but this of course distances me from my friends and risks turning the perceived problem into one that's all too real. But if I do go out, I can't enter into the spirit of things and end up being a miserable cow before going home early.
How can I stop myself from ruining my own life? Until now I have always been too scared to seek professional help - apart from being reluctant to divulge my innermost fears to complete strangers (except obviously in the anonymity provided here), I don't want any record of psychological weakness or illness entered on my record, lest it affect my future chances of employment. I'm also terrified of having it confirmed that I am cracked, but then anything would be better than continuing in the limbo that I'm in now. Nevertheless, I can't go home for 2 months, so would appreciate any practical advice anyone has to offer - I'm not strong enough to find the solution alone.
13/03/2008 @ 10:55 zorro said:

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Hello Bookworm, thank you for your post, I am sure it was not easy unburdening yourself like that so first of all well done, and I hope that the mere act of typing it out has helped a little.
You say at the end of your message that you are not strong enough to deal with these issues but I beg to differ. You are studying in a foreign country, away from your family and friends, learning a new language and from the sounds of things successfully making friends in this new environment. This does not sound like a weak person to me, but a brave and adventurous one... But you are suffering all the same, and it sounds like you are also feeling rather overwhelmed by everything. The thoughts that you are having are not helping either, which is perhaps why it might be an idea to get some counselling. I am no expert, but I think it would be a very poor employer in this day and age who would discredit someone because they got therapy while studying, may I ask what it is you are studying? My sister is a doctor and she has been in and out of therapy for years, it hasn't affected her employment prospects.
I sometimes think that some of the most challenging times in my life usually turn out to be the most rewarding also. You dont learn or develop from doing things the easy way! Are there any positive things that you can tell us about where you are right now? Anything that you particularly enjoy?
Have one of these while you think about it ((((HUG))))
Zx
13/03/2008 @ 11:13 alba said:

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Dear bookworm
You are not crazy- but you are incredibly stressed.You need professional help and don`t be afraid of sharing your thoughts that is the wholepoint. You don`t want any records of you receiving help- are studying abroad- get help while you stay there-that way no one will know.
I have studied abroad, too and I know how difficult it is to keep up- even if you know the language. I felt insecure even when I was doing well and I guess the same thing is happening to you.
Take one thing at the time- and deal with it when you have to. It is a clear sign of stress that all your thoughts are muddled together.
You know your family loves you- and the love you for a reason you must stick to that feeling.
I have been there and I know it is hard. Try to get some exercise - let your body think for you.
Hugs and mant thoughts from Alba
13/03/2008 @ 12:08 bookworm.303 said:

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Hey Zorro
Thank you for your reply, I have to say I don't feel particularly brave or adventurous at the moment - rather more like a scared mouse, I want to burrow under the duvet. I'm a law student, but with hopes of working in the Civil Service, which is why I'm worried about my medical record - the checks are incredibly thorough and I don't want any perceived instability to affect my chances of employment or indeed promotion. I don't know how valid this worry is, but it's an argument I've heard a few times from my dad and is one of the reasons why I didn't seek help last summer, before coming away. Getting counselling at the moment is impossible anyway, at least until I'm back at home for a reasonable length of time.
You're right, there are a lot of things I enjoy about being here - better weather for a start, and a more relaxed attitude in general - but this in turn makes it harder for me to understand why I'm feeling so down about things and I feel guilty that I'm not making the most of my year abroad. Again, there's a rational part of me that points out how many positive things I have in my life and how I should just get a grip, but it tends to be drowned out by the emotional mess that makes me feel insecure and unhappy. Most days I can tiptoe around the black things, but just lately they've been sucking me in and I find it very hard to get clear again.
Thank you for the hug, I appreciate that a lot :)

Dear Alba
I'm not sure I can get help here, as I find it difficult enough to explain how I feel even without the language barrier. I know the point is to share thoughts and that professionals are trained to deal with problems a lot worse than mine, but I can't bear the thought of someone sitting there judging, possibly thinking that it's a waste of time or that I'm making a fuss about nothing. It's bad enough that I whinge on this forum or (occasionally, in a more limited way) to very close friends, without boring someone who doesn't have a choice about listening. That sounds daft, but I worry a lot about what people think and the fear of getting professional help has therefore grown the more I think about it.
It's reassuring to hear that you've been in a similar situation with studies. One of the minor annoyances is that the other student from my home university has dual nationality and speaks the language perfectly, so has few problems keeping up. I'm reluctant to ask him for help though, as we don't get on especially and are doing different modules anyway.
I am getting more exercise and am hoping that this will help clear my mind, though at the moment it seems just to give me more time to think, which is not necessarily a good thing. Thank you for taking the time and effort to reply, I'm grateful for the advice.
13/03/2008 @ 14:17 zorro said:

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Hello again Bookworm
Firstly, please never think you are whinging here - this is what this place is for, we are all here to help, and someday someone else might come on who is suffering similar issues to you and hopfully you will be able to offer some advice back.. thats just how it works ;)

Why dont you look into the counselling? Do you perhaps have a form tutor or someone in the law faculty who you trust and could advise on whether it would be detrimental to your career? Simply asking a question can do no harm, and it might also be an opportunity for you to disucss your study pressures, perhaps get some advice from one of the tutors and explain your concerns. That is what they are there for, not just to educate but to support you also. I think its time to stop tiptoeing around the dark things, you maybe need to fling open the curtains and get some air in the room where all these demons of yours are lurking, and the best way is sometimes to talk your problems out with people who can help you, because you have too much going on to be able to deal with all of this on your own. Whether this is a counsellor, a tutor, even the other person from your home university, its possible that they are feeling the same way - and there really is nothing wrong with asking people for help, you must see it as an act of strength, not weakness.
So take action, feel positive! Why not give me a list of things you want to sort out - things that you need to deal with like handling your mates, or coping with college and we can get them together in some sort of action plan?? PLan??
Zx (the list lover;)
13/03/2008 @ 14:34 alba said:

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I agree very much with Zorro- it is a strenght to address your concerns and discuss it with a tuto or someone with asimilar position. I was also thinking that you might be isolated socially- most universities have some kind of clubs, maybe a cafè or maybe even a music arrangement-aplace where you can meet other students in an informal way - I can assure you that you are not the only one with these concerns. Doing something else besides studying might also give you another perspective on your work.
You haven`t mentioned which country you are staying in? Someone here might know of arrangements close to you.
13/03/2008 @ 14:34 muffin said:

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Dear Bookworm -I have just picked upon your posting and thankfully you are very articulate on the bouts of depression and the difficulties you are encountering - thats a good start - the more you can express yourself and hear both the pain/hurt/distress you are feeling hopefully the way through it will become clearer. Alba and Zorro Talked of exercise, identifying those things that make you smile and also seeking help - these are really important. I am alone at the moment and when I have been working long hours get flat and despondent. I walked outside 20 minutes ago and there were all these youngsters playing in the snow eating their snacks and having such a laugh. I couldnt help smiling at the chaos. I looked across at their teachers and they were laughing and enjoying the scene - that made me doubly smile. What I am saying is there are no easy answers but you will know what works for you - for me at a time when not everyhing is good is stopping still, very still, and just breathing slowly and absorbing the moment - going with the feelings - that moment will pass only too soon but before it does capture it. Another comment that I think Alba made about seeking help on problems - when you seek help from a therapist or even a helpline it is normal practice to focus on the feelings in a non judgemental way - and not the problems. If you can understand the feelings of stress and despair you can start to work on them little by litte (hence the exercise suggestion) - sometimes the problems are too overwhelming to deal with because the stress blocks it. You are doing so well in being able to talk about it among us - take the steps forward slowly, sense the balance before you take the next. This could help you to relax and face the reality of tough studies more clearly. We are with you all the way. M x
14/03/2008 @ 07:31 UMxx said:

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Dear bookworm.303, I just want to add a couple of more hugs into your life.
As I read your post, I really could identify with that dreadful heaviness that accompanies depression and the almost craving for an opportunity to pass into oblivion. I am glad though that you know that it would be too cruel for your family. But I did wonder, whether it would not be absolutely to be expected that as a person who lost their sister to hanging that it would be "normal" to seek assistance. I don't know what the social attitudes in the UK are but here is Australia, it would be odd not to have to work through this kind of loss and sense of responsibility to your parents and feeling claustrophobic. You are not cracked just like the rest of us who need help when something absolutely horrific happens in their life. It's like that saying "its only the sane people who worry that they are crazy - but its the ones who think they are sane that you have to worry about."

I agree with Zorro and Alba about seeing if there is some assistance - support in the way of a therapist or counsellor - or even a group you could identify. I guess as your profile name is bookworm you have probably checked out all of the books on depression (?)
In the meantime, the wonder of the wall is there is always someone who will take time to listen and send you support and hugs. be nice to yourself... XXX UM
02/04/2008 @ 21:29 boho said:

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any body what to hear my bleating?
yes im down in the sh**** again not so bad as last time thank the gods. but the old worthless your nothing tapes are on again and life seems dread again i plod along each new day but where is that bright light ? where is purpose and meaning? at least i have imediate kinship with you all on our wall and let me saythanks to our aussie unionmaid bless her cotton scocks!we have a beautiful brick and we need that being on a different time scale and its beaut to be in touch went other mates are sleeping up there...
so want im needing today is come care, comfort,clarity(and a good spell check)
no im feeling stuck again and a little stunted plze send me a hand full of rose sented hope!
ta..
boho
02/04/2008 @ 21:37 roze said:

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yo boho - here is a little roze scent but i have been out on the town all day so you may choose to stand down wind! What's going on mate? I know those sunflowers are going to take their time - so let's talk and bring some sunshine into life today! hugs roze
02/04/2008 @ 22:35 boho said:

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g day roze
you are such a sweetie! well heres my bleat for today.
last week i had a 'stress test' you know to see how the hearts doing? well it was reapted again this week and we wait to seewhat the story is...
well i guess one of my fears is this 13 years ago i had a heart attact and by pass sincethen not much more of excitment in that field . how ever i have notice when i go to vietnam each year( i go and do some teaching english and do some small actos of charity) i drink much more fluids and some times this puts me in a dreadful spot
the dr sid this week after the heart problems my ticker isnt as strong pumping and so has increased so meditation i dont like it because it makes me feel hot and sweat alot!
I am a smoker and have been for 30 yrs two yeaqrs ago i gave it up for 6 years and that was amazing and a real leap forward, after some stree in vietnam i started smoking again and it continues on today. yes i know all the drama about smoking etc and it one of the things i beat my self over the head with as i plod along.
in my depression i dont care ! and just getting through theday/night is enough but i do live with this fear. yes i see a psch dr and take prozac ( a love hate relation ship with this) but over time have tried to reduce and cant live with out it .... ad nausme!!!
afew weeks ago i went to the tasmania mens gathering and have been involved with mens mentoing for some years, when i aws there the old ready fadeed away and i came to life again now it leaking out and im back to the old same old.....
im in touch with friends in vn saigon, and plan another trip for 30 days in december
but its a stuggle each day to just get by the rest may happen......?
so here is some of my bleat! and put it out there for some support
so please send soime more rose sented humor, comfort and support!
my apperication always
:)boho
02/04/2008 @ 23:34 iyell said:

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Bookworm, just a suggestion from a fellow lawyer. May isn't far away, once you get home, find the money just for a few private sessions. Been to see a therapist a couple of times, recently, all she knows is my name and mobile phone number. A therapist will talk things through with you objectively, with no agenda of their own, with only your interests at heart, and you have no relationship with them to be coloured by the experience of having done so. Completely confidential, unless for instance you tell them you're going to kill someone. Bit like us I suppose, no-one wants to have to see one, but you might be glad you did!
02/04/2008 @ 23:37 UMxx said:

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Okay Boho - Gotcha! I've been in a meeting but now am here now, I want you to make an image of turning off that tape of ugly voices in your head. I have sent you a direct message. I am going to duck out now as my mate has just gone into labour and I have to go to the hospital and pick up her child - it is all happening today. I will be back soon.

big hugs Boho we can get through this
UMXX
03/04/2008 @ 02:16 cate said:

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I'm sending a big scented hug- rose and gardenia - for you .I hope those voices fade and your own voice takes over from them . It's so hard when you've health problems to keep paddling . Try to keep faith in belief that you are respected and cared for. Those people in Vietnam I'm sure see you as a friend and look forward to your return. Take care and more hugs, Cate xx
03/04/2008 @ 12:40 upsidedownandbackwards said:

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Dear Bookworm, I have gone through the same thing for YEARS...I felt my family would be better off if I were dead. but that all chaged for me when I began to realize that I was pushing them to protect me...fight or flight...I often ran like hell so no one could hurt me. I had a bubble around me that would often times leave me unable to leave my own house for weeks until one of the friends that my silly ass had pushed away would come over and drag my stinking body out into the real world telling me they miss me and hope i am okay. I tried to talk to a "pro" but always felt that they would shove pills at it to fix it. so I then turned to my faith, the great thing about church is there is NO record of what you say. It is a safe place to talk to someone and get it out bit by bit. I don't know if that will work for you but it has very well for me..I am in a very happy mariage, I have friends, I am a better mother to my son who i must admit (ducks head) got pushed some too for fear that I wasn't good enough for him, I have 4 more children and I am no longer so freaked out by leaving the house. I don't know if faith will work for you or you would be willing to try but it's a safe place to turn. I hope this helps and I hope you get feeling better.
Always~me
14/05/2008 @ 16:05 007wmkt2 said:

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I can't believe how many of you are out there who feel the same as me. It kindof makes me feel better but also worse cos you're all suffering too. Just hang in there - the episodes of depression will lighten.
22/05/2008 @ 17:04 connecter said:

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Bookworm. I don't have depression but i do understand the pressures of study. I am feeling very disconnected from much of the world at the moment and terrified I will fail. How are things with you? Hang on in there.

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