It is a beautiful summers evening but I am so very alone.

I am writing this down anonymously in some public place hoping it may be helpful. I know compared to so many I am lucky. I have a home and the security of a job. I know all this is going to sound pathetic but the truth is I am actually a very nice guy (!). Great sense of humour, intelligent even intellectual. I care passionately about the foul injustices and ignorance in this world – perhaps too much.

The facts are my 20 year relationship with same sex partner ended 8 years ago and my last parent, my mother, died at the same time. In truth the relationship had ended some time before that and I accepted we could not go on. But after spending what were the happiest years of my life with him I hoped we could part amicably. Instead he was particularly sadistic and nasty.  He left on my birthday within a month of my mother’s funeral, presumably to punish me in some way.

I am still seeing him and his new partner. How sad is that? I suppose it is for old time’s sake. If I met him now for the very first time I wouldn’t want to know him. He makes it plain that he sees me as pathetic and will not listen to any of this. In the absence of anyone else on this planet I suppose I am scared to be rid of him in case of help in an emergency.

I have no family, friends or social life. I spend Christmas and time off work completely alone. I can go for weeks without speaking to anyone apart from checkout staff. No Holiday, as in going away, for 8 years. Opted to do some voluntary work some years ago in an attempt to break out of this but the people involved have partners and families and there is no social life.

I have never talked about this properly to anyone in all this time and never cried – I suppose I don’t trust any one, not even at work. Anyway it sounds so pathetic. Plenty of people are lonely. Wish we could form a club. I have rung various help lines several times when things get really bad but I know it is me who has to get off my butt and do something. Trouble is the hurt in my stomach is like a knife. It never really goes away and is quite debilitating

I am at peace with the idea of never having another relationship or indeed having sex with someone again. I just wish I had a friend and didn’t have to spend the rest of my life completely alone.

I knew I would go on far too long. Anyway that’s it. If you are still reading thank you

Peace be with you

You are not alone. You are here and you have found The Wall. There are listeners here, and others with tales to tell and perhaps you will be able to offer them some kind words of support.

It sounds like you haven't fully grieved from the enormous change that happened to you eight years ago. Losing your mother and your partner in such a short space of time must have been so very difficult to cope with. There are others on The Wall far better able than I to give you the support that you need, but I just want to say that we are listening.

With love and best wishes,

Wx 

Hey summer76,

Seems your soul is so much hurt that you're somehow trying to avoid life. I understand it well because I've been there too. There's nothing pathetic at being sad or hurt. If you stay alone in your corner with all thess thought, it won't get better. But now, as you're sharing it with us, it should help you free your mind and make room for new ideas. I know it for a fact. So as others said, you're not alone in here, and nobody is judging you. So feel free to talk about you and how you feel. 

Big hug, O.

Hi all, thank you for your contributions and warm support. It is late here and I need to keep this brief for now.                                                                                    I admit to feeling a little odd, embarrasssed and self centred after 'publishing' my rambling woes. I worried what response I might get. I have been given the impression by some (not on here) that 8 years is an humiliatingly long time to 'wallow' in being something of a loner.                                                                To answer your question Zorro, yes it has been a long time that I have stayed in my comfort zone. I  still find it so very hard doing things by myself after being with someone for so long. I did try a holiday abroad by myself in that first year but I was so lonely and so incredibly sad most of the time. I suppose I am still comparing anything I do now to when I was so very happy for those 20 years.                           I am told I am quite a complicated guy and I need to think more on all this. My teenage years, before I came out as gay, were also a time of desperate lonliness. I now understand this to be a time when most of us acheive our emotional growth and self worth. Intellectually I know I can be somewhat arrogant but emotionally I am probably devoid of any self esteem. I dont know. I certainly spend a lot of time feeling humiliated by others.

Gone on too long again. Thank you again for your support

Warm Wishes

summer76

Hi Summer76

Loneliness is truly, truly awful and I really feel for you. Despite being married, I have experienced intense loneliness over the last few years - I had to give up my job due to illness, and went through a period when my friends seemed to just forget about me. None of them (or my family) live anywhere near me, and my husband works long hours, so I am in the house on my own, 5 days a week. The sense of loneliness and of not being understood was crushing, but things are getting better now and I'm sure they will for you too.

Firstly, you sound like a really cool guy and I don't think you realise it! You are constantly apologising for your existence. I think your self esteem has been severely knocked by horrid ex-partner - something I can also relate to! But, there IS hope! I know this sounds really twee, but have you thought about joining a club/society, to make new friends? Forget about having a partner for now, just concentrate on being nice to yourself and doing things that make you feel good, and getting talking to people (male, female, young, old) etc. I know it's hard (believe me, I've been there!) but you need to rediscover yourself and realise that you are a very important human being. You have a place on the Earth and you are entitled to have fun.

Secondly, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mother's passing. That in itself is something that you should allow yourself help with - it's a very difficult thing to face alone, so please try to talk to (eg.) a grief counsellor. It sounds like your ex has made you believe that you should be able to just deal with all of this, but it's completely normal to find it hard. You really sound like a strong person (even if you don't feel it!) and I want you to find the strength to get whatever help you need.

Thirdly, I would echo the other responders' comments about continuing to use this website to chat. There's a lot of good feeling on it and it might help to get you started on the new phase of your life! I believe in you - go out there and get yourself some fun!

 All the best - Global Chick

The friend I went sailing with yesterday is gay. It is strange he is really clever and really good looking and yet has not found anyone for more than  a week or two. He says he prefers to be out on his boat. I have often wondered if he does not feel the same about himself as he appears in the outside world.

Roze, thanks for your thoughts. My evenings at the moment are partly preoccupied with keeping warm as the weather has turned much cooler. I suppose beautiful summers evenings can make things feel particularly acute and make me feel I should be out there somewhere and with someone to enjoy it. I know I should just get out there anyway but I can be fearful that being on my own would just plunge me further into sadness. Rather self defeating what?

At least now some of my evening is preoccupied with planning to read and post on this site. However the problem I am finding is that there are so many posts and issues I can relate to and want to reply to that I am not sure where to start - and that is as well as wanting to begin umpteen more posts of my own. One aspect I am wrestling with right now is to try and be instinctive about how I am feeling and just post it rather than planning written explanations. Perhaps that is a step up from my earlier self deprecating approach. Watch this space

On that note thanks to unionmade/roze/samman/Starshine/Globalchick (fabulous username)/hellacious/zorro/overseas and wolfie for your support and suggestions. A pet seems like a good idea but for one the apartment  I live in do not allow pets and  Two we do not really get on and a Cat would probably leave me in a week. As for clubs and societies - yes it is an ongoing search though I am not instinctively a joiner.

I plan to post again anytime now

Bye for now and warmest wishes to you all

summer76

Loneliness

Thanks for your share.

There is a psychological condition called "social anorexia" which I have heard men and women talk about at a SLAA meeting.

This is a fear of intimacy ( discussion , laughter ) with others.

There are different possible reasons for it coming into people's patterns of behaviour.

One I have heard about was that women who were sexually abused as children, have ( NATURALLY ) a fear of others.

Another reason is low self esteem. A sense that "I am different". In my case I was more in this footprint.

There is a way out of this predicament you are in. I am speaking from personal experience when I say this.

Take care. Be well.

It would appear summer76 that you, perhaps, like me find it difficult to be confident about who you are and to value the person who you are. I am aware of this in myself and  yet I find it very hard to overcome. It is not something that you can be given it is something that you have to find for yourself. I am not sure how to do it and perhaps some others can suggest what they would do?

Dear S76,  this might sound rushed because I am meant to be packing to fly off to do some work in my old home state but saw your post before I turned of the lap top -- this might sound like the blurtings of a woman who has drunk too much coffee.

Okay,  mate we need to feel okay about being on the Wall and part of that is to feel accepted for who we are.  I think you need to trust the community that when you get to point of being boring or tiresome we will tell you.  Please just feel okay and don't apologise for being you and having a bit of an offload.  If you read around the posts you'll know that's kind of what the Wall is here for and why you seem to fit in so well.

I don't know about this workplace of yours - now your Manager is involved but doesn't seem to be leading or managing - but participating him - hope he remembers what he is paid for.  Ggrrrrr.

As for being called a leach ?  I don't know what that is based on - it doesn't come across here - well I can't see it.  You don't have to wear labels that others give you - and I don't know how well you see this one fits - you seem to be involved in posting on other subjects and that's how you give here on the Wall - I hope you feel that counts.

As for active Volunteerism - well I am going to be blunct as my family is looking at me with cross eyes as I type furiously - having a passion about politics and events is  nothing more than a connection with beleifs.  Putting your politics into action is really the way of living them.  So yes find someting that fits with your beliefs - you named Zimbabwe and South Africa, so what about something around that - or even a support group for young gay kids and men coming out - I reckon you will find something that you can do.

You just seem like an ordinary bloke who has taken to believing what some of the less generous people in the world have said or suggested to you.  Throw it off your shoulders and listen to what comes to you from here on the Wall and from people who you know respect you.  

As for layout bungles - gosh we have all done that so you are now in that club as well!

Be nice to yourself :)

]

Got to fly - zzoooooooooooom

I hope this doesn't read too strangely no time to check ....

UM xx