Talkabout

15/05/2008 @ 09:55 SleeplessKnight said:

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My best friend is getting married to a man that I really dont like. WHen they first got together he basically dumped her after two weeks because he said he didn't want to settle down. THen suddenly, a month later while drunk on holiday, he proposes and she accepts. I really dont like him, or trust him but I know she is really desperate to have children and I cant help but thinj she is convincing herself he will be good for her because of this..
Should I tell her how I feel?I hbave known her for over 20 years!
Thanks SK x
15/05/2008 @ 10:29 Swon said:

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No doubt in my mind, you should tell her.
People 'in love'' often cannot see faults in thier partner which are blatently obvious to everyone else. Or of course they choose to ignore them.

If you've known her for 20 years you must be able to handle it in a way which will not offend her, she may not take your advice but at least you will have tried.

Good luck.
15/05/2008 @ 10:34 Brown Bear said:

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In Short - YES. I proposed to my first wife when I'd been away for a month and had a few too many. Mother-in-law swung into action: from that moment it was out of control. At some point I realised it was NOT going to be OK and went with my fiancé to the chaplain who was going to do the honours and expressed my concern. 'Oh, it will all be OK,' said he. It wasn't and we were divorced 14 years later. Fortunately our children were not badly affected by it but they could so easily have been. And that's what your friend should be worrying about.

Your girlfriend would be well-advised to tell her man that his proposal cannot be accepted under the circumstances - he must know that, anyway. They should live together for 6 months if possible or at least be together most of the time and then he can be invited to make another valid proposal when fully sober. At the very worst he could abandon her and then she would know she had made a good decision. BB
15/05/2008 @ 13:51 UMxx said:

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Hey SK,

I guess if I was going to be told by someone who I had known for 20 years this kind of mesage, I would be inclined to think it was sour grapes, a personality conflict or just a downer.

I wonder how you could express your real concerns without coming across as being self interested. I think it would help to separate the personality stuff from what you see as the real threats but I wouldn't be doing it in "tell" mode but trying to have a discussion and asking her questions about how she sees him and see if her mind is open to possibilities other than those viewed through rose coloured glasses. But yes I would feel I was being a bad friend if I had genuine concerns about "trust" issues - but not if I was the one who simply didn't think he was good enough or nice enough.

good luck with this
UM
16/05/2008 @ 09:29 cate said:

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Hi Sk , This is so tricky in that you are in a sense a bystander as well as a close friend. What motive would your friend's fiance have in wanting to marry her other than wanting to be with her? I imagine he knows about her wish to have children.
I agree with UM ' telling' your friend is to be avoided rather ,subtle thought provoking questions may help you both better understand the situation. with best wishes , Cate
16/05/2008 @ 13:43 SleeplessKnight said:

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I think its quite amusing all the men say 'tell her!' while all the ladies 'dont tell her!'
Actually I spoke to her last night and she told me she was having and engagement party on saturday night. I feel if I say anything now, as UM says, I will just be putting a downer on things, she seems so happy. I think maybe I will hold off saying anything right now - they are planning on moving in together soon and are not marrying for another year. In that time I hope to get to know him a bit better - maybe he is genuine, maybe he isn't, but I guess for her sake I must try and give him the benefit of the doubt... for now.
It is very odd though because all my other friends feel the same way as I do yet none of us are saying anything - perhaps there is a line that you just dont cross, even as a friend - because love is blind? As friends is it our duty to speak up when we think our pals are about to make a catasrophic mistake, or hold tight and be ready to support them in the fall out? The thing is, if I said anything - would she listen? I dont know... I have a feeling I would just lose a friend.
Tricky tricky
SK x
16/05/2008 @ 17:29 UMxx said:

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hey sk,

yes I think there is a line to be crossed in friendship. I agree it is important to be honest but I also think that unless your friend has a history of making really daft decisions about her life that she deserves the respect of her friends. If she was engaging others in this conversation then I guess I would I take that as an invitation but it doesn't sound as if that is the case.

As hard as it is - I guess we never know what happens inside a relationship - she may be receiving the kind of support from her finance that she needs and isn't obvious to others yet.

I have a couple of friends - both friends now - and like you we (the friendship group) had judged the fellow harshly. It was really obvious after a near fatal car accident involving his wife that he was absolutely committed, loving and caring as he took on the role of looking after someone with significant injuries that changed their lives. I think that was a humbling experience for all of us - maybe it's a time just to keep your eyes and ears open and see if there is any concern in what you see and hear.

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