HIya - am new around here, been reading a bit and now 'having a go'.

I have a bit of an issue that I am not sure is an issue. I lost both my parents in a car crash when I was 19 (I am now 26). As an only child I was given both their estates, my mother had inherited a lot from her family (wealthy scottish landowners) and my father was a successful entrepreneur. Needless to say I have a large inheritance - some that I have now, and some that I will receive when I have children as part of the provisions of the will.

I was warned by my lawyer to never make a lot of noise about my wealth as it could attract the wrong attention - and I never have although it is pretty obvious to those who get to know me as I live in a nice house, have two cars etc...

I have not really had a lot of luck with men in the past because they have always tended to be attracted to me because of the type of lifestyle I can provide (I work because I want to, I certainly dont have to). This has come out sooner or later in the relationship - and it does make me very paranoid. 

I feel very protective about my inheritance, somehow I dont really see it as mine, but as something I must guard and protect for my own children. I didn't earn it, so I feel uncomfortable spending it on frivilous things.

Now, to get to the crux of it. At Christmas I met a man when I was on a ski trip with friends. We got on really well throughout the whole trip, and it seemed he knew nothing of how I lived or anything - it felt nice to be meeting someone like that on face value - and although I didn't lie to him directly, I enjoyed not revealing too much about my finances.

Before long we started dating back in the UK where I am now living, and eventually I invited him over and told him a little more about my situation. Now, this all seemed fine and we got on more and more - he takes me to places like Monkey World or Alton Towers and likes to take me out for dinner. One of the great things seemed to be that there was never an issue about who pays for what (like I have found with exes, who either expected me to pay for everything, or resented that I could....).

The only problem is that he let it slip recently that he actually did know about my wealth when we first met because he heard my friends talking about it or something while we were away. HE says he didn't bring it up because he didn't want me to think that he was only interested in my money - and especially after I had told him about some of my experiences with my exes. He says that money is no issue for him, but then he also talks alot about cars and gadgets that he really wants - and I dont know if its just chit chat, or if he is hinting.

I feel like I really miss my mum and dad in all this, I dont know how to handle what they have left me and sometimes feel like everyone is trying to take what they left me away from me. I know it is probably terrible paranoia, but I couldn't live with myself if I let it all go simply because my head got turned by the wrong man.

What should I do?

Hi Dooshbag and welcome to the wall.

It must be quite upsetting for you, never being able to trust the motives of potential partners.

In my opinion, you can either continue your relationship for a few more months and continue 'going dutch', he might get fed up and walk away, or you could test him by offering to lend him the money, interest-free, for a new car on the understanding that it is

(a) registered in your name and you keep the registration documents until he's paid you back. 

and

(b) he sets up a standing order to make regular re-payments to you.

You can explain this by saying you have been ripped off in the past and you want to safeguard your money for yourself and any children you might have. I'm sure if you sit down and think it through you could come up with a reasonable explanation.

Then gauge his reaction, if he is really keen on you for yourself he might moan a bit but he will agree. If on the other hand he tries to make you feel bad by accusing you of not trusting him and not really caring and all the old emotional blackmail, of coming up with a string of excuses why he cannot afford to borrow the money (aging mother, 10 sick children etc, etc) - then kick him into touch and move on with your life.

Sorry if that all sounds harsh, but life's like that, especially where money is concerned.

Take care and good luck

Hello and welcome,

Although this is not a problem I will ever have, I think at some time or other most of us wonder, "What if...?" I think, clearly because the inheritance is important for your children, (if no children, what then?) you need to be proactive and protect these assets. Certainly get legal advice. Financial advice. I don't know the laws in England. I haven't really bothered much with the laws here in Australia for that matter. I would want to keep my financial interests completely and utterly separate, even in marriage. Don't be bullied. That could be harder. Especially as a relationship takes on more emotional depths. I'm sure you know that. That's why I say to be proactive, set a firm limit, a line that no matter what will not be crossed. Even if, (we certainly hope not,) you were to marry, have children and then die yourself - it would be all the more important that your assets be protected for your children in that event.

Sometimes S1 irritates me. No way would I advise you test a fellow like he suggests.

Sad to say, I think the questions about money, whether wealth is shared or not etc will always arise. I think, best decide asap, with advice, and not from a single source either, and make decisions now that will be binding unless you change them in the presence of a lawyer, in writing to cover all kinds of possible futures.

It is doubtful you will be able to predict absolutely every possibility - just the more likely will probably be enough. If the guys know you have seen to this, if they are genuine, that I would hope, should put the issue to rest. They will know, it isn't theirs, never will be, and they can't touch it even if you are deranged, senile, or dead. You will have to keep an up-to-date Will, possibly in England you have 'Living Will's ?  I would look into that too.

There's a lot of nitty-gritty, more when/if you marry. I don't know how de-facto relationships are treated in England either. Oh, boy, it sure is a difficult problem. All the best with it and your relationship.

-Mebenji

Hello everyone, wow - thank you so much for all this great advice.

I do actually have a group of people who manage my estate, and my lawyer was an old school friend of my fathers so I have known him all of my life, and he treats me a bit like a daughter and I know is keeping an eye on things. I think I am just struggling mainly with the responsibility, and as (I think) Unionmaid says I think I perhaps will be having these doubts about any man who gets close to me. It is very difficult not to LOOK for comments or actions that may mean I am about to be taken for a ride - I think I look for this more than looking for the good in a potential partner. While I know this is negative behaviour - I am not sure how to stop it and just trust.

S1dg5y - I have done the testing thing before in a previous relationship so dont think I haven't considered it. Thing is, last time it turned out to eb a disaster (i hired a very bad PI)- so I dont think that is the way to go again.

I hve only met one of his friends who seemed very nice, but it was only very brief. I am meant to be going to a party with him this weeekend and will meet some more of them there. I might take my best friend if she will come, she is very protective over me and will tell it straight if necessaRY

I hate to sound ungrateful, but sometimes I wonder if my life would be easier if I just gave the lot away..

Thanks again for all the kind replies