I am feeling so completely lost.  I've always had bouts of depression (never treated) and minor OCD issues.  I am married and in love with another man.  He is the father of my son's friend.  His wife and I are friends, not super close, but our kids do alot of things together, which is how the Dad and I started our affair.  We just hit it off so easily at first, I felt like I've known him forever. We are so much alike and enjoy each other's company so much.  A few months ago he emailed me at work and we began a relationship.  We both agreed that we wouldn't leave our spouses in order to protect our kids. In the meantime our love for each other blossomed. I was walking on clouds, I was so happy.  We were both so completely in sync with each other's thoughts and feelings.  I felt like I met my soulmate.  Then a few weeks ago, I got nervous, i don't know why.  The guilt bothered me.  I was so afraid of getting caught and losing everything.  My husband, my friendship with his wife, our kids friendship would suffer and I would lose the man of my dreams.  I told him about this and we worked through it.  He said to leave it in his hands and we wouldn't get caught. However, it seemed like since then he hasn't been the same.  He had been living behind a wall for so long and he took the wall down for me and really opened his heart to me.  But since then, a little piece of the wall came back up.  He ultimately admitted it.  He was afraid of me ending it and getting hurt.  Anyway, since then he hasn't been exactly the same.  We still talk everyday. we email each other at work, we see each other when the kids get together, but he doesn't seem to have that intensity and ardent desire that he used to have. He used to beg me to meet him places, he would call me from work just to hear my voice.  He doesn't do this anymore. He says he still loves me deeply and when I look in eyes his eyes, I know it's true.  Are we having an affair or not?  Doesn't it necessarily include some type of risk?  I don't understand why it was worth the risk before , but now it isn't. We never met in a hotel room or anything.  We've haven't actually even have been really  alone.  We haven't made love yet.  I would be happy just lying in his arms.  Anyway, his distance has caused me so much pain.  This has ulimately triggered another bout of depression.  I cry myself to sleep every night.  I can't do the things I used to. I am not eating much.  My work is suffering, my daily chores aren't getting done.  The irony is my husband who is a kind man is trying to help me through it.  And I feel guilty for taking his compassion. Now I'm starting to get obsessed with him.  I think about him all the time. I never know when I'm going to see him again.  But I try planning for it and if something comes up I am devasted.  Recently he had an opportunity to come over to my house.  I asked him just to stop by for a few minutes. I only wanted to feel his arms around me.  He said he'd try. Well he didn't come over.  He called and told me and I freaked out.  I had a complete breakdown over the phone with him.  He was patient, but didn't give in.  That completely sent me into a downward spiral of despair.  Wild horses couldn't keep me away from him, yet it seemed so easy for him to stay away from me.  Anyway, I'm considering taking something for the depression in the hopes that it will help to give me a better outlook on this whole situation.  I can't go on like this.  I have never had an affair, he hasn't either (I have no doubt of this at all).  I know he loves me.  He's not the type of man to string me along.  He plans family activites for both our families to do together.  (It's usually just us;our spouses are working).  He has changed for me.  I know he wasn't happy in his marriage.  His wife used to complain about him all the time that he just wants to sit in the house and watch movies.  Now he plans barbeques, and day trips with our families.  But a little part of me is afraid that i am just a friend that can give him a little t&a when he wants it.  He denies it of course. So i don't know if it's the depression talking.  I constantly have little voices in my head that this is onesided. yet when i am with him, i can see the honesty in his eyes.  So am I just being obsessive?  I know I can't have him openly.  We have an agreement to be open about this when the kids are grown up. I know, that sounds crazy.  I can't go on like this.  Every time he leaves me, he takes my heart with him and I feel like I can't live until the next time I see him. I've told him all this and he is so patient and kind and he reassures me that I'm in his thoughts all the time but we both have to play house in order to make this last. He tells me to hang on, that we have a future together and that we've only just discovered each other.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to end it and I know we can't be together openly. The ache of not being able to simply hold his hand in public is destroying me.  We used to have so many dreams of dates and sneaking off for a day.  I feel so sick now because I know it will probably never happen. I am really sorry for how  long this is.  I have absolutely no one to talk to and this has been eating me up inside. I need help to come to peace with this somehow.

Hello,

This is a really demanding situation you are in and I am wondering if it is possible to decide to put yourself first and work through how your might want to feel in the future. Roze is right in in suggesting that you keep on talking here - it often helps us work out so much.  With warm wishes for you. UM xx  

hi ..

I read your story and felt like i was reliving an exact situation i was in years ago ..

Firstly i really want to send you ahug as i really do understand how lonely and isolated your situation has you feeling.

I also know that no amount of advice will stop or change your situation unless this is what you truly want. It seems at this time the dependancy you have for this chap is at an all time high .. your actually being controlled by it and he is in the driving seat..

i understand completely that this chemistry you both have feels like 'love' but it is a merely mimicking this ..as infactuation often does. Those highs that such a meeting of minds create are extremely painful when they crash to a low.. and can feel like an adddiction.

When i read your post i read a lot of things about how wonderful this guy makes you feel, and how much you need him etc yet your incredibly unhappy and this 'high' you have from him leaves you emotionally exhausted and controlled .. this is a very destructive pattern.

Ask yourself, if he truley loved you why has he backed off since you admitted your fears of being found out etc.. this guy lost a part of his controll when you told him that, to him the situation became dangerous , he still continues to puppeteer you emotionally by feeding you kind words and patience etc but look at it deeper.

What your experiencing now emotionally is the fear that comes from rejection and the abandonment from the attention he gave .. the 'high' this in turn creates anger and insecurity and those voices in your head you mention is your subconscience trying to justify it all. He no longer chases you or puts in the effort and this leaves you feeling very anxious . Like all addictions when you cant have that high, the mind or body will trick you into finding a way to feed..

I do apologise if i am coming across as a little hard but having experienced this myself i really do understand the power of such emotions .. and also know how how destructive they are and you as a person are worth so much more..

Ask yourself why this guy was able to affect you so much , what is it in your marriage that was so missing that this guy was able to take hold so hard ..

I know it doesnt feel like it right now but by telling that guy your concerns about being caught, and those uncomfortable feelings and the guilt was actually your conscience shouting at you that the situation isnt right .. and by telling him this you actually took back some controll.

Now is the time to really examine what  is missing in your life and why this all happened. You obviously care about your husband and the importance of your family is very apparent .. but take time for some quite introspection and find the magic within. You were able to laugh smile feel good before you met this guy and you can and will again after .. i promise .

The turning point for me during my situation like yours was asking myself if what i felt and he felt was really love , then we would be together no matter what .. but there was always an excuse or a reason .. Real love has no excuses ..

I wish you the very best with this my friend ..

Remember whats important to you and what makes you happy..

Be Strong ..

Hugs xx