The badlands of love

Being in love can bring many rewards, but also some darker emotions. Psychologist Lisa Matthewman uncovers the truth about why we suffer from emotions like jealousy, obsession or unrequited love in our search for the right partner

It is said that the path to true love never runs smooth and, no matter how emotionally together we may be, most of us enter ‘the badlands of love’ from time to time. Discover the triggers that can turn us from being perfectly emotionally-centred human beings one day into green-eyed monsters, partner spies or paranoid wrecks the next.

Why is it that even the strongest people can become vulnerable to extreme behaviours such as jealousy and obsession?

Lisa Matthewman: The mating ritual is a dance of surrender and learning to trust. Not only is it a time of excitement, but also one of anxiety as you try to develop intimacy with someone with a view to a longer term commitment. Not only are you hormonally charged with natural chemicals to assist the bonding process, but also you are disclosing a significant part of yourself; this is great if you are both emotionally available and ready for intimacy, but leaves you more open to getting emotionally hurt. Because of these factors, you are already physically and emotionally vulnerable during this time, which is part of the process of forming a relationship. It is when one person discovers that the other is not on the ‘same page’ emotionally that problems can arise.

Is it true that you are either a ‘jealous person’ or not?

Lisa Matthewman: Sexual jealousy stems from a biological as well an emotional level. The hormone testosterone – which is present in men and women – makes you feel ‘sexy’, but it is also quite an aggressive hormone which makes you ready to fight off other potential mates. Sexual jealousy is moderated by individual factors such as personality and upbringing – such as how you learnt to deal with relationships from your parents. And it is these factors that make sexual jealousy higher in some men and women than others. We are all charged with the potential for sexual jealousy but some act on it more than others. A little bit of it can be quite healthy for a relationship because it is a protection mechanism but when it starts to interfere with the relationship and the other person feels threatened or suffocated, problems can arise.

What about ‘bunny boilers’? Why do some people become so obsessed with their lover that they often loose sight of their own identity or moral code?

Lisa Matthewman: There are certain types of love styles that are more prone to obsessive relationships. There is one particular love style called mania (the name is based on Greek mythology) which represents a person who is highly volatile, particularly prone to mood swings and obsessive behaviour. Mania is usually associated with low self esteem, which is why this is a common love style for many teenagers. In adults it can be triggered during childhood as you learn it from your early experiences. It is associated with possession and co-dependency and often people with the mania love style see love as a means of reinforcing their own value.

Find out more about the six different love styles here:

Why do many of us experience such powerful all encompassing emotions for someone who doesn’t feel the same way back?

Lisa Matthewman: In our early years particularly, we are often trying out many different relationships and as part of that process we are likely to come across at least one relationship where there is unrequited love. It can be quite devastating for some individuals, while others take a more ‘there are plenty more pebbles on the beach’ type attitude. Rejection for everyone can be quite traumatic, even more so with unrequited love because no matter how rational and sensible one might be, loving someone from afar can become very masochistic.  If you are friends with someone and then a sexual relationship develops that you both want then that is great, but if the other is not showing a sexual interest then you have to break away or else the relationship can become self destructive and undermine your confidence. The borderline between friendship and romantic sexual attraction can be very dangerous and unless you are a very emotionally strong person it is best to keep the two separate.

Many people seem prone to the ‘always falling for the wrong person’ trap – why is this?

Lisa Matthewman: A person with low self esteem might choose someone who is unavailable, perhaps they are married, live in a different location or are emotionally unavailable. If you are choosing people on a subconscious level that are unavailable, you are seeking the unobtainable because it is safe, you subconsciously know you will never ‘get them’ so it is a way of avoiding intimacy. This is a self protection mechanism common in those who are afraid of intimacy. It is common behaviour in people from divorced backgrounds, or those who had poor role models or bad experiences with relationships in their teenage years.


So, regardless of which ‘Badland’ you may find yourself in, the likelihood is that you are either in the wrong place emotionally for love, or may be with the wrong partner. Whilst it is easy to blame ‘the other’ for causing pain, it is important to take some responsibility for your own emotional well being by accepting, learning and understanding your own flaws and vulnerabilities.

Related articles:
Discover the 3 intimate addictions: sex, romance and relationships

Bookmark with: