3 intimate addictions – sex, relationships and romance

Can you really be addicted to sex? To romance? To relationships? Clare Spurrell reviews Anne Wilson Shaef’s book ‘Escape From Intimacy’ which explores the three addictions that prevent us from experiencing true intimacy

I’ll admit I began this book with an air of scepticism – there is still much debate over non-substance addiction, especially in a society where every slight flaw seems to require a label. However, Escape From Intimacy intelligently explores what role family, society and institutions, such as school and the church, have on some of our most intimate idiosyncrasies.

Shaef captures her basic idea on addictions by saying ‘sexual addicts “come on”, romance addicts “move on” and relationship addicts “hang on”’. Although they have some overlap, they need to be looked at individually to understand the nature of these addictions.

Sex addiction

According to Shaef, sexual addiction is ‘an obsession and preoccupation with sex, in which everything is defined sexually or by its sexuality and all perceptions and relationships are sexualised’.

Using case studies Shaef explores the different levels of sex addiction. These include the sexually repressed (or sexual anorexia), individuals that are obsessed with repressing their own and other peoples sexuality, right through to porn addicts, fantasists or those that are carelessly promiscuous in order to achieve a sexual ‘fix’.

Shaef constantly refers to this addiction as a ‘progressive, fatal disease’ – implying there is nothing titillating about sex addiction. At its most extreme it encompasses the darker end of the scale, for example rape or abuse, and can be just as lethal to and prevalent in society as chemical addictions.

Romance addiction

Romance addicts, suggests Shaef, are the illusionists; they are in love with the idea of love, and truly believe that their prince or princess is just around the corner. ‘Romance addicts are obsessed with the accoutrements of relationships, not relationships themselves. They are always waiting for the partner of their dreams to appear. They, like other addicts, are terrified of intimacy; other people are just objects to provide their fix’.

As with sex addiction, romance addiction also has different levels. Whether it is obsessing over romantic love songs or novels, or searching for romantic thrills without any regard for morals of socially acceptable behaviour. At this extreme, romance addicts do not care if homes are wrecked or children abandoned as long as they get their ‘fix’. They are concerned with the external appearance of a relationship, obsessing over how a relationship ‘should’ be, rather than facing the reality.

Relationship addiction

‘Relationship addicts do not have relationships; they have hostages’ says Shaef. These types of addicts are probably the most common and can be categorised into two types. The first are addicted to having a relationship, any relationship, and usually have serial relationships - before the first ends they already have the next lined up. The second type become addicted to one specific person, and will not let go. They will be prepared to lose their own identity, dreams and beliefs in order to keep this one special person.

Such addicts Shaef refers to as ‘consummate “cons”’ – they have become expert at the ‘techniques’ of relationships and manage to always do the right things, and can be very controlling or manipulative. But no one knows who they really are because, according to Shaef they ‘look to the relationship to tell them who they are. They have no concept of establishing an identity of their own’. Their drive is a consuming fear of being alone.

So, is everyone an addict?

It is interesting to learn how Shaef observes all these addictions as a means of avoiding intimacy, thus the title! This is certainly something that many people recognise at some point in their lives – a fear of ‘opening up’, of laying yourself bare before someone else emotionally, as well as physically.

For Sheaf, we are all addicts on some level: ‘to say we are all addicts is to give all of us the possibility of recovery from a disease inherent in our addictive culture’. She believes that problems only occur when these addictions are left unchecked, that in order for us to have truly intimate relationships, we must first be intimate with ourselves. In the chapter ‘Intimacy and healthy relationships’ she explains how we must learn to accept and understand our own flaws, in order to accept and understand the flaws of those we love.  

The book intelligently categorises romantic motivations, and provides useful information on how these individual characteristics are learned and what must be done in order to enjoy truly intimate and healthy relationships. Although in parts it could be criticised for over intellectualising, it is perhaps this sort of thinking that will break down the barriers that currently prevent us from understanding our own individual sexual and relational mysteries.

Anne Wilson Shaefs book Escape From Intimacy: Untangling the "Love" Addictions : Sex, Romance, Relationships is available from Harper Collins priced £6.71 (UK) and  $13.95 (US)

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