Feel the (social) fear?

Do you feel you can relax in social situations or are you constantly worrying that people will judge your actions, or find you dull? Find out what’s really going on

Social fear, social anxiety, unease or shyness - there are many labels you can place on someone who just doesn’t feel comfortable in social situations, and although this unease can represent itself in a spectrum of different ways – sweating, blushing, not saying anything at all - its roots are the same.

Social fear is a result of what some would call ‘neural scaffolding’ – a repetitive behaviour that when left unchecked over a period of time, builds and strengthens certain brain connections through repetition. You may, for example, always feel a hit of ‘nervous energy’ when around people you don’t know. In understanding why this nervous energy is triggered, and by breaking negative behavioural habits, new, more sociable scaffolding can be erected in its place.

Why you clam up

The very term ‘clamming up’ refers to the way a clam closes its shells when faced with danger. In the same way, when you clam up in social situations, it is in fact a protective reflex that is silencing you, not your inability to be engaging or talkative.

When surrounded by people, particularly that you don’t know very well, your unease triggers distress signals to your brain that all is not right. In turn, your brain goes into ‘crisis mode’, triggering your body’s automatic reflexes of fight or flight. Your thinking centres are forced to take a back seat. In this state your primed brain cannot process information, or generate any new ideas, leaving your conscious mind blank and struggling to have something to say.

This can cause a repetitive cycle which worsens if left unchecked as your brain continually fixates on potentially distressing triggers; worrying about introducing yourself, worrying about what to say next, worrying that you can’t focus on what another person is saying properly, and so on. You need to break the cycle by first discovering what it is that causes you to ‘clam up’ in order to work out how to prevent it from happening.

What triggers your unease?

Often there are certain situations that are more distressing than others. It might be big crowds, it could be work events, it could be company meetings or anywhere you are expected to talk in front of others. It can be the simplest thing. Many people struggle, for example, to use a telephone in an open plan office.

Try to target when you feel less confident by writing down the last six social situations you were in. Give yourself an anxiety rating out of 5, and then give each one a short description, how many people were there, what your role was, specific moments when you felt more anxious than others, and so on.

Look for patterns to your anxiety by trying to target some common themes that are making you anxious. For example, you might discover that you feel more comfortable in small groups or that the presence of your partner or closest friends helps, maybe it’s work events that cause you anxiety. Once you have targeted some of the triggers to your fear, you can start to take steps to alleviate it.

What are your stress signals?

Perhaps you get a tight throat, or feel uncontrollable nervous energy. Maybe you go red easily or perhaps you sweat more than usual. In acknowledging and recognising your own stress signals you can more quickly activate a recovery plan, nipping your anxiety in the bud before it becomes unmanageable.

As soon as you feel one of your stress signals, act on it by using one of the relaxation techniques described below. You are now starting to rebuild your neural scaffolding, and if you remain consistent and actively refuse to allow your anxiety to fixate, you will soon find yourself in a fear free environment where you can enjoy all social situations without anxiety or concern.

How to relax your head

Emotional states are reflected in the way we breathe. Jerky, short breaths tend to increase anxiety or stress, whereas breathing fully into your belly is a sure sign of being pretty chilled out. So it makes sense to use your breathing as a means of controlling your emotional state.

If you feel yourself tensing up or your mind wandering off into a state of worry or anxiety, take some deep breaths. Get some oxygen into your body and it will relax. Place a hand on your stomach and concentrate on breathing in slowly, deeply and consistently – expanding your stomach on the in breath, and contracting it on the out breath.

If your mind tries to sidle off back to the anxious zone – which it will do because this is what it is used to – just return your attention to your breathing as soon as you realise you have been distracted.

Another way of getting your brain to engage is by using the ancient Chinese system of acupuncture which identifies two neuro-vascular points on your head, about one inch above the centre of each eyebrow. Applying pressure to these points while breathing deeply from your tummy helps feed blood back to the brain, will relieve stress and help you think more clearly.

You will find that your brain adapts pretty quickly to these techniques. If used frequently, before long it will take less and less time to return to a calm state, until eventually your new scaffolding will be in place and you will not need the techniques at all.

A note on confidence

Some people say that socially uneasy people lack self confidence. This is not always the case – there are plenty of incredibly self confident people who suffer from social anxiety, just ask Richard Branson or Indiana Jones himself, Harrison Ford. Social anxiety should not prevent you from being yourself with people or experiencing new opportunities, it does not have to control you. By understanding your triggers and practicing how to relax, you can learn how to control it.

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