Quiz: are you a giver or a taker?

Give too much and you forfeit your own needs, take too much and you forfeit those of others – where do you fit in? Take our quiz and find out:

Choose the answer that most closely reflects your opinion. Make a note of which letter you choose for each and then add up how many As, Bs and Cs you have at the end.

1. When someone offers me a compliment I:

• A. Feel a bit uncomfortable, and immediately offer one back
• B. Revel in it, I love being noticed
• C. Feel flattered, but it’s no big deal

2. As a child:

• A. I had a lot of responsibility for other members of the family
• B. I often had to compete with my siblings to get attention
• C. I was given a lot of love and freedom  

3. At a party, someone gives you an unexpected box of chocolates as a Christmas present. What do you do?

• A. Panic because I don’t have a gift to give them back!
• B. Thank them and put them away to enjoy later
• C. Open them immediately and offer them around the room

4. Which statement do you most believe?

• A. Do unto others as they would do unto you
• B. Nice people finish last
• C. A problem shared is a problem halved

5. It’s your birthday and a close friend wants to take you out for dinner – do you:

• A. Accept, but immediately start thinking about what you can do for their birthday that is just as nice
• B. Go along and celebrate with lots of wine and a three course meal - it is your birthday!
• C. Feel delighted that they asked you and suggest a cheapish restaurant that you think you will both really like

6. Which of these statements best describes your work style?

• A. I often work late and do more than my fair share
• B. I know where I am going, and how I want to get there
• C. I am a real team player

7. Your main priority is:

• A. To make sure the people you love are happy and looked after
• B. To make a success of your life
• C. To have a good work/life balance

Mostly A’s – You are a giver

The common assumption is that ‘givers’ are generous souls who dedicate their lives to the benefit of others. Although this may be true if this behaviour is balanced, givers are not always so selfless, and their generosity is not always well received or appreciated.

‘It’s not easy to receive something from someone when it’s inappropriate; either too expensive or not well chosen’ says Psychotherapist Simon Jacobs. ‘These are the givers who give because they want something back - it’s a way of fishing for something to raise their self esteem - they want to impress and they want to know that we are impressed’.

Of course, there is also that type of giver who does get genuine joy from seeing other people’s pleasure, but struggles to receive themselves. If you pay them a compliment they either ignore it, or bat one straight back at you. ‘This nullifies the compliment, and takes the whole joy out of giving and receiving,’ says Jacobs. ‘It’s a way of not allowing yourself to enter into a relationship with someone and is common in those who are scared of intimacy’.

If you think you are a compulsive giver, Jacobs advises ‘when you shop tobuy presents, ask yourself “what do I want from this person? What are my expectations in giving this gift?”’. If you discover that you are not giving for the sake of giving but because you want to impress, then maybe think again. Instead of focusing on what you would like give them, look instead at what they would like to receive. If you know you tend to go a bit overboard, fix a small budget before you go and stick to it.

Mostly B’s – you are a taker!

Takers are life’s fighters; they often come from large families with lots of siblings where they have learnt to fight for attention, for the best gifts, the choicest hand-me-downs and the best food. ‘There is a lack of sensitivity with takers’ says Jacobs. ‘They often need to feel they have done better than someone else, usually to the exclusion of other peoples feelings’.

But although their behaviour can be seen as aggressive, often it stems from emotional fragility and a low sense of self esteem. They may feel somehow inadequate and, perhaps childishly, need to take what they feel they don’t have from others. ‘Many of us live in quite a regressed state of being, partly because we live more “in the moment” – struggling to make more money and rarely standing back to take a breath’ says Jacobs.  ‘Children love to get presents and will grab things, which is fine for little toddlers but pretty unattractive in a grown-up’.

If you think you might have taking tendencies, think about what you are depriving yourself of by not enjoying both giving and receiving. Jacobs advises ‘think about how much pleasure you are missing by not seeing your partner’s face light up when you do the giving for a change’. He concludes ‘It’s a simple as being mindful and mature!’

Mostly C’s – you are a sharer!

Sharers have got the balance about right. They enjoy both giving and receiving in equal measures and are usually life’s level headed mediators. More than likely they grew up with a lot of love, free space and the attention they needed.

Sharers, however, can be prone to being reliant on the sharing process, and feel unbalanced if the giving and receiving is not equal. ‘In a relationship this behaviour can lead to co-dependence’ says Jacobs. ‘You need to give and take the same, and often there is such equality that you almost lose your independence’.

Although sharing is a great attribute, it can also be suffocating. ‘When you are that closely bonded it almost becomes impossible to share everything’ explains Jacobs. ‘Giving and taking in relationships is tricky to manage, but if you don’t maintain your sense of self there is something not right’. Share and compromise where you can, but make sure you do not continually forfeit your own wants and needs for the sake of others.

Simon Jacobs is a psychotherapist who runs groups on communication and relationships. For more information visit www.london-psychotherapist.co.uk or www.crsgroups.co.uk

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