I need to let out a good cry. I can feel it being held inside and I'm not liking it much. If I focus on what I've been looking at and what I've read, I will absolutely begin to cry. As I sit here and write this, I feel all of the feelings welling up inside my chest and throat although I'm not 'sad'.
But as I think more of therapy; what I need and what I'm not getting in therapy - I well up with many more emotions. I am not sure how I feel about a lot of it, as I've not allowed myself to really think about it much. I can generally go around the thoughts from it, but that's all I allow. Yesterday I spent a great deal of time at work very angry and grouchy because that's how I felt. I ignored almost everyone. The people I really enjoy and like - I pushed aside - literally. I didn't talk unless I was spoken to and even then, it was minimal. Only after about 8 hours is when I started easing up a bit, realizing that I could be affecting my relationship with these people. These are my 'friends' and my anger, sadness, loss and grieving shouldn't be thrown onto any of them. I was asked by one of my favorites if I was okay, touching my shoulder to show caring ... I answered yes and quickly brushed by her in order to remove myself from the 'situation'. Secretly, all I wanted to do was hug her tight, receive the hug back and hold on for dear life. But we were at work and I wouldn't/couldn't allow myself to be that vulnerable. The sad part is that I wouldn't have allowed myself to be that vulnerable with her out of work - for fear she'd think I was crazy. I was dying to see my other friend. I could have asked her for a hug and she would have hugged me until I let go.
Last week in therapy, I walked up the stairs and into the waiting room. I was surprised when I got there ... slowly sitting down - trying to take it all in. The entire waiting room was rearranged and changed. There were pictures on the wall that weren't there the week before. A side table with a vase full of hydrangeas was placed there and that too, wasn't there last week. Dark striped curtains were put up with a sheer white one underneath. I looked down on the stand and read the book of 'patient agreements' for Anna and another woman. I looked up and realized why all of these things looked familiar. All of it was Dawn's ... all of it except the curtains.
I sat back and clutched my purse ... felt the tears starting to well in my eyes and thinking of swear words to use on this new woman if she came out of her office. And then the thinking all turned into how I could safely throw this vase out of the window and get it into my car before anyone saw. I imagined how I could fit it into my purse and run downstairs for a moment and then come back up for my appointment. I remember exactly where it sat in Dawn's office and it made me miss her, miss therapy ... and get sad.
And then the infamous train wreck of a session was what I went into.
So my next mission ... How can I get this vase of hydrangeas out of the waiting room and into my car! My goodness, I don't think I've ever thought of so many illegal acts since knowing that Dawn was leaving. First it was the couch ... and now it's the vase with flowers. This lady obviously didn't want it in her office, as well as the other things that she took out, so she wouldn't notice, right?? I could replace it with something else, right? Alright, so now I need some accomplices. Whose going to help? Anyone have a REALLY large purse?!