The little thief

harmony

Brick created on 19/08/2008 @ 05:39

Your brick story

DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE UPSET

The stealing incident

Quote from: (http://www.parenting-ed.org/handout3/Specific%20Concerns%20and%20Problems/stealing.htm)

“There are many things that parents can do to address stealing after it has occurred.
*Remain calm. When parents discover that their child has stolen something it is very important that they don't overreact. Parents should keep in mind that all children take things that don't belong to them at one time or another. Parents who become overly upset may instil feelings of guilt and shame in their child, which can affect self-esteem. Parents should try to remain calm instead, and should deal with stealing behaviors in as matter-of-fact a manner as possible.”

It’s school holidays. I’m 7yrs old and I’m in the kitchen with my mother and, brother who is 16 (and who has been sexually abusing me and controlling me for 2 years at this stage in time). Brother drops some coins on the kitchen floor and I help pick them up and keep hold of a sixpence. I hide it initially but I keep up pretence of searching until my mother is convinced brother started off with sixpence less than he’d thought.

It’s decided I am being sent to the local shops to buy some food items we need. I know my mother goes through all pockets and brushes coats before letting anyone leave the house (please note: this is not because I’d ever stole anything before – it’s part of a ritual she has, and as her children interpret it, an excuse to shake us about and hit us). I have the ingenious idea to hide the sixpence in my hair under my hair band.

I’m all set, I have new coat with the Mother of Pearl buttons on – how good these buttons make me feel! Me? A coat with special buttons? I bend other the shopping note that my mother is writing and the sixpence falls onto the table in front of her eyes. She is silent. She unbuttons the coat and pulls it off of me and drags me into the living room where stupid brother is on a chair sniggering. She stands in front of me and gives me such a huge slap on the side of my head that I end up on the wall a couple of feet away from her and then fall onto the floor. I can see things in front of my eyes that I know don’t exist and I can’t move for a few seconds. She is raging with the filthiest of expletives, directing them to me as if she is throwing knives at me. Such a foul mouth she has.

My mother tells stupid, sniggering brother to go get the thick brown leather belt with the huge brass buckle belonging to another brother. At first he can’t find it - she tells him where else to look and he comes back triumphant. In front of the person who sexually abuses me, controls me, humiliates me, shames me on a daily basis, she yanks my dress up and over my head and off and I’m standing there in vest and knickers and she takes the belt and hits me full force with it, buckle exposed, several times across my legs and body, shouting that I am f****** little **** of a thief and I will never steal again as long as I live. I don’t think I scream. I feel shocked that someone who crawls into my bed to do what he wants with me is there with a stupid grin of satisfaction on his face.

I just lie on the floor for quite a long time and cry. I am completely ignored – I want to say brother walks over me at one point but that could just be a bit of fantasy, I don’t know. Eventually I take my dress and go cry in bed. By evening when my father comes homes nothing looks amiss and no one mentions anything.

The term f****** little **** of a thief, gets added to my mother's arsenal / repertoire of names she can call me.

Just to spite her, I learned to be a much better little thief.

When this incident happened I was a 7yr old, beautiful, white-blond gentle child with a stammer who had only just stopped being hit at school most days for being a poor reader. It was a point where some siblings had moved out/ got married/ gone to convent boarding School (AKA the Great Escape) and I had a beDroom to myself - I thought of it as The Torture Chamber because of what stupid sniggering brother did to me in it. I was already under severe stress. Not good...........

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Comments

19/08/2008 @ 11:55 UMxx said

It is the sense of frustration and powerlessness that makes me really angry at both your mother (she doesn't deserve that title) and the nasty little sniggering brother.
The triumph is that despite all of this you are such a beautiful spirit and those fuckers did not win. Do you feel you can celebrate your spirit? love you UM xx
19/08/2008 @ 16:34 Mebenji said

I'm sorry Harmony, that happened to you - that your brother too was MUST have been so damaged to treat you so badly as well, and that woman (I agree with UM - she may have given birth to you, but that doesn't make her a Mother, just as mine, and my step-mother...they don't deserve it if they don't at the very least act it - not to mention feel it). I think mine could be related to yours, like siblings...but yours were worse, so much worse...similarities and differences...
in a detached part of my brain I wonder at how a punishment has to produce a visible, painful would - as if the child will instantly forget wtihout a reminder for the next week or month, about the lesson they are supposed to learn by having it belted into them, as if the wound itself is integral to the meaning of 'punishment', otherwise it wouldn't really be a punishment.
& invoving other siblings, having them present - surely teaches them how to treat you too, surely also to re-enforce your own humiliation....my parents did that too, you see...and the bet, my father would tell one of us, or ourselves to 'get the belt', if he wasn't wearing one at the time, which he could use. Pants down, flip the dress up, bend over, perhaps over the knee (I think that stopped as we got older, bigger) - more than one, line up...clothes weren't actually removed...was never damn near knocked out....but you could be beaten "within an inch of your life" or "'til you can't sit down for a week" and he wasn't always so accurate with the belt...Remind me how Bill Cosby was ever funny??? My father listened to him a lot...applied Cosby to his parenting. Ever heard of Schadenfreude? I think that is applicable to your brother - seems he enjoyed your pain and misfortune, and seeing you pushed down, humiliated and in pain...I woundn't've thought that was eve human...no not even in the most dire of circumstances...I don't recall any of my siblings and step-siblings being so pleased to see another of us 'in trouble' and being punished...my step-sister was glad I was being punished along side her for doing something with her which she had initiated and encouraged - damn, I wanted her to like me; I broke my sister's toy. We both were made to lie face down, bent over the edge of the parents bed and wait to be belted, then belted. While waiting she let me know she was pleased.
Your experiences are confronting - I cry for your little self - I'm not ashamed to cry for you...I can understand how you broke pieces, years in your mind, because you couldn't deal with the Whole. I took only slightly a different way about it, compartmentalizing places, people, even to thinking of my brother as two people - the one who abused me and the other who was the bass player/rock musician/'hunk' according to so many other teenagers, my step-sister(the same as above)told me - even she was attracted to him/older brother I wanted to admire and feel safe with...but never did, really - how could I when the brother who abused me was really the same person after all...tricks of my mind weren't quite perfect...but I've wished they had been...
Painful, sorrowful, it is ... still with you, yes...
((((HUgS))))
-Mebenji
20/08/2008 @ 18:05 harmony said

Hi and thanks UM and Mebenji. Not easy stuff to deal with.

Isn’t it strange that when you revisit things at different times your perception has altered? This time round I have a wider perspective this time and am 100% belief that I did not cause any of it to happen.

My mother has been dead for 35 years and although I’d like it to all be water under the bridge, that water is in a very slow flow.

I’ve never heard of Schadenfreude but looked it up. That brother, father of 3 adult girls who love him dearly, is now a very ill man – has had several heart attacks. Over the years I have never contacted him but I’ve had contact at some family events like funerals, 70th birthdays etc. It is never easy for me but I try to treat him with civility and respect. It is to my benefit to “forgive” him (which to me means that I stop giving myself a hard time over it, stop using up my energy on pointless anger or hate) – and I do well, I think, but the experiences still impact on me all these years later.

Mebenji – you could indeed have been one of my siblings. You have been through it all and I am sorry that you had to experience that. I always ask myself what it was I had to learn from my childhood – and although I don’t know the answer to that question (there are probably many), my experiences formed who I am and I like who I am.
Love Harmony
21/08/2008 @ 01:58 inspire said

Harmony, there is so much in your story that not only breaks my heart, but that I can relate to, but on a lesser scale. As I started reading this, I had to move rooms, so my tears weren't noticed. My heart goes out to you and what you've been put through. The more I look around me, I realize that so many have gone through the same or close to the same thing as I have. Reading this has given me a difference view of myself - one I believe I needed.
Again, sending many hugs your way.
Love, Inspire xxx
21/08/2008 @ 22:31 Brown Bear said

Just to say that I read your story with utter dismay. For me and my relatively idyllic childhood it is hard to contemplate what you went through. My thoughts are with you, hoping you have the courage to keep going and that you can put this trauma behind you. BB
25/08/2008 @ 18:41 harmony said

Hi Inspire and Bear
Thanks you for your kind words. I know it's all a bit heavy but as part of my owrk in counselling I'm looking at all the bits that formed my overall view that I am not quite as good as/ not worthy/ should be thankful for anything less than abject hardship/ need to be 'good' all the time incase someone is furious at me/ need to work to within an inch of my limit to feel I'm doing my bit/ constant anxiety about my perfomrmance in spite of all audits/ targets etc etc being consistently met to grade of outstanding. Not easy but making progress.
xx Harmony
27/08/2008 @ 12:39 Brown Bear said

Goodness Me. I suppose what's happened is that your awful childhood has caused you to make yourself perform to the utmost of your ability. Perhaps you could say 'No-one else does and it doesn't matter if I don't' or perhaps allow yourself just a wee bit of slack by saying 'I'll perform to 90% unless I have to do better occasionally'. BB
27/08/2008 @ 14:04 Mebenji said

It is not so easy as that, BB. When being perfect just might bring you up to par with mediocre - 90% effort certainly won't be enough.
It can be very hard to understand and believe you'll ever be 'good enough' for anyone, for anything, doing anything. Some people tend to give up, rather than drive themselves ragged even while thinking it won't be 'good enough'. Me, I'm the former in most things - and when I do try, I do want my efforts to be not just passable; I don't want mistakes, flaws, errors all of which I'm sure everyone else will notice and criticize and ultimately judge my effort not worth the effort...
What Harmony and many others feel is no small thing. I fear what you've suggested may give the impression that it is. Harmony's wounds are deep and long, effecting every aspect of her life. Mine to, I think - perhaps in ways I don't even recognize, just I do know what a struggle it is to even think my thoughts are worthy of expressing. I remind myself every time I write, every time I move the cursor to press 'Post comment' - really tired, I might forget to spell-check, and even that bugs me when I realize I've posted without checking. I suppose I even play a little game with myself, because my spell-checker isn't logical and doesn't ell me grammatical errors for these - so I have left words I was not absolutely certain were the correct spellings in the context; bear/bare for example, those kinds of words, or 'realize' - should I spell it 'realise' in the context here? Does it matter? No, I have to tell myself, and leave it...just leave it, deliberately so strictly speaking is that a mistake/error anymore? I would feel more comfortable if I did the spell-check though, and if I was certain of every word, if I want it even though dear spell-check doesn't recognise them.
I find I have to be methodical sometimes; think it all through when I know I'm feeling 'bad' and not up to scratch etc. That takes some effort...time...which can be hard to come by in a work environment where you may be expected to be 'on the ball' all the time...faltering may be seen as weakness, potentially the weak link in the chain, you can feel very vulnerable.
Tired as I am I will do the spell-check and post and go to bed. Good-night, sleep well and have a good day, rather a 'good enough' day...
(((Hugs)))
-Mebenji
27/08/2008 @ 14:52 harmony said

Hi
BB, my MD says the same as you - just go for Good but something in me can't do it. I'm fine about you saying that - everyone in my real life does - ny work colleagues thaing I'm one step away from being sectioned!!!!!!!!
I can make all the typos in the world and they don't matter to me at all - I am not bothered about every day non-work things. It's all the work targets that I feel I need to meet even when they seem near impossible to meet.I had an appraisal last week and from now on I have to have Wednesdays off to de-stress in the middle of the week because MD can see I push myself too far. He is delighted that for 3 years our performance and reputation has been oustanding for everything we do, but he can see he needs to help me stop it.
I think it's about feeling, secretly, not 100% worth having a good job and I feel that I need to go all out to make sure I don't give any reason to want to gt rid of me - and the only way I can do that (currently) is to go way over board on dedication and extra work to make sure all the targets are met.
I ma very lucky in having a wonderful MD - and I hope that with the current conselling I will be able to chill a bit re work and not be so obsessive atbout getting it right. I manage a training centre for unemployed young people how difficult it is to motivate and meet targets about getting jobs/qualifications etc.i wonder why I do it...but I do love it.
Love Harmony
28/08/2008 @ 20:58 Brown Bear said

Benji: I accept what you say. I think you are telling me that its more difficult than one might think to permit oneself a standard short of 'my best'.
Harmony: I'm so glad you are going to have Wednesdays off. I think you are already well on your way to dealing with your demons. That day of 'rest' will be so good as long as you allow yourself at least a part of it for your own pleasure/leisure.
I cannot do justice to either of your posts tonight. Too Tired - Too many typos. And Benji I have an earlier one to respond to, as well. xx BB
29/08/2008 @ 10:21 UMxx said

I think - just thought not knowledge is when you have been treated like crap - and feel unworthy of anything that is good - it is terribly hard to accept anything that it nice, good, rewarding. But the counterside of this is that we keep working so hard to prove that we aren't crap - and we work so much harder to prove our worth - way beyond what is expected. Of course we don't expect that others would have to achieve what we do - that is the inconsistency of not feeling worthy. We treat others with more respect than we treat ourselves.
But there is no way that I can match the thinking I do with my own valuing of me or in shifting my behaviour. Too many short straws I guess
UM xx
29/08/2008 @ 19:38 harmony said

Um I so wish I had your skill with word. You consitently say what I mean far better than I could say it myself. I may need to steal a use of that now and again because you have got it EXACTLY!! Thank you. Love Harmony
30/08/2008 @ 00:00 UMxx said

Thanks Harmony - just happy to be here - it is hard to lend an experience through words - but I can only write them - never say them lots of love back to you UM xx