I hate feleing this way. Sometimes, if people looked closely, they would find me near tears when i'm not doing anything special. When i do start to cry i stop myself because i fear i'll have a panic attack. Easter was just plain aweful. If it wasn't bad enough, i had to go home, but then we went to my grandparents home ... lovely, 3 days of continuous screaming and shouting ! On easter sunday, my dad had a huge fight with his mother, he cried, i've only seen him cry twice, my grandfather who is a self educated man was trying to calm him down (he turned 84 the next day) but in the process got really worked up and while going up a flight of stairs fell and had some sort of seizure. He was cold and was shaking really bad. My mother started crying,my dad cried more, my sister started having trouble breathing because of crying so hard. I didn't shed a tear. I helped everyone, conforted my sister, took water to my grandad and other little things. The only thing i learnt this easter is just how much i hate mealtimes. We always fight at the table (or for me here at uni, lately it's been a fight with meals). I took a good look at this family and it's true, what my father screamed so many times at me, one day i probably will have kids that hate me. It's probably true. Worse of all i fear of hurting my mother beause of my fights with my father. So i've decided to not have children even though i love kids, because i don't want to end up old and miserable or like my dad. I already knew i wouldn't marry but these holidays just made it much more clear. After coming back from the holidays (been back for 2 days) but alreay i'm far behind. I can't seem to focus. I left the theripist today. My computer is dying on me and i really need it and don't have mony for a new one. My sister just told me how wonerful her grades were this trimester ... mine are going to keep plumeting ... I sometimes wonder if this is for me, but i don't know what i would do if i left. I feel like i'm between a rock and a hard place. I hate living with my parents, i hate living at uni. I hate living but can't end it because of the few people i love. I know life isn't easy and i know i probably blow things out of proportion but i just can't deal with everything. Even small encouraging comments by my mother like at the end of her calls she says "work hard" just make me want to cry ! It's like she knows that i'm not giving 100%. I'm so unhappy and people don't notice, when they do , they ask but are satisfied by the "i'm fine, really" answer. Talking doesn't really help either (i see that now because of the theripist) i need some one to really DO something, i wish i would be whisked off to a mental insitution. Anything is better then the hell i'm going through. I'll even take the pills that supposedly make your brain turn to mush, it already feels like it doesn't work anymore so what's the difference ? At least i'd be "happy" even if it is medically induced !