Comments

• 14/05/2008 @ 17:43 007wmkt2 said

  

  Sorry guys about that first non-brick story, It's my first ever brick! I'm so rubbish and not good and learning to do new things.

  Well, I'm a person who looks normal, if not good, on the outside. I'm a UK junior doctor, am married, with a loving family and lots of friends. However, since I was 18 I keep suffering from episodes of mild to moderate depression, with intermittent periods of fatigue. When I was 18 I thought I was going crazy and ran to my GP and started on antidepressants in the hope that this awful experience would go away. after 6 months and a change from paroxetine to fluoxetine (prozac) the episode went away. I assumed it was a traumatic teething problem to do with growing up and 6 months after feeling better I gradually stopped them. However a month later I suddenly dived back into a depression, more severe than the first. I immediately felt suicidal. I managed to go with my family to visit relative in Canada over new year whilst constantly obsessing about ending my life. I cried and cried saying to my loving parents that I couldn't go back to Uni but what could they do? I went back and was properly having a breakdown, taking a paracetamol overdose before term started, and then making several attempts before taking myself to A&E and being deemed unsafe for myself by the oncall psychiatrist and admitted to the acute psychiatric ward. This was the worst point of my life. sigh... I'm tired and have got a headache so am going to bed!

• 14/05/2008 @ 20:09 zorro said

  

  Hiya 007wmkt2 (I'm going to call you BOND because that is a keyboard-full!) Welcome to Big White Wall Bond - its great to have you here. I am sorry you have been plagued with depression, I hope you find The Wall helps you - there are a lot of people here who are in a very similar boat, and even more ready to listen if you ever feel the need to talk anything through.
  I come from a family of doctors, one of whom has been on antidepressants on and off for many years. Although highly admirable, you are also in a stressful career so I do hope you keep talking to us here and perhaps we can help you to express your emotions and feelings positivly.
  Here and listening if you want to talk more
  Otherwise hope you are snoozing well :)
  ((hugs))
  Zxx

• 14/05/2008 @ 20:54 007wmkt2 said

  

  thank you zorro for your kind words. I'm really ashamed of myself; I couldn't motivate myself to get out of bed and sent my husband on his own to buy the groceries cos we've run out. I find it hard to accept that we run out of milk and things like that.

• 14/05/2008 @ 22:48 UMxx said

  

  Hey 007, I just popped in to say hello as I have read a couple of comments on TA's and you sounded like someone I wanted to connect with - and now I feel like I am reading one of my own descriptions of my mood.

  You've made a great start in this brick and talking about stuff - and you're being supportive of others on the wall - feels like you fit right in!

  Don't be ashamed of yourself. Trying to manage depression is the toughest job I have encountered yet - actually I don't think I am yet a manager of it - perhaps just a cope -r but and it is awfully lonely without understanding that we are actually part of a large community.

  I'm glad you found us. UM xxx

• 20/05/2008 @ 17:43 007wmkt2 said

  

  Hello, this morning I wanted to call in sick as I felt I couldn't face the day mentally, but I went in and it wasn't so bad. I had the day of yesterday as I was working 12 hour shifts over the weekend. I saw my psychologist yesterday who said I need to work on identifying and addressing the positive things in my life no matter how small. I was so keen to tell her all the things that were terrible in my life and then when she asked me what did I do well in the last month I was silent! today I came back to my flat (I like in hospital accommodation) and was crying... I couldn't control my emotions, I felt so low and upset and hopeless. I ate lunch and then went back. I'm ashamed of my emotional extremes. It's not really something you say to other people. I often feel empty, like I perceive everything in life as one performance or achievement after another and don't really understand what it means to chat to people or connect with people. I often just feel lost within myself. I am so comparative to other people. If anyone says something they did, and I haven't done that same thing so well, then I feel bad about myself which is so stupid, but I do!

• 20/05/2008 @ 17:45 007wmkt2 said

  

  It's not very helpful that sometimes I get depressed about being depressed! I get upset that I can't seem to enjoy the good things in life. I know objectively my life isn't bad and I don't have anything more to complain about that other people, and I know so many people have such big multifaceted problems, and yet I'm stuck.

• 20/05/2008 @ 18:38 UMxx said

  

  Hey 007, Sounds like you understand rationally what is going on and yet you still feel low - I describe that like feeling I have two lives that don't really connect - one which knows reality and the other that is all emotional - and I can't connect the two. Sometimes I seem to fall between the two lines - like a train track.

  I find it hard not to feel worse when I know that my mood is plummeting - I have now got lists that I have made of good things and people I love and I make sure that I read these to keep a focus on not getting thoroughly catastrophic about everything. I also have to be really firm with myself about not comparing myself to others and feeling inadequate or embarrassed about how I feel.

  I think the best advice I ever got here on the Wall was to find a way to just feel what I feel. It's sounds easy but it's not - it's hard and painful not to mention absolutely scary.

  
  In my experience, this is a safe place and what ever you want to pour into Wall will find someone listening and offering support. Be nice to yourself as you go through this.

  I have spent loads of time with a doona just because it made me feel better - soothed - safe. Sometimes it is the little comforts that can help.. Thinking or you and here for you if your need a pair of ears UM x

• 31/05/2008 @ 19:35 007wmkt2 said

  

  what's a doona? Anyway, I seem to have difficulties dealing with true problems. I keep obsessing about my depression and the fact I have it. Keep ruminating on it. I know it's not helpful but I don't seem to be able to get my mind off it. It's like my mind can't accept that I have a problem/imperfection and keeps trying to focus on it to try and solve it. But it won't ever be solved. I told another close friend yesterday that I have depression and she didn't even realise! I can't believe how there can be all this inner turmoil and people can't notice! Sometimes I just want a brain transplant. I need to learn to grow up and accept reality rather than collapsing under the strain of it. I know objectively that my life is good/normal, but inside I have such mental turmoil. If you have a mental problem, are you basically f#cked and just have to struggle with it? I find that difficult to accept. Things just feel so inherently wrong inside. Why do I think I have a right for everything to be just as I like, all perfect and sorted? I seem to be a rigid thing that can't adapt to the sways and changes in life. I'm stuck inside my own head. :(

• 01/06/2008 @ 02:21 UMxx said

  

  Hey 007,

  I just wrote a long reply but I got an error when I sent it - so have sent it in a pm to you. UM xx

• 08/06/2008 @ 20:44 007wmkt2 said

  

  I seem to feel guilty and hopeless a lot of the time when there's no reason for it. I feel so bad and ashamed of who I am. My life is good and objectively I have so much. Why can't I be happy and thankful and grateful? I went to church and felt tense throughout. I told the youth group leaders that I was feeling down and didn't stay for the youth group afterwards which I'm meant to be helping out in. I felt guilty and like a failure afterwards. I also comfort ate a lot of stuff today: white chocolate, crisps, yoghurt, 2 choc eclairs, soup. I just feel hopeless, like I've lost it and there's no point carrying on. Right now I'm just on the computer whilst my husband is cooking dinner silently. I feel so bad for him - he never complains but it must be hard for him to see me crying and stuff. I've got to go to work tomorrow. I dread everything, even when there isn't a specific problem. I don't seem to be able to get my mind off the fact that I'm depressed and worried and guilty and hopeless. I just feel so stuck.

• 08/06/2008 @ 23:34 UMxx said

  

  Dear 007,

  Are you able to be open with your husband about how you feel - or is he uncertain but still being supportive?

  I think it is hard to shift away from the preoocupation with depression until we get a sense of what is possible. While we keep coping without that sense of the future it is pretty understandable that you will turn to your old comforts. That will change when you don't need to be comforted for feeling low, guilty and like a failure.

  There is a point in continuing - but it might just be hard to find it by yourself with out some professional assistance. Maybe the ways that you have used up until now are no longer enough and need to be reviewed for this time. Take care UM xxx

• 20/06/2008 @ 21:11 007wmkt2 said

  

  Hello, it's not nice feeling low and upset all the time. I'm not very good at continuing with this feeling. I don't know how to accept my weaknesses.

• 06/07/2008 @ 21:54 007wmkt2 said

  

  Hello, I don't expect anyone to read this as it's just me ranting about myself. I feel completely stuck. I don't think I can take this anymore. I often feel very frustrated and desperate. I'm so tired of feeling guilty all the time, and feeling bad for everything. Just watched th wimbledon final - those men have such mental strength and positivity in adversity, exactly the opposite of what I have. I feel like a freak, like I have this mental weakness and can't pick myself up. I spent the weekend with some colleagues going to a ball and then a wedding. My mood doesn't pick up inspite of doing these supposed fun things. Being around people in my situation I can see how other people aren't depressed. Other people seem to laugh and smile a lot even though their lives aren't perfect and they've been doing similar things to me. I can see how this depression inside is an extra thing that other people I work with don't have. I feel like such a freak as my parents have given me so much in my life and I've failed by becoming mentally weak and not being able to cope with very much. I think it's a matter of time before I have to give up my job. I don't think I can go on like this. There is nothing to legitimise my internal suffering as there's no tangible problem and it's been going on for so long.

• 06/07/2008 @ 22:07 younger said

  

  Hello 007wmkt2. Can you start TA? there are so many people who can help you and I think you are right, you many not get seen here. Can you start a Talkabout about how you feel and others will help you see a way forward. I would hate for no one to see you. ((Big hug)).

• 07/07/2008 @ 03:49 UMxx said

  

  Good job Younger - 007 I am glad you started the TA.

  Don't feel like a freak - I've been the and done that and it is a long and awful conversation. The truth is when we are depressed it's just an awful place. You have not failed because you are still trying - it just isn't an easy linear journey. And for all the years I would spend making comparisons with others because I though tthey were so much stronger - ha - we all wear masks and now I know that you can't compare the outsides of others to the insides of ourselves. Everyone has there different masks. It is more important that you can get on with yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin. Always around if you want to PM a rant -- especially if you just want someone to listen.

  UM xx

• 13/07/2008 @ 23:08 007wmkt2 said

  

  thank you all for your input. I feel so ashamed of myself as I've been crying a lot lately. I seem to always be crying. In January I committed to helping in my church youth group but last week I told them I was sick. This week I struggled to get to church, feeling guilty etc, and then I ended up going to one of the other leaders crying and saying I was unwell and apologising. I just couldn't help the tears. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of my lack of control of crying, but I really couldn't help it!

• 13/07/2008 @ 23:42 UMxx said

  

  Dear 007,
  It is truly awful to feel sad all of the time. Please though try to just be comfortable with the crying and tears - to be embarassed and ashamed of crying will not help you to feel better about your self - just another reason to be disappointed - and yet it is such an obvious thing to do when you are really sad.

  You are hurting 007 You sound very low and in pain and although you say there is no tangible problem - it feels like this is more of a tough love comment to yourself than an acceptance of it being okay that you are unhappy and need support.

  I read that you are working with a psych - is it a good match? Feeling depressed is just crap and I don't know whether you are taking medication and if you are able to in your current job but I am feeling that whatever the current plan is, it is not meeting your needs for support.

  Thinking of you and sending you big warm wishes.
  UM xx