out of the maze

UMxx

Brick created on 22/07/2008 @ 09:53

Your brick story

I don't know where this came from - it came from a feeling. The feeling was that I was all wrong and lost in the way I was trying to find myself. I hated myself more the harder I tried to understand depression - there were so many bends and blind corners and dead ends. It was a fruitless journey.

The last place I ever thought of looking was inside of me to try to understand my depression. It may not make me understand depression but someone needs to be an expert on my depression and it may as well be me. I had kept myself busy being distracted by looking in all of the wrong places - reading what experts had to say - but no one who knew me. And the biggest joke was that I was working with a therapist who all the time was trying to help me understand me and yet I kept missing the point - I didn't understand the connection.

So now in starting this new way, wish me luck - I don't know if I have found the way to understand me but I know that I won't understand depression as a separate thing.

I should feel happy perhaps or excited but no - I am not - I am just going to give it a go without holding huge expectations - knowing that this journey may well present me with more pain on the way to understanding. I can't really get excited about that.

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Comments

22/07/2008 @ 10:56 MeerCat said

Hi Um
This looks like a very important and insightful brick. I was very struck by what you said about keeping yourself busy and being distracted by looking in all of the wrong places. I think we can all spend a lot of time doing that. I hope that this new approach is fruitful for you and send you warmest wishes to help you along the way.
Meercat xx
22/07/2008 @ 11:46 roze said

With you all the way UM. Love roze
23/07/2008 @ 06:15 cate said

The journey toward understanding has no end . Pain and Happiness are our faithful companions so be patient and kind to yourself UM . Love and hugs, Cate
23/07/2008 @ 12:01 Jomo said

You say, "Wish me luck" - and I do, but you won't need luck, because you are working - still, if luck can be directed to you - then here goes - a huge dollop of luck, just for you.
23/07/2008 @ 17:55 harmony said

Hi UM
Don't ask me how I know this, but I know that everything we need is within ourselves, and within oursleves is the single most important 'place' to go to look at ourselves. We need people at parts of our journey to sometimes guide us into the nooks and crannies and also to bear witness and help make us strong at the very difficul bits.
I remember reading something you wrote to Inspire about counselliing being a service and the coussellor's attributes not mattering much(I think that was the general gist of it and forgive me if that wasn't the case)
I hope you have someone who is warm and open to be moved by your journey and I hope they will be able to mirror back to you your beautiful soul and loving spirit. Enjoy finding the treasures - the painful bits are just obstacles for you to negotiate a way beyond to reach your inviolate core.
Love, Harmony
23/07/2008 @ 23:46 UMxx said

Thank you Harmony, I am with you and now understand that what I need is within and that occassionally we need to look beyond ourselves to be able to find that part of our ownselves - friends and even strangers can help us. Because I refuse to assimilate into the city culture here in Sydney, I hang onto my habit of nodding and acknowledging people who pass me in the street. Yesterday was a bit of a trial for me and yet it was a stranger who let me see a bit more of me. An older woman who I see on the street when I am walking back from school after dropping the kids. She stopped and told me that day to day I am the only person who speaks to her without her starting the conversation. she is lonely. So in spite the day was a struggle at least I felt a bit like I was doing something good in the world.
I have a great shrink - she is along for the journey - I am very lucky with her - and here
love UM xx
24/07/2008 @ 10:38 Mebenji said

:) Oh forgive me UM - I was just looking at your maze up there and I can't find a way through it from one side to the other, or from one corner to antoher, without going off the map!
Cheers, to a fruitful journey ahead! Don't forget to pack for both sun and rain, and take a spare pair of Crocs.
(((Hugs))) -Mebenji
24/07/2008 @ 12:10 UMxx said

Is it now that I confess that I intentionally edited the maze so that there was not a path through to emphasise my point - but then thought what an absolutely anal thing to do because no one would bother trying to do the maze on the brick .
Ahem!
love UM xxx
24/07/2008 @ 12:30 Mebenji said

Does that mean I am more anal than you?
What kind of anal competition is that?!!!
24/07/2008 @ 12:34 UMxx said

Oh I didn't want it to be a competition at all - I just got cross at myself for wasting time in order to make a point that this was a fruitless exercise in trying to solve a problem - otherwise I might have been inclined to continue with the practice of working through the maze if I thought it was possible to get through life that way. Do you want the links to the maze?
UMx
25/07/2008 @ 03:18 Mebenji said

No, I just feel a bit off anyway, looking for my own way??? maybe???
(& I had an 'orrible idea about how anal competitions might be judged!! EEW-eeek, let's not go there!! - trouble is by the time I say that, I alredy did!)
-Mebenji trying to smile if only for a few seconds at a time - while I wrote that there, how, and yesterday's bit...in between bits I'm struggling to keep my head up, UM, in spite of the piano...
25/10/2008 @ 07:33 lalaria said

hedo UM =)
./agrees
the way we feel and see thigs is just another part of us.
in a strange way depression brings me hapiness - or comfort rather. a strange sensation of when feeling void you kinda feel complete ... i dunno ... i dont think my words are making sense, but i suppose of you feel similarly you would get what i meant.
25/10/2008 @ 07:35 lalaria said

* see things
and i see a few other typos sorry =O