Comments

• 20/05/2008 @ 06:18 thorn said

  

  I don't know if it's hormones or stress, but I just want to give up and have the emotions stop.

  Numbness would be nice.

  The man who broke my heart contacted me tonight and he was soothing and gentle and I fell in love with the bastard all over again.

  Why is he is still the only one who can calm me down when I am like this?

  Why is it when he talks to me all I want to do is curl into a ball and listen to his voice?

  My breathing slows.

  My heartbeat slows.

  I totally relax.

  I don't want to love him.

  My life would be so much easier if I didn't love him.

  I was almost there too.

• 20/05/2008 @ 11:28 UMxx said

  

  Dear Thorn, I'm starting to believe it doesn't really matter why we feel the way we do - we just do. And like you I don't yet know how to be comfortable with emotions clashing and crashing inside. Take it easy UM x

• 21/05/2008 @ 05:48 thorn said

  

  Thank you UM. I usually try to 'go with the flow' of my emotions, but they are all over the board lately: laughing one minute, yelling the next with crying interspersed.

  I think it's a combination of stress from my love's illness and stress from the up-coming visit to my family and hormones.

  One of the boys 'the-man-who-broke-my-heart' mentored last year is the summer help at work, so there is much talk about my former love. And they (my co-workers) don't know the true extent of my relationship, so they don't understand why I get grumpy and/or weepy.

  
  And somebody, I'm not sure who, contacted him because I'm acting 'erratic' and my former love is still the only one who can reach me at times.

  
  And I'm exhausted and back slid and I'm only remembering the good things, not the bad.

  I feel pathetic, which makes the whole cycle start again. :-)

• 21/05/2008 @ 06:04 UMxx said

  

  I don't know why you feel pathetic - this was a tough time for you - I know that just by the stuff you wrote. I don't think it is so easy to just move on - I think these feelings remain for such a long time.

  Maybe it is a blessing in a way that someone can reach you - I understand that it is a challenge about not wanting all of the stuff about him and feeling heart broken, but on balance I think I am feeling relieved that you have this kind of support at this time. What's hard is that it can't be an all or nothing situation - that is just like me - I want it all or nothing - so often I settle for nothing.

  Whoever that somebody was - they sure know you well - certainly picked the person who could get through to you.

  Don't be feeling so tough on your self - life is dealing you enough at the moment - it doesn't need any extra help. Be nice to yourself and keep breathing! UM xx

• 23/05/2008 @ 13:22 thorn said

  

  I feel pathetic because all he would have to do is ask and I would go back to him. He won't, and I know that, but there is a part of me who longs for him to.

  
  I am a totally different person with him, and I like the person I am when I'm with him.

  I miss being the person I am with him.

  Usually I'm the strong one and he lets me be weak.

  The worst part of the whole thing is the summer help. He has something in common with me and he naturally wants to discuss it, and I have to be so careful because I don't want to say anything that would hurt him or change his opinion of a man who is important to him.

• 23/05/2008 @ 23:12 UMxx said

  

  Poor Thorn this is an awful bind. I wonder what he brings out of you that you like to be so much. i don't think someone can make you be a person you aren't - so the things that you miss in being that person you are when you are with him are always within you.

  Take care now thorn - thinking of you UM xx