The only way that I can explain the sum total of how I feel is like being held under a huge wash of water - dumped by a big wave and thrown onto the bottom of the sea bed, pinned under by the force of a water fall, pulled into a rip, sucked by flood waters.

It's the only thing that comes close to not being sure which way is up, feeling too weak for the strength of the flow, wondering if I will make it to the surface again.

It's kind of the same place of pain too - feels like my chest is going to burst - not the same pain not the feeling of heaviness - the dragging sense of pain around my heart.

And the fear is similar - not quite sure and certain but trying so hard to get up.

I am a good swimmer but it is an old fear and it matches this new place I am in.