Comments

• 02/05/2008 @ 10:29 UMxx said

  

  Oh dear d, It sounds like this person couldn't handle the truth. Not all friends will let you down - I am sorry that this friend couldn't find a way to support you. Don't give up on all your friends though. Take care

  UM

• 02/05/2008 @ 22:06 Disillusioned said

  

  I'm not sure i have friends to give up on.

• 02/05/2008 @ 22:50 UMxx said

  

  Well I can listen if you want - or you can talk about it generally in a TA. there are lots of good people here who are generous with their support and won't be judgemental. Those friends are out there - more importantly don't give up on yourself. UM x

• 03/05/2008 @ 16:51 Disillusioned said

  

  We had something good going till he realised he knew me in another role. While I accept (to some extent) his reasons, I really miss the connection we had when I was anonymous.

• 03/05/2008 @ 20:43 roze said

  

  Yet you are a whole and visible person - and i read the word abandonment in your tags and wonder when your sense of abandonment began? Hugs roze

• 04/05/2008 @ 12:42 Disillusioned said

  

  Abandonment began in childhood with the constant threat of my mother leaving home - and before that and during it with her emotional withdrawal from me. Other episodes reinforced this, but my parents' conditional approval is at the root of it I suppose.

• 04/05/2008 @ 13:29 UMxx said

  

  Why was your mother threatening to leave - was it an unhappy marriage that you were born into?

  It seems a cruel threat to allow a child to hear... what do you say to yourself now when you start thinking about this? UMx

• 04/05/2008 @ 19:06 Disillusioned said

  

  Oh yes, an unhappy marriage. I was one of the causes of it. My mother was disowned by her parents when she was pregnant with me (even though my parents were married at the time). I stopped her from leaving - at least once physically, by blocking the door. to be fair, she must have been difficult for my father to live with, because of her own insecurities.

• 04/05/2008 @ 23:03 UMxx said

  

  Yes - it must have been difficult for her - and for your father - and it is still difficult for you - we are part of the continuum of emotion that we grew up with. Are your parents still alive? (Mine are not and it closes so many doors) In experiencing those feelings of abandonment now - have you a relationship that makes you frightened of someone leaving you now?

• 05/05/2008 @ 11:19 roze said

  

  Hm i can relate to a fear of abandonment from the other angle. My parents (also both dead now) stayed together but were not at all together. I feel that gave me a fear of committing to someone - and so left all relationships - like my life has been a constant rehearsal of what i felt my parents never did. Are you very close to you mother? Hugs roze

• 05/05/2008 @ 13:35 Disillusioned said

  

  Unionmaid - I am constantly afraid of those close to me leaving me. there are several very current ones - one with my therapist (our sessions will end in the next few months, and last time I ended therapy everything went really badly, so I am very afraid of this).
  Roze, thank you. NO, I am not at all close to either of my parents, though they might think our relationship is strong. I keep it distant.

• 05/05/2008 @ 15:54 roze said

  

  D - does your therapy have to come to a close - is this your choice? I am wondering if you were an only child or whether you have siblings that you can talk with about those times? Hugs roze

• 05/05/2008 @ 17:05 Disillusioned said

  

  Hi Roze
  No, I have no choice in this, nor had I the previous time. It's NHS and the number of sessions is limited.
  I have one brother but can't really talk to him, certainly not about the past. Besides, I protected him from most of that. Not sure how successfully, but I tried to be a filter.

• 05/05/2008 @ 18:25 roze said

  

  Ah i see - that is a tough one - that is the difficulty with the NHS sessions - they are fixed by budget and not by need. If it helps we are not time limited and so look forward to talking with you a lot here.

  I am sure you protected your brother well - i guess he is younger? So very hard to feel quite alone with those memories. I feel for you. I wonder what coping strategies you adopted as a child and how these have played out subsequently?

• 05/05/2008 @ 23:07 UMxx said

  

  Just an idea D, do you feel comfortable in working with your therapist to make a plan to use the Wall (or something else that might be an outlet) so that when the sessions come to an end you have a sense of a safety net.

  It took me a couple of months to tell my therapsit about the Wall - I wanted it to be private - and once I did we agreed that the Wall was a good "learning place: for me. so the wall has become part of my bigger plan.

  so just an idea - and yes we are here and listening - and reading that poem!

• 07/05/2008 @ 20:37 Disillusioned said

  

  Roze, unionmaid, am scared here. feel like I am being too open.
  relationships are so frightening - they end.
  Is it better not to enter into them at all.

  Am in a difficult place tonight. Sorry.

• 07/05/2008 @ 20:42 roze said

  

  Do not be sorry. We all get into difficult places - and that is scary. You must decide your own level of openness. Just to let you know that i am not going anywhere - so here whenever you feel like talking about tonight's difficult place or anything else you choose. Hugs roze

• 07/05/2008 @ 22:05 UMxx said

  

  I've had the same advice from Roze before D, I am much newer here and that advice and offer of support has really given me so much strength. It's awful to feel in those scary places - but just know that you are not alone and there is support and caring for you. with love UM x

• 08/05/2008 @ 19:10 Disillusioned said

  

  Thank you both.
  I appreciate the care and concern.