this little life

Mebenji

Brick created on 02/06/2008 @ 13:13

Your brick story

My heart breaks for Wolfie and family and new born and I don't really understand why. I don't know these people. I am barely more than acquainted with Wolfie. I feel so helpless, so confused about why I feel so deeply, I cry and cry, (& not just for Wolfie's nephew either). I've been feeling on the verge of losing people I don't even know. I feel I am grieving for a little life which isn't lost - but damaged even before it has begun. This little life is so fragile, yet hanging on, and how MUCH we want to have it hang on and I can't help but wonder why? I keep having this terrible ambivalent feeling of everyone feeling so real and unreal at the same time - so alive and not, so here and not. My thoughts and feelings seem so strong, yet when I come to write them, they are suddenly slippery and elusive. I dread posting this because I won't be understood, I want to beg that this little life be well, healthy, not suffering, not in pain, not damaged or please let go, sweetheart. The world is not fair, life is not fair, but just like a human, I want everything to always turn out right, fair and just. But don't stay for my sake - that would be equally unfair.

I have not right to ask anyone to stay for me, so I won't. Still, I don't want to lose anyone to depression. I don't want to lose Inspire to leave because of her need for independence and personal growth. I don't want to lose Flitterbug to her illness. I don't want to lose anyone to alcohol or other drug dependence/addictions. I don't want to lose people just because they change, and don't need us anymore. I don't want to lose anyone, even if I am barely acquainted with them.

I don't know why this feeling, this unbelievably intense fear of abandonment (that's what DrAC will call it) has flared up like this. I feel I ought to unplug my computer, cover it up as well - but I can't. First thing I do is check for messages, seek out people I haven't seen posts from for a while - I can't check everyone in one day though, especially lately with so much going on, so much crying i can't stand it.
Yet I'm afraid of what I will see, of what I won't see as well. I keep thinking I shouldn't be doing this. It was never supposed to be like this. How did this happen? How can I stop without it seeming very cruel to anyone who might care, or to myself. It feels like pulling the plug on myself.

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Comments

02/06/2008 @ 15:37 UMxx said

Dear Mebenji,
Why do you fear that we will abandon you? And why do you have such fear that we will lose people? This is a good safe place - do you think it comes from realising your connection to others through here and it is a bit of different experience?
Well sister I ain't goin nowhere and as you say we are in this one together. Think of all the great people we have met on this site - just because we listened to a radio show - how cool is that! Not goin anywhere - got it?
UM xx
02/06/2008 @ 16:17 Mebenji said

It is a scary fear I've had sometimes, different times and different peop;e. People who have left me or I have had to leave. Isuppose ti goes right back to my mother. Idon't know why it has to get so bad! So certain it is like you are gone before you go. This is why I don't want intimate relationships anymore. I get hurt when I'm in them then I hurt again when I lose them - even those that were abusive! Can you think of anything more stupid? More self-abuse, I reckon that's what it is.
Thanks for being here, UM. I really don't want to 'kill you off' in my mind. I hope you are not spending so much time in the caravan - can't be very warm in there this time of year.
02/06/2008 @ 21:21 inspire said

The more bricks and TA's I read from you, the more I find things we have in common, even if they are small and secretly not quite the same. I will absolutely say that I am not going anywhere ... I like having you and others around. I like throwing my feelings out there, getting words for emotions. Like you, I fear abandonment to the core of my being - I have days that I just can't focus on anything else ... and like you, I absolutely believe it goes back to my mother. I have much more to say, but will send that in a PM to you ... I'm sending you many reassuring hugs and lots of love ... I am not going anywhere - it's a fact!
Inspire xx
02/06/2008 @ 22:14 UMxx said

Oh to be sure we have a community here of women who have a sadness about the role their mother played in their lives. I have been down in the caravan a lot - no it is warm - and although I feel lost as a daughter - I actually am not a bad mother myself. I am just lucky to be able to see that balance.
United we stand!
UM xx
03/06/2008 @ 09:45 Mebenji said

You, you, wonderful people! You got me crying again.

I can see the balance too, UM. out there. I'v met people who are wonderful Mums, an some not so. I think that's part of the problem - you are not all the same as mine. You don't all relinguish the care of your children to their father, or adoption/foster care for unfathomable reasons. And when you do make contact again, you don't reject them again.

Some people here I think of a 'Miracle Mums' - I think I have to put you there, UM, and Roze. But this should be the norm, not the exception. Or maybe it is - & I just can't imagine it being so.

Now I co want to give you, Inspire and UM, (& Roze, & others as they come to mind)
(((((((Hugsalot))))))! -Mebenji
03/06/2008 @ 11:10 UMxx said

I hope that you are doing special exercises to strengthen your trapedzoid - I fear all of these hugs will cause some strain on your back - you'd have to stretch a long way to get all the way around me!..
I reckon that you should listen to some music that really sets you off and just let it go sister.
Take care now love UM.