Comments

• 05/06/2008 @ 03:43 Mebenji said

  

  I think, though I might change my mind several times in the meanwhile, I need to be with a new Therapist/Psychiatrist withing 5 years. I am no getting anywhere with this one, or he's not getting anywhere with me. either way....

• 05/06/2008 @ 07:47 UMxx said

  

  Maybe it is as simple as it is the wrong question for you - it isn't what you care about. Doesn't sound like this is a working relationship - if you could ask Dr AC a question what would it be?

  UM xx

• 05/06/2008 @ 13:21 cate said

  

  When the patient is smarter than the Dr. there is bound to be a problem. Is this the case for you Mebenji? Trust your instincts . It could be time to move on. UM's suggestion is a good one . Throw some curly ones back. Where does Dr AC see him/herself in 5 years ? ( (((hugs ))))
  Cate xx

• 06/06/2008 @ 03:50 inspire said

  

  Oh I agree with all of the above commentors - it might not be a good fit with the two of you in therapy. I'm sending many hugs your way this evening (well, my evening anyway!)
  Inspire xx

• 06/06/2008 @ 08:43 UMxx said

  

  I should have mentioned that I thought that my Catherine and I were getting stuck at one point so I decided that we would have a joint performance review - she coped well and we changed our approach to a few things and it really improved for both of us. Could DRACular cope with this?

  UMxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

• 07/06/2008 @ 19:37 Mebenji said

  

  I don't know how to do a performance review. I would like to ask him what he would do in my shoes - given the 'working' relationship we have. I desperately would like him to try something different, do something we haven't done, even if he could rephrase questions sometimes - I might hear them differently, you know. Don't keep playing the same record (cds for all those really young people who don't know what vinyl records used to be). I think that is one thing that bugs me a lot - how he keeps going over and over the same things, as if he is just trying to wear me down, and if I simply give in and say "Yes Doctor", "No, Doctor" he feel he's done his job. There are many things he knows because I have told him - he says back to me even and then proposes (like with the ongoing thing about relationships) that I just go out and meet people more, take chances, risks etc as if I never did tell him what it would mean for me if I failed, if I found myself in another abusive relationship, etc., even though he has acknowledged I am terrified. It is much too hard. I feel like those kinds of relationships kill some more of me each time. I don't think I get any of those parts of me back. I am tired. I told him, I want no more intimate relationships.

  
  (Yeah, I am tired, actually, gotta go back to bed again soon. Little hungry again too.)

  -Mebenji
  

• 07/06/2008 @ 20:02 UMxx said

  

  It just doesn't sound like he is clued into you - he has set his own course and is taking you with him rather than taking the journey with you. Is there any way you can get reallocated to another in the public system?

  I think what you've written above would make a good basis for a conversation with him to see if he thinks that he is working with you in the way that you need.

  I guess what I meant is a conversation about how you think that you are responding to him - much in the way you have outlined above - "I feel that you just say the same things over and over and don't listen to what I am saying it is just a play back" and then if you want ask him how he sees you and where you are at. I'll think about it and send you a pm.

  You don't need too many more DRAC attacks like this - are you sure though that this isn't part of being on a critical juncture and you aren't certain enough of him to proceed - you seem to be sounding raw like you have been into some seriously peeling of layers of late, Just wondering,,,

  UN xxx with really big hugs from sydney to brisbane

• 07/06/2008 @ 20:30 Mebenji said

  

  He thinks I am worse is some ways, mostly that I am more withdrawn, isolating myself, more avoiding than 'getting out there'. But still carries on as usual... I have tried. Like I have written, I don't think I ever manage to say one hundredth of what I am able to write.

  (I'm always surprised when my spell-check says I have no mistakes!) (Ooops, I said I was going to bed again soon nearly an hour ago!)

  Thanks UM - caught me out this time!

• 09/06/2008 @ 12:01 cate said

  

  Just wondering if you are on first name basis? If not you could invite him to do so and ask if he would mind if you addressed him accordingly.This Dr. business can put barriers up - mind some prefer barriers.
  Be bold and ask the fellow to rephrase questions Mebenji. I wonder a bit about this guy. I wonder how effective he is being. Take care and lots of hugs Cate xxx

• 09/06/2008 @ 15:42 Mebenji said

  

  Hi Cate,

  
  I don't call him anything to his face. 'DrAC' is a private nickname I gave him - pronounced 'drak'. Mostly because in the first instance, when my first Psychiatrist handed me over to him and left for Sydney, I was REALLY CRANKY!!! & then when I met this new Psychiatrist, it was an overcast day, not really dismal, but enough to make his room look dim. It was upon first impression, it was like a darkly lit old movie, like a horror movie, or that was how I was feeling. I didn't want to like him. It has taken a long time to not HATE him let alone think that sometimes I like him, as a person I think more than as a Psychiatrist.

  
  (Didn't I write this somewhere?) ......

• 09/06/2008 @ 15:43 Mebenji said

  

  (here we go again).......

  
  I wanted someone more like the guy who went to Sydney (& incidentally I never used his name either. Eventually I came up with a nick-name for him too, early one morning while writing about feelings, memories and such, and how I feel he just sits there and I feel I can - somewhat - pass these thoughts, some of the feelings and memories over to him and he just soaks 'em up, like a sponge. So, he became 'Sponge' to me. Not to his face though, I did eventually tell him about it. It is something I do to maintain distance, I guess. Turned out very convenient when he went to Sydney I felt I would have to 'Expunge' him! hahaha!

  
  My initial thought was that we weren't going to mesh - but maybe that was because I was so openly resistant to accepting him. That's what I thought. I think he did too. I did try to find another person. A very disappointing exercise because I do have such a limited income. It's like, whether you go public or private, it is a lucky dip. There is no way of knowing how well you will relate to each other until you try, then, how long do you try? I am so unsure of my own feelings, impressions, instincts, etc - I did let it go on, and on like it has. Thinking since I can't trust myself, I must trust him. But more and more, I am thinking my initial thoughts were right - is it too late? Do you fancy going back and starting all over with someone else something like twelve and a half years into this one attempt? It's been so long - that's why I think it is too late to fix this therapeutic relationship. How do you both change what you've been doing for so long?

  
  I KNOW I am not so flexible or adaptable.

  
  He's like a Pitt-bull with a ....so am I...I feel sick either way.

  
  -Mebenji

• 10/06/2008 @ 14:28 UMxx said

  

  Hey benj,
  I think you have written that you feel really uncomfortable when he goes away - is that right. You sound like you don't think much of him. Would you ever recommend him to someone who needed a therapist?

  I guess there are levels in your conversation about him and I am being nosey - but .... UM xxxxxxx

• 10/06/2008 @ 16:34 Mebenji said

  

  OH, bloody hell, UM - There's things I don't like about him, or it is an ill fit. Maybe others like him just fine, and he is able to help them. Just not me.

  & the thing with his holidays is perhaps more about that deeper fear of losing people, people leaving, abandonment stuff. Which is the only time I really feel alone or lonely. Other times it is alright.

  Don't worry about being nosey - helps me think through this stuff. The clearer it is in my mind, the closer I get to actually saying it to him (maybe, just maybe).

  Sometimes I think I have determination and clarity enough to be able to, but I get in there, and can't. It's like my mind freezes out the words - I don't even know what I was thinking was truly mine, me my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it all seems like the days leading up were full of ridiculous thoughts, unreal, exaggerated and foolish thoughts - it's embarrassing so I don't want to admit them.

  
  He knows I struggle to get words out in spoken form - but doesn't help me in the moment, when I need it.

  
  I feel like he will ignore everything here. That's what (I think) will do it for me. Or some tiny bit, like that one question I ask myself on my "Hey DrAC" brick, about what will move me to do what I know I need to do. That's all he go out of that one.

  We'll see.
  

• 12/06/2008 @ 12:15 UMxx said

  

  So you wouldn't recommend him? Just being pointed.... UM xx

• 12/06/2008 @ 15:54 Mebenji said

  

  OW!:( Stop digging me in the ribs! (ha ha)

  Put it his way, I wouldn't recommend him to anyone as unsure of themselves as I am, ans unassertive as I am, as easily indecisive as I am, lacking as much confidence as I do, & besides, (I think maybe) he is more interested in treating people who have eating disorders.

  Do you know someone in Brisbane who is lookiing for someone? Very generously he agreed to not charge above the Medicare Schedule Fee (MSF) to me. That was right back at the start, so now I am the only one he charges in this way. (He could have, at any time, said he could no longer do that, and charge me above the MSF, but hasn't. Hell, I'm not bringing that up! I know it is rare to find any Psychiatrist in Private practice who does charge no more than the MSF.

  
  He also, like many (maybe all) has no vacancies. A new patent might wait months.

  -Mebenji

• 13/06/2008 @ 08:48 UMxx said

  

  So I was nearly going to suggest if he wasn't going to be good enough for you to recommend to others - then perhaps he is not good enough for you. But yes the man has something going for him if he doesn't want to pay off his yacht with your money.

  DRACular has what attraction for you other than longevity?

• 13/06/2008 @ 10:41 Mebenji said

  

  I want someone else to take over this interveiw!

• 13/06/2008 @ 12:52 UMxx said

  

  Who would you like? DRAC?

  I don't mean to prod you Just wondering what you know you know and whether you know more than you are able to acknowledge that you know. lots of love
  UM xx

• 13/06/2008 @ 14:29 Mebenji said

  

  I'm afraid- he's sometimes spot on. I did actually ask him, (don't think it was for the first time) and he actually answered saying he says he wouldn't have a problem with our ending therapy, IF (a big IF) he didn't think it would just be another step further into isolating myself. If i had some very close friends I was eager to be with (he doesn't give full credit to BWW - it's something, just not enough).

  
  I haven't really got enough out of him on that topic. hum-haing, some people he finds at first don't think they are going to have a good therapeutic relationship with, then couple years down the track it is good, others he's seen he has thought were working well & one day they up and say they are leaving because they weren't so comfortable after all - & he's been okay with that because he knew they had people in their lives. I pointed out that we've had 12 odd years to know if we would or not be a good fit but it was my own problems with trust, myself, people - him that's kept me going there. & he's become familiar.

  
  ...Ooopses again....more follows.....

  
  

• 13/06/2008 @ 14:31 Mebenji said

  

  .....
  Some one's got to be "IT" - told him that long ago. I feared he would become "IT", & he is. I don't know exactly when or how - just that years ago one of his holidays confirmed it was so. I hate it. Hate feeling attachment to a person, in the relationship I am in with him, I don't like all that much. If somehow we'd become friends - not Dr/patient at all, him being A Psychiatrist, me just me, I could have liked him even though he is into football (can't remember which code. I get confused about which code anyone refers to when talking about it.) He is really an ordinary bloke. Smart, more educated than many, well read, got a bigger vocabulary than me - more than you too I think. He likes curries, nuts, apples, coffee (lots of coffee) dresses fairly conservatively for work, slacks, shirt, no tie, polished shoes. He said once he divides his closet into basic units, brown, blue, green, black/grey. Short hair he complains is thinning, especially when I complain about mine and tell him if he had a pair of sissors there, I'd cut it off right there in his room. He doesn't like paper work, or going to the dentist, or all the phone calls it takes to get a bed for someone.

  .....again.....
  

• 13/06/2008 @ 14:32 Mebenji said

  

  .....

  So there, see, he's an ordinary man, who won't touch me. I have wished he was more like Inspire's therapist, and would hug me, or hold my hands even - but that would make US so much more difficult too. So I am also glad he won't. But it makes me wonder if he is afraid of me too, like I am afraid of him.

  
  UuuMMm!! I wanted to have fun tonight, and not get into this, here. Bugger. I'll be logged out by now too. I'm tired and I don't want to be awake all night tonight, again. I finally went to the Chemist late this afternoon. (only because tomorrow its Saturday, and I've neglected it for quite long enough - & I made an appointed to see the GP next Wednesday, so I won't miss it, I mean, I won't not go to see my Psychiatrist, so I will have to be up, dressed & out of here anyway - the bus would have to break down & me be unable to get a taxi the rest of the way. Lately, if I make it another day, I'm just as likely to not get up & go, or be late, something - if the weather is rotten again, I might cancel again. But not for DrAC. That's how it is.

  (((Hugs))) -Mebenji

• 13/06/2008 @ 23:18 UMxx said

  

  Thanks benj, if for no other reason then at least you have trusted us with this :)

  I guess you could make a conscious decision to change tack - just spill your guts to him and bugger the trust stuff - he really isn't a person he is a service provider and you pay him - he just gets paid so much more than your bus driver.

  I get the stuff about wanting to be comforted - but I don't want this from a therapist - not one that I pay anyway - it would be different if that was an incidental occupation. I don't even shake hands anymore. Jo, what do you think of this - I know we are both right and there are no wrongs - what's your experience?

  I reckon for as long as you allow yourself to see him like a person, you won't use him as effectively as a therapist. Blunt? sorry - but I think it is because I want you to be in control of this one. Love you lots UM xxxxxx

• 14/06/2008 @ 14:33 Mebenji said

  

  That's how I started out - at least I thought that was my plan - to think of it as a strictly business relationship, except I hated him. Maybe I was fooling myself, just imagining I was maintaining a wide gap between us. I mean, I felt I was in this separate space from all other humans anyway, as I drifted in and out of crowds, bouncing around between people like in a bubble, a stable, unpoppable bubble, feeling untouched by all attempts of closeness. What keeps them out, keeps me in too, even if I want to come out.

  I think here, in Oz, the intimacy of the relationship Inspire has with her Counsellor would be questioned, if not investigated. Dawn is skating along a knife's edge.

  OO Ooops again.....

• 14/06/2008 @ 14:34 Mebenji said

  

  .....

  I have heard awful stories of things that have happened when GPs, Counsellors, Therapists, Psychologists and Psychiatrists, and other professional specialties too, to not take it seriously, although the ultimate responsibility and duty of care resides with the Medical Practitioner, I have felt a need to be mindful and guarded as well. I've had my own experience with a Psychiatrist I met years ago, when I was concerned about a patient of his who was also a friend of mine. So without going into specific detail here - let's agree I know the dangers of him being TOO human. Nonetheless, they are human. I can't deny that either anymore. He has revealed too many human qualities to ignore. If he'd never revealed all those little personal bits about himself, his life, family etc, I could have maintained the pretence/defence. Maybe that's what happens. You learn a little one day, a little more another day, eventually a picture begins to develop - & before you realise it, you've got a human sitting before you.

  Gives me the shits because it does make opening up more difficult. I doubt I will ever be able to spill my guts, (like I have said to him, "like vomit down my shirt" - I do like that analogy, disgusting as it is!). Wish that I could, but like screaming, or going on the attack and belting someone up (or worse) these will always be fantasies. Things I might dream, very vividly sometimes. Actual memories, experiences of the opposite of these are stronger. Being silenced, holding the crap in, being in a defensive mode, protecting myself from attack, are all far more real to me. So, how I deal with him tends to be more like that. It's a useless pattern of behaviour when his actions aren't actual attacks.

  
  Have I got off the subject again? Bring me back, if I go.

  ((Hugs)) -Mebenji

• 14/06/2008 @ 16:30 UMxx said

  

  have you wondered if you have decided to hate him just so you can validate how hard it is to talk to him?

  I remember telling Catherine that I didn't want to know anything about her because if she became too human then I might find it a struggle to talk too openly to her - I finally got over that stage - she is allowed to be human - but when she starts getting teary with my stuff then I find that uncomfortable - not my problem though.

  I reckon I have a thing about using my silence as power and control. I didn't have any when I was a kid and now I am exercising it. but in a very dull way. There's no other way I can think of my behaviour.

  And benj, this vomit down your shirt is a metaphor for what happened to you that you find disgusting - socially unacceptable behaviour that harmed you. Come on Jomo - you were the one that worked your magic on me - what did you cast on me that I saw the absolute need to push through this barrier of not wanting to tell. Best thing anyone ever told me. and called me mudguts to boot!

• 14/06/2008 @ 17:42 Mebenji said

  

  No, the 'vomit down my shirt' (okay -metaohore. I'll understand the difference one day and use the terms 'metaphore' and 'analogy' correctly), metaphore is just an imagime which equates with how "spilling my guts" to him or anyone might be like! Awful! I think everything might come out in a rush, a mixed up, messy unstoppable rush. EWWW! Sometimes my images really sum things up very nicely, thank you! & I wouldn't worry about being called 'mudguts' - though I have wondered why Jomo refers to herself as 'mudguts'?
  I don't know about silence being a power thing in my thereapy - though I have used silence, or being unresponsive, to keep myself from exposing myself to confrontation, a fearful thing if ever there is. By far it seemed the safer thing to do was to keep quiet.

• 14/06/2008 @ 20:58 inspire said

  

  Please forgive me ... but what does this mean?

  "I think here, in Oz, the intimacy of the relationship Inspire has with her Counsellor would be questioned, if not investigated. Dawn is skating along a knife's edge."

  Just curious ...
  Inspire

• 14/06/2008 @ 22:38 Mebenji said

  

  Hello Inspire,
  Perhaps I was projecting far in a direction I ought not do. It has been my understanding that Medical Practitioners of any discipline should, under no circumstance, unnecessarily touch patients. Oh, I know many who will briefly touch a shoulder, as in a little pat, or the hand, likewise. Might even take you by the elbow to manoeuvre you out of their room, as if to emphasise that it is time for you to leave. These kinds of touching tend to be accepted as normal.

  They, the Medical Practitioners are supposed to be mindful of maintaining a professional relationship with their patients. To go beyond that, into a more intimate, friendship type relationship is dangerous for both Dr and patient. It can become awfully difficult for the Dr to maintain their professional objectivity. That's why a Surgeon should never operate on a close relative - the relationship is TOO close, with too much emotion. The Dr might lose sight of the patient's best interests and treat them differently than they otherwise would. You might be more inclined to behave to please her, and she to please you.
  This is such a hard topic to put into words.

• 14/06/2008 @ 23:05 Mebenji said

  

  To continue, Insjpire,

  It's about perspective, and hoe dependant does a Dr want their patient to be. & the Dr also has to be careful of how a touch might be interpreted.

  There are boundaries, because it is not a relationship of equals, which can only become less equal if you are emotionally tied to your Dr. Isn't that why it would be so hard to walk away, now, when you NEED 'em?

  I gotta think about this more. I don't know if I have explained well enough. The guidelines or rules (I must admit I'm not sure which) Psychiatrists here are supposed to follow may be different from USA, or UK, or maybe many differences all over the world. No doubt, it may be quite difficult for a Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Counsellor, Social Worker, anyone working in mental health areas, if they have any physical contact with patients during their working day, to be sure all the time that each time is necessary and justifiable. Maybe that's why my Dr doesn't touch me at all. There can be no question of impropriety or blurred boundaries if he's never touched me. Keeps him safe. In doing so, keeps me at least Physically safe, (don't know about emotionally safe...hmmmm - don't know how he can be sure of that.)

• 14/06/2008 @ 23:28 UMxx said

  

  Wow this is going to get good and crazy - I am going back to your last post following mine.

  Mudguts is a term of endearment - young Jomo is a tad older than me - about the same age as my oldest brother if I recall. So we have the same slang language and sometimes it is like listening to old music that is linked to good memories. Mudguts is a bit like that - takes me back to happy times.

• 14/06/2008 @ 23:37 UMxx said

  

  Benj, I would not worry so much about what happens if you got into an outpouring - I had the same concern but really that bit of self protection seems to kick in and it (for me anyway) didn't come out in installments rather it was the whole story but with chunks out of it and then the chunks were filled in later. It did make me feel vulnerable and horrid. I don't know how to avoid that and the feeling of despair at reliving all of those memories. All I know of my self is that I am gaining a better internal relationship with myself. I don't feel as much like I am crap. Still do - but not as much.

• 14/06/2008 @ 23:48 UMxx said

  

  And to Inspire - Horses for courses kiddo. What Mebenji writes about here is our system. You and I have shared a bit about your relationship with Dawn and it is a different one to what we would generally experience here.Lots of it is tied up in the laws and the advice of the College about how counselors can best protect themselves. I men protect here in the way that it will avoid any legal action later.

  It also prevents them from getting too involved personally with their patients stories and becoming emotionally vulnerable.

  This is a picture of Australia. And the same rules now cover teachers. There is a higher level of scrutiny there because of the age of the people - all minors.

  None of this should be taken by you that your relationship with Dawn is inappropriate - just that how we see things comes only from our own experience and what we learn to understand and expect from this experience. We can all become advocates of our own environments.

  You haven't a problem with your relationship with Dawn and you do struggle just like the rest of us - it's just you have a different experience of what counseling is to the rest of us.

  lots of love UM xx

• 15/06/2008 @ 04:40 cate said

  

  Hi Mebenji, For what its worth I see nothing wrong in seeing a therapist/ counsellor as human just like us . In fact if we fail to acknowledge their human qualities we may as well sit in front of a well programmed robot ( there's probably one already out there in Japan?;)) . That's why I think it's useful to get to know something about AC and his perspective on what you want to know .
  He is very human with his own set of foibles no doubt . I believe at the famous Tavistock Institute the therapists must under go therapy to become really effective .

  When I suggest ' get to know him' I dont of course mean socially but first name basis communication is useful. And find it touching in that he has shared a few of his personal thoughts even if it is about his hair . It's too easy to see the therapist , fellow worker, bus driver etc as 'Tools' to achieve an end purpose. They are very human .
  The focus in your therapy is 'you' naturally but without recognising the human qualities the therapist brings to the consultation in my view is ignoring or failing to recognise that important component. With that recognition and if we' click' then we are able to trust enough to share our deepest thoughts. Then again some patients may
  more comfortable with robots :)
  Have you thought about contacting the Australian Psychological Society. The Queensland chapter may be able to suggest someone who specialises in your area of need ? These days Psychologists are very well trained and so long as you you are not reliant on prescription medication from the psychiatrist it may be worth considering .
  I know it would mean leaving your comfort zone but 12 years seems a long time if you feel there have been minimal gains
  The other option I guess would be for you to begin to change the dynamics of the relationship you have with AC and be more willing if not asserting your needs more strongly. Lots og love and huge (((((hugs))))) Cate

• 21/06/2008 @ 11:51 Jomo said

  

  Heeey! I have just found this brick, and see that I have been talked to on it, and didn't know... Sorry.
  My perspective is only mine own view, y'know - but I call my trick cyclist Dr M...... I never call him by his first name, though many of his patients do. I don't want to know his personal details. I don't want to discuss politics with him. I want him to listen to me, and help me with my stuff. Which doesn't mean that we don't laugh about stuff sometimes, or that he doesn't tell me the odd joke, and I do so back to him - but this is a purely professional relationship, and that is what I need to be able to trust him.
  I do trust him. He is not the enemy. He is not against me, he doesn't judge me, he listens, he understands, and he knows far more about what has happened inside my head than I do. He has the knowledge to guide me, and I need that.

  I have had to re-set paramaters sometimes - and I do that by telling him that I was unhappy about whatever, and talking it through with him, and he then discusses how we can avoid that.

  Of course he is human - of course he has a life, a home, etc. But all that is none of my business. Totally none. I know a few little things - his dog ate his glasses once, so I know he has a dog - okay.

  Mebenji - if you are still struggling, that is very hard. I understand how awful it is to cope with change, and I understand how hard it is to pay, when you are on a pension as I am. I also maintain private health insurance so that I can gain admission to a private psych hospital that he admits to: and that is very difficult. I would really like to have a conversation with you about all this, you know? I really would.
  Love to you -
  Jomo

• 21/06/2008 @ 12:30 UMxx said

  

  Hey Jo,

  I thought you had been very quiet on this brick. glad you found it though. so we really struggle on a range of fronts don't we - nothing linear about any of this.

  UM xx

• 21/06/2008 @ 12:42 Jomo said

  

  Hey Mudguts - have been missing you, and know that you have been having 'stuff' - wish I could help. I find negotiating round the Wall a bit of a nightmare - I just keep having to sign in and out - grrrrr - and I can't open the bricks easily when I open the whole of someone's bricks, no right-click and open sesame any more - I feel a bit of a clutz, and also that I am missing out on interesting stuff - also find stuff that I feel that I should not intrude on - and then I go and do other intrusive stuff anyway - heigh ho - I just hop around like a crow on hot bricks...
  cheers, big ears

• 21/06/2008 @ 12:43 Jomo said

  

  Actually, negotiating the wall is slightly similiar to how my whole life operates - LOL - so I ought to be used to it!

• 21/06/2008 @ 13:26 UMxx said

  

  Oh I need a bit of the old mudguts at the moment - that dumper caught me then another followed before I could get my balance. I like this brick -

  I used to have a big clear marble like the one in the photo - what were they? Bombers? I've forgotten. UM x

• 21/06/2008 @ 13:57 Jomo said

  

  Well, we used to call 'em tombolas - or Tom Bowlers - dunno how it was spelled! Only I was so much littler than the two sibs who were around then, they always beat me at everything! So I never had any marble for long - but my dear big brother always took pity on me, and gave me some of his, to lose back to him - likewise with his Monopoly money - LOL
  Sorry about the dumpers - can you get out of that bloody surf, mate? Crawl ashore for a bit?
  Tell me what you want to talk about - PM or summat -

• 21/06/2008 @ 14:07 UMxx said

  

  yes Mate I will - but I might get to bed soon - I am tired UM xxx

• 22/06/2008 @ 01:17 Mebenji said

  

  Oi, you two - are you trying to hijack my brick for the purpose of playing MARBLES?
  Why, I oughta...
  -(((Hugs))) -Mebenji

• 22/06/2008 @ 02:11 UMxx said

  

  Ahem, Sorry Benj - full of reminiscences of better thoughts.

  Back to you. Cate and Jo have both expressed their ways of dealing with therapists/professionals - are they personalities or not. I think it is as we need it to be. There are times that I mentally wipe the face off my Catherine just so I can get through part of a story - especially for the first time - I don't disclose to real people right - I often sit on the floor and address my feet - and often I am sitting behind her line of sight - she is in the room like the furniture is. It might take quite a few retellings before I feel okay about any interaction but slowly I let her back into the room as an identity. It is the best that I can do for me at the moment - but as I have written elsewhere the results do feel like I have been dumped under a large wave and sometimes again and again.

  I think that someone who is good at their job will work in a way that meets your needs - whatever you establish. Horses for courses I guess.

  UM xx

• 22/06/2008 @ 02:14 Jomo said

  

  Yeah - of course! Only my marbles are all square, these days. Makes playing a bit difficult, and my big brother doesn't play marbles any more - never let it be said that I have lost my marbles - they have simply changed shape, which is different. I challenge anyone to a game of square marbles, the only rule is that I win, OK?
  Jo

• 22/06/2008 @ 08:15 Mebenji said

  

  OH, you lot are so sweet and kind I could never delete any bit of you!

  So...Not last Wednesday, but the Wednesday before, I also mansged to ask him whether or not there was a group I might try. One thing we haven't come back to since he mentioned GROW way back at the start. Here again is another issue I have with him. Follow up...I have to be responsible for his memory - when mine isn't so good either, by the way - but no, I got upeset last Wednesday and didn't ask if he'd found any. I thing he totally forgot. That's not too unusal. So, yeah, I get pissed off - or used to, now I feel resigned to it. If I don't remind him, it's my fault. At least that's how it feels.

  No, I think, this isn't right. I feel I don't exist in his mind between session.

  So, now he is on holidays. My next appointment is July 16.

  & Jomo, before I forget, I did try to maintain Private Health Insurance at the start, not sure what to expect, thinking maybe I would have to go to a Psychiatric Hospital ...& I though I'd rather not be in an open ward - the more private the better as far as I am concerned. I thought the amounts I was paying into it were becoming too much, and the likelihood of going to hospital seemed less, I stopped. I sttill will see a Private Dentist - (oh, I hope I never need really major work done! Please don't punch me in my mouth! :) Even with the insurance my front teeth, bridge, cost a small fortune.)

  ....
  

• 22/06/2008 @ 08:35 Mebenji said

  

  ...Oh, yeah, UM is 'big ears' ...that's my memory. I only saw found that again to remind me, then i forgot for an hour or so, now it comes back. Why? Are you listening to what I say to Jomo? Okay. That'll save me repeating everything again, if I don't forget that I already said it. again. grrrr.

  For Jomo: I started seeing on Dr early 1993. He went of to Sydney round Aug/Sept 1995 and made arrangements for his patients to see other Doctors as he could find. He found DrAC. I had asked him if he could find someone similar in 'style' -don't have a clear definition, just the word that sort of means how the Dr deals with patients, I didn't want to change - not yet.
  Maybe I would have ...Ithink... anyhow, been with DrAC since. I did try to find another because I had a thought, doubts about how well his being my DR would work, I didn't want to like him. I was angry at the 1st for going to Sydney and then, to top it off, hand me over to someone so very different in style to himself. I got referrals to various Drs, and for one reason or another - I didn't find one who I thought I could be able to receive help from. I felt trapped. I've stuck it out, hoping to get over those early feelings. To some extent I have - but there are these other problems I have with him. I feel these difficulties are separate and would have arisen anyway.

  ....

• 22/06/2008 @ 08:43 Mebenji said

  

  ...Now I'm thinking, since I am so NOT good at DOING things I'm supposed to do (according to the accepted wisdon) maybe I ought to save my money and figure out how to deal with myself in my own way. You know, day by day, come what may, death bed be damned...I'll be dying anyway so what's it matter by then? Just be my misfortune to live to be the oldest oldie in the world! Better not send bloody t.v. crews with their bright lights and microphones and fill the place with lots of strangers to make it look like I'm loved by hundreds... AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!
  Right, Jomo? UM? I'm sure you'll both agree to that dictum from your leader. (small 'l' leader.)
  

• 22/06/2008 @ 09:34 Jomo said

  

  Dear Reverered [small "l"]eader,
  If you feel this way, maybe then a break would be beneficial - it is really hard to find a new shrink - one that you can relate to - I wonder, Dear [big "d"] friend, if you expect not to get the best treatment anyway - so accept less-than-average? I have no doubt that he does not think about you a great deal between consults, but if he undertaken to find out something, sort out something, then he should have done it. That is breaking faith with you, and not your fault for not reminding him. If you think it is your fault, and he is letting you do that - hmmm. We've really gotta have that conversation!
  Much love
  Jo

• 22/06/2008 @ 11:45 UMxx said

  

  Dear Mebenji, There is no "l" in your name I looked and looked. what is the dictum we are to follow? We all make our own decisions and we try to make the best decisions we can. I only know what you say here on the Wall - am I really a big ears? I don't know that you get much out of this gig with DRAC - I think he isn't very smart and I think that must be very frustrating. I agree with the inference made by Jo - you are not his responsibility and he is not yours. Do you really think that someone who can't cope with the basics of their job - checking out local groups(for goodness sake that is so basic - your local community health centre would be able to tell him that) or even just taking a lead from you. I am tending to think you invest more into him than into yourself - yes I know this bit leads you to say that it has always been this way. But it is the same struggle that Nipper has in changing the way she thinks. You are such a great person - not because you turn yourself inside out for others - just because you are and the fact you do reach out and support others is what good people do. But it doesn't make them good.

  You are a great person on the basis of merit.

  I think most of the time you feel that you aren't an okay person - you haven't even learned the language of basic self respect - not that you would be Robinson Crusoe around here with that attitude. It's hard to learn a new way of thinking. It's not like changing from butter to margarine. More like beef to tofu.

  Worse still we all know that no one can do it for you or do much to help. We can just be around to support you as you go through - just as you support me and Jo and so on.

• 22/06/2008 @ 11:45 UMxx said

  

  To be honest, once you said you wouldn't recommend Dr AC I was over him. He isn't journeying with you in this - rather it feels like he sends you one of those old post cards we had when we were kids and all you had to do was insert a name at the top and tick the appropriate boxes. No effort no thought no reflection and really no communication. You are really smart and need someone who is smart to go on the trip with you. Better to travel alone than in the company of a dill.

  And this is the second time that Jo has suggested that conversation so it could be a good idea to take her up on it before she starts casing Redcliffe in her walker.

  Drop the bastard. UM xxx

• 22/06/2008 @ 12:24 Jomo said

  

  Straight to the point, our UM! I am re-fuelling Ethel as we speak [well, not really, she don't take fuel, I push, but metaphorically..] Redcliffe? That is really near where I am -
  I do fancy casing Redcliffe, though, like some Hetty Wainthropp with Walker -

• 22/06/2008 @ 12:40 Mebenji said

  

  Further up this page, Dear UM at 12:42. Please reread the post from Jomo.
  and I was slipping into my role as leader of the crews of the Porkypine and the Philip Adams. Hence leader is with a small L - not big like that one was. Therefore the dictum only relates to if I have to live beyond 100 years old.

  I know, (repeat a few dozen times before I am winded). My mind, my fears fight these decisions, just as Nipper's does. No, don't think I ever did think I was worthy of decent treatment. When it's offered (& I'm not sure I even recognise all the times it may have been offered), it's unbelievable. Really unbelievable. Also it occurs to me, my GP hasn't been all that interested in ME either. So, I can't trust either of them to refer me, can I? I do need that conversation you offer, Jomo. (oh, & another little confusion to clear up. I only visited Redcliffe one day. I live south of the river. Maybe 15-20 mins by car, 30 or so by bus - allowing for traffic conditions.) I know limitations here. But you've helped me come sssooooo close to a decision tonight.

  How to proceed? Find a new G.P. who doesn't know me anyway. Not much less than the one I have now knows me. I mean, it wouldn't matter - wouldn't it still be like a stab in the dark?

  Oh, Jomo, I have shared a few of your Bricks with BB, to help him understand my references to him about the Porkypine and the Philip Adams. Sincerely hope you don't mind, and very sorry if you do.

• 22/06/2008 @ 13:27 Jomo said

  

  My Dearest Purple Turtle (AKA Mebenji),
  Isn't that what the bricks are for, to share and send and talk about? I am delighted that you choose to send them to someone else, either to help explain something, or expound upon my brilliance and etc. (cough, cough, sorry, choking on ego, there). So - you live Ipswich way? Yeah, maybe?

• 25/06/2008 @ 09:11 Mebenji said

  

  Alright, here again.
  Spent today beginning a picture of Micelf (my puppy/inner-child) and Will (my will as personified in a dream). I am keeping these images, as part of my internal support team, I'm not sure if 'support' is the right word for Micelf's role as inner-child. I need her though. I need to learn to love her, care for her, treat her well and be there for her.

  Just so, I need a will of my own. But, oh, Will, she is SO willful, defiant (yeah, that's the word I wanted before), stubborn, determined, more resilient than I am I think, she keeps me alive, she is what keeps me going when I want to quit or give up. I need to learn how to work WITH her. Even in my dream, she was this flighty, quick spark, who insisted on being independent even though (in my dream) she was quite literally MY Will, I owned her almost as people own slaves. That wasn't good either, I thought upon waking. But I liked her,

  I phoned and make an appointment with my GP, (we shall see if he is helpful or not, for sure, huh?) to ask him about finding another Psychiatrist for me. I wish I didn't need referrals for this stuff...I also wish I could more easily get a short list of potentially good Psychiatrists who will work better with me than DrAC. How much better? Can I dare hope for A LOT better or is it more likely that a little better is all I can expect?

• 25/06/2008 @ 10:10 Jomo said

  

  Good luck - you never know what you might turn up - I hope that your GP is helpful. Had you ever though of telling DrAC that you are unable to continue with him, and asking him what he thinks about that, and whether he knows of shrinks that deal with your sorts of problems better? If he is a professional, he should be able to do that.
  Jo xxx

• 25/06/2008 @ 11:02 UMxx said

  

  Hey benj, Jomo is right about DrAc being in the position to suggest a list of names for you. I was wondering if you could make a very short list of what you wanted in a shrink? Have you checked out the web of the Psych association? I just wonder if you GP is into the loop about who is who in the world of psychs? My GP had never heard of mine but is now a fan - they just don't mix in the same circles. love you lots UM xx

• 25/06/2008 @ 12:44 Mebenji said

  

  Oh, dear dears, how can I trust DrAC to be open to that? Indeed I have tried to talk to him about whether or not I ought to be seeing someone else because of how our therapeutic relationship isn't working, I'm not getting better - well, not how he thinks I should be (which is part of the whole problem I have with him) & he simply I'm actually asking some unstated question...I said how frustrated I feel because he keeps on trying to deal with whether or not I'm getting out, have friends, relationships, etc., and he says he feels frustrated too. & so the conversation gets diverted away from my earlier questions about whether or not it is useful to remain in therapy with him or move on? Anyway, he's on holiday now. I feel sick of him. I'm not strong enough to take him on, to get him to hear me.

  As I said, I don't know what my current GP will say about it, if he has contacts or resources he has uses. I told you doesn't seem interested in my mental health - he never even asks how things are going with DrAC. So, I'm not feeling confident about asking him. I'm just not sure where else to go. Gotta get stupid referral to go see someone, and do it again if the first choice proves inappropriate. How much would he be willing to ring around on my behalf? GPs are so busy, barely get 5mins with 'em as it is. What do you think I'll be able to get across to him in 5mins?

  
  Tell you something now, I don't think I want to go for months stuffing around looking for another, repeatedly getting referrals to do so. I'd rather not.

• 25/06/2008 @ 15:20 UMxx said

  

  No you are right benj, this guy isn't worth the effort from you. If push comes to shove I;ll bloody ring around for you!

• 17/07/2008 @ 10:39 Mebenji said

  

  That was a sweet and feisty offer, UM. I dearly hope I won't keep you to it. Anyhow, get ready for a long post, in installments.

  Beginning now:

  Oh, I wanted to chicken out, not even go in. I wanted to sleep in, avoid the question of whether or not I would face him at all, simply by sleeping so late that I would miss the appointment. But I didn’t. I woke early – anxious I guess. That’s what it tends to do to ya. Oh well, I thought, must be meant to go and face him. So I did. Still thought, I could just go out of the waiting room without seeing him. I almost didn’t tell his secretary to at least cancel the appointment I would have had next week. (Afterwards she learns that she is to cancel further appointments. He didn’t even offer to keep a place for me if the Psychiatrist I do see next week is not compatible.

  Even when I was walking into his office, I was still thinking I could, and would rather, send him a letter. After a little small talk about his phone call – he asked me how much I could hear out there in the waiting room, of what he was talking on the phone about. It was to someone at a hospital, he said. He was arguing. I told him while I could hear he was on the phone, I could not tell what he was talking about. (I wasn’t trying to either. I was trying to relax, to go in more confidently and in control of myself than I felt. I didn’t tell him that.) I really didn’t want him to go off onto the usual track. So I, rather more nervously than I wanted to sound, said that “This is so difficult sometimes.” So he asked, and I guess I thought of you, UM, and did my best.

  I have just thought how I sort of do and don’t remember well just how the conversation went. I did blurt out that I had come in to say “Bye bye.” To him, in person, that I would not have been happy with myself if I had not – if I had done it by letter. He said, “Well, that’s blunt, straight to the point.” And sure we might have sent letters back and forth, but he prefers to do this face to face.

  ....
  

• 17/07/2008 @ 10:44 Mebenji said

  

  ....
  He wanted to know where I thought we’d gone wrong – because as far as he was concerned things had been better once, but not so much now. I really would rather that he had some idea – something I could attach a red flag to if it comes up again. I did mention that stuff about not having chosen him in the first place, that it took me a long time to not hate him. I said I think there is still some of that resentment there (I didn’t say “resentment” literally…wish I had. So much I wish I could say as well as write.)

  He sort of see-sawed about whether or not it is good or bad to have a Psychiatrist you feel good about or to have one where there is friction. I mentioned I needed to feel more comfortable, how I feel trying to talk, how ‘intimidating’ (I am really not sure that’s the right word.) it is to just open my mouth and talk. He said I could forget about comfortable. I realize, I don’t mean that we should get along so well that the relationship is overwhelmingly like a friendship (even friends can have differences and arguments – I know). I’m struggling to thing just what I want, or need…that was what he was pressing me about. It was like for once he was doing his job.

  He didn’t even munch his munchies. The nuts were sitting there in the container on the desk. His apple not far away. I did say again how distracting the noise of his munching, and the fax machine the secretary uses. He says they can’t seem to turn the volume down on the thing! Hmm, find that hard to believe. Or is it the phone that is connected to it, which you turn the volume down on? Never used one myself, so I’m not sure.

  I started blubbering again. My usual response to that is, “I hate this.” I find I can barely utter a sound when I do try to speak while crying. I don’t expect him to comment when I mutter, “I hate this”, but he did. Instead of realizing or acknowledging that it is the crying I hate, he said, “Ending relationships is always hard.” And somehow also said something about the inevitable feelings of disappointment.

  And it is. I’ve spent all this time and money, only to be worse, in some ways, than when I began. How come I don’t get my money back? That’s where it is really quite different to other services and business transactions. Also, like I said when I quit the job I had working at a sheltered workshop – some things are worth more than money. I was feeling my mental health was suffering more and more by staying. So , I lost the money they paid me and a couple extra benefits from Centrelink and eventually felt better for having left. That took a while.

  Anyway,

  He left the question unanswered as to how long a trial period should be. Up to me, I guess. I repeated that 12 odd years surely is long enough. I think I expected him to argue, to keep me coming there – then I let him know the decision was done, that I have made an appointment to see someone else already. Up until then I felt sure he’d keep my appointments after next week’s open for me, if I wanted a ‘safety net’ (I don’t know why I thought that might happen. I think I just wanted it. But nope. I have no safety net now.

  He never even attempted to ask who I’d made an appointment with. I did eventually tell him it was a woman. Only because he was pressing me about what was scary, you know, as well as starting all over again with someone new. So I told him if she reminds me of my step-mother then that would not work. I didn’t detail why that wouldn’t work – it wouldn’t because I think that would intimidate me, petrify me I think. Suddenly faced with ‘her’ (her likeness in appearance or speech, or manner I don’t think would make much difference, unless it was ALL of the these combined) I don’t think I could deal with that. I was about to say “I don’t think I could stand up to her” – strictly speaking that is not true. I could stand, had to. I was not allowed to crumple in a heap or run away, or even to turn my head away from seeing her face.
  But DrAC thought maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing either, if she is. I suppose, like facing your monsters and demons – yeah, but…I don’t know I will ever feel strong enough for that. Not that one. She’s the Head Monster, if you will. When I was trying to reconnect with my brother, the second eldest – not the one who abused me – I learned he had formed a closer relationship with my step-mother than ever there had been before. He even was staying at her place while visiting from Tassie, so I was given her phone number to ring, to contact him there. Unfortunately she answered. I could not speak. I trembled. I hung up without being able to say a word, not even to ask for him. She’s saying, Hello? Who is this?” I couldn’t even say. That’s why I think someone who reminds me of her would be too much. I couldn’t tell DrAC any of that though, either.

  Now I have forgotten something else.

  I reiterated other things I had said previously – seeing as he was seeming to listen this time.  very funny, ha ha. Now that he has the message, he was very matter of fact about it. No fuss, no fight. I still feel confused – I both feared and wanted some fuss and fight. Finally, it was as if he didn’t care at all, either way. Or maybe it was exactly what he was waiting for, what he wanted anyway. He just controlled his relief/happiness, but he wasn’t going to put on an act of sadness or regret. I don’t know. I don’t want to read anything into how he responded on that last day…but isn’t it natural to read into things what ever might not be explicitly expressed? Maybe there was a look on his face I didn’t see – a look that would have told someone else a great deal more and I missed it?

  And what does it matter now? I ask myself. Now that it is over, I want it to be done and dusted, all cleared away. Can I shove as large as almost13 years up on a shelf? I don’t think so. I couldn’t shove all that other relationship I was leaving when I left the sheltered workshop, up onto a very deep shelf, so what would make this one any different? (That one was 14 years. Some of it seemed good, but hind sight has grubbied those years too.)

  This has been long and hard. I wanna pizza, and before the evening session of SPICA begins.

  (Summer thinks he writes a lot?  What does he know!?!

  -Mebenji
  

• 17/07/2008 @ 10:49 Mebenji said

  

  Ha he ha! Tada! I think it would have posted the whole thing without 'oopsing' me at all anymore! I sure hope so.

  (I had typed this all up off-line first anyway and copied & pasted it in so I wouldn't get logged out while writing it up.) I think it works better that way for me anyway.

• 17/07/2008 @ 15:17 UMxx said

  

  Dear benj,

  I am so incredibly proud of you. Not because you dumped DrAC but because you now know you can front up to people who don't make you feel at ease and deal with them. I actually think you are a very courageous person. clearly Wil and MiCelf are helping you as much as you are helping them.

  I hope this means that you will sleep more peacefull with this no longer hanging over your head.

  Lots of love UM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

• 18/07/2008 @ 01:40 Jomo said

  

  DrAC be buggered, I say. Whatever he thinks/feels is his stuff, and professionally he should be projecting a caring professional who has your best interests as his goal - that you came away feeling that he was relieved is just crap, and extremely bad on his part.

  I spit in his virtual eye, I do. Hah. That's my gispy blood coming out. [yes I do mean gispy - I am not a Gypsy, because I am too muddled, blood lines too mixed].

  You do too have a safety net, he has to provide one - not that I think that you were looked after properly by him at all, in any way.

  You have done incredibely well, as Maid says. You have walked tall, and said your bit, and sorted out a real pain and block in your life, I feel.

  If the new Therapist is not good, well then, we'll seek another! We are invincible. So there, DrAC, you blood-sucker. Hah.

  Lots of love
  Jo XXXX

• 18/07/2008 @ 03:55 cate said

  

  Mebenji . you have found the strength to face and deal with such awful stuff - lots of gold stars and medals are on the way. I too hope you are able to find restful sleep now this is out of the way. I think you have also discovered that no one should have to put up let alone pay for any service that fails to meet our needs and expectations . Doesn't matter who or what qualifications. Negligent uncaring behaviour has cost lives and i am so glad you have taken control of your life. I guess DR AC will have learnt something too - bet he now wonders whether he shoulds chew that apple or munch on those nuts during a consult. He'll be wondering even at a sub conscious level whether any of his other patients will have your feistyness to stand up and vote with their feet. well done girl!! Lots of love and a huge hug, Cate

• 18/07/2008 @ 11:02 Mebenji said

  

  Thank you UM, Jomo and Cate,
  I wasn't feeling courageous, or even more than 4 ft tall at my tallest (that was before I sat down). I don't know that I can claim to have conquered that block (as you call it, Jomo) and now could say I feel confident that I could most times face up to people and deal with them when their actions displease me. Fact is I felt barely able to get the words out that I did, and probably only looked in his direction one third of the time. It still did feel really scary - but yeah, I did do it.

  I even decided to reward myself today - & have gone ahead & bought a new camera (not the real you-beaut expensive digital SLR camera I would like - that'll wait a while longer until I have saved up more money.)
  but I did get another smaller one. Haven't got it up and running yet - but when I do, watch out for new bricks! :)

  ((((Hugsalot)))) to each of you. & YOU too, Inspire - I haven't forgotten your help with this. :) Thank you too.

  -Mebenji

• 18/07/2008 @ 14:34 UMxx said

  

  you know what mebenji, if we had been more organised it would have been good to have video taped the session with DrAc because I think what you would have seen is the way that your outsides work even when you insides feel quite jelly like. I am not entirely convinced that you did not perform quite brilliantly because of the way that you describe his reaction. that is not the reaction of some one who is disinterested but someone who knows that he just got sacked. I am with Cate - I think you might just be the first person to give him a proper performance appraisal. love UM xx

• 18/07/2008 @ 15:34 Mebenji said

  

  I don't UM, I thought his tone of voice seemed too flat, so I did not register interest. I may be wrong about that, I know. If I am, you and Cate somehow know better. I may well have missed some important facial expressions...I just don't know. I can only go on what i do have s little confidence in (yep, only some because I know it is not the whole picture) and that is vocal cues. I am sure many visual cues go right by me, so I have learned to hear more in a voice than ever by what I see. If I could do both...I'm sure I could be more confident about who has better insight into his manner...you and Cate, or I?

  
  Yeah, I know that I am able to hold my body still - though I think my posture betrays me more than it used to. I can slip into slouching, or leaning over, as if to begin to curl inward upon myself. I don't make an effort to look even in the general direction of people. I am not comfortable doing that. And even if they are sitting or standing close enough for eye-contact, I would avoid it. That is not the behaviour of a confident person. I also get fidgety more than I used to. I even have notice that I squirm in the chair sometimes. Oh, that's bad, I think, scolding - all of it is bad. & guess what? I just thought I had never told him that. I had assumed he would know that, as if what else would I think/feel - like no other attitude is possible? This is how thick this stuff is in me - so entrenched! Thick like molasses.

  You know, I hope you are right, fear I am, because you and Cate come to a more positive conclusion than I do.

  Good night, UMmy. Thanks again Cate, for the Purple sky and the little yellow stars!

  I better go to bed too.

  (((Hugs)))) and may I XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
  you all over or just in one spot and wear it out!

• 18/07/2008 @ 19:32 harmony said

  

  HI MEbenji

  Jsut read your story of ending with DR AC. Sacking a psychiatrist is a supremely empowering thing to do.You are amazing. I'm sending you love of love.

  I do believe the problem all along has been that Dr AC is in need of a psychiatrist. Your parting shot could have been to hand him a list of local shrinks to check out when he feels ready.
  xxxH

• 18/07/2008 @ 22:10 Mebenji said

  

  Hello Harmony!
  Thank you for your kind thoughts - though as you might have noticed, I am not convinced this has been an empowering experience. That has always been a part of my problems anyway - I generally do think in positive terms and do not regard myself or things I do so well either. I am aware of it - yet still battle it every occasion I notice. & no, I don't notice all the time. I appreciate when people here bring it to my attention so I will become more aware myself of how and when and even why and what I can do to change this very basic issue I have with myself. That is really something I very much want to directly deal with, much as possible, often as possible. So, like UM and Jomo, Inspire and Cate, You can help me there too, I think. Will you, please? I think there is a very wise woman inside you...so if you need help, just ask, make a brick, pm me, whatever - I'll be there for you too. I think this is what the Wall does best. It brings us together, even though we are continents apart.

  Thank you again. & I do want to tell you how much I like that beautiful pink swirl with the warm centre, a safe place which will cradle you...and although you didn't want comments, I feel I must. I love it. Just seeing the forms, and the warm centre of it, I felt embraced by those colours as well, and it felt good and safe.
  Believe it or not, Harmony, you are an artist. I would would ask you to consider including many of your colour pictures to the academy wall, by adding the tag 'academy' to each, Somewhere you wrote that you think your drawing has not progressed beyond a 5 yr old's - that's where you are stuck - I do not think that is so. No 5 yr old's drawings I have ever seen can compare with your genuine talent and skill, the forms, - I don't know quite how to describe it...how one colour relates to another, how one may have been overlayed, translucently, upon another. Even the composition of your avatar - though it is too small, (oh that is one disappointment of this new-look Wall - the avatars are still so small) for me to see very well, I can see quite enough to know, this did not come from a 5 ye old within you, the woman. I think these come from you, the woman you are now.

  I intend to say more. Just now I have decided to Brick it. I will send it to you when I do. Right now I have another Brick to make.

  ((hugs)) -Mebenji
  

• 21/07/2008 @ 04:09 UMxx said

  

  Well it has happened.

  I never thought it would

  I have spent a life running from people who have added "y" to my real name.

  It always makes me feel like I am a kid - though I know that is not the intention

  But now, I am UMmy?

  I guess I am nearly used to that

  It does sound a bit like Mummy and I answer to that.

  
  As for empowering experiences my friend. Do you not feel as if you saw a mountain and scaled it? Jomo you need to have a word to Benj, as she is not being nice to Benj. I think I would really like to see a brick by Benji recognising what it took to "Sack the DRAC!"

  or you could make a few and we could have a brick exhibition.

  Hey what an idea for some fun - we could have a brick exhibition on the Wall - you know my best brick - would that be fun or am I desperately sleep deprived and lost in a plot?

  UM x