Comments

• 16/07/2008 @ 20:43 emptyheart said

  

  i feel like a rubbish..like a piece of paper on the street.. lonely...i hate myself...

• 17/07/2008 @ 02:38 Mebenji said

  

  Hello Emptyheart,

  I'm saddened to think you feel so low, so unhappy, that you hate yourself. I can't imagine why you would feel so bad...can you talk about it? I hope being here, talking with some of us here, can help you up from this unhappy place.

  ((hugs)) -Mebenji.

• 17/07/2008 @ 11:14 Jomo said

  

  Your little flower speaks so eloquently of how you feel - but it is not rubbish at all - sometimes beautiful flowers grow amongst rubbish anyway - if you are a piece of paper blowing on the street, then I am glad the wind has blown you in here - welcome, and talk to us, eh?
  Jo

• 17/07/2008 @ 11:30 UMxx said

  

  Hello emptyheart, just wanted to say welcome to the wall. And please keep in touch and let us know how you are.

  UM xx

• 17/07/2008 @ 12:40 emptyheart said

  

  ...first of all, I need to say that before any problems : i'm polish and my english is not fluent so sorry for all mistakes...second... this is really painful for me to talk about it but hopefully it will helps me.... and first time since, I don't even remember, someone took me seriously..i mean someone finally reacted... people used to think that i'm moody and i don't really have a reason to feel like that...but i have... i'm 25...i have been living in london for two years.. i left my mum and my sister in oland by their own.. my parents are divorced..my mum is depressed and lonely. she hasn't got anyone to talk with her or just be with her..apart from my sister who is getting depressed like our mum... years ago when i was about 19 years old i was trying to help her..now i realized that it was wrong because i was trying to be a mother for her... and i have lost myself i think... deep inside of me i feel so bad that i couldn't help her... that i'm a bad person that i left them there...i have a reason to be here.. i am working and saving money for study in poland... and trying to give them financial support because my mum doesn't work anymore..she really want to but she can't... it makes me feel really bad...it maybe sounds stupid for u but i feel like the worse person in the world.... it might be a depression i think...i can't really smile...sometimes when hear my mum and she's saying that she had a good day or something i feel better..i'm really depend from her.... but......where is my life?...i can't cope with it...i can't see my future as a happy person........................thanks that u read it............p.

• 17/07/2008 @ 14:36 inspire said

  

  Hello emptyheart, welcome to the wall. I'm glad you have come here, it will be help you immensly. I can relate to a few things that you mentioned. I have found myself mothering my own mother quite often and it has really altered my life, but there are ways to deal with what we feel afterwards. You are not a bad person because you couldn't help her, you tried and it's truly (as hard as it may sound) not your responsibility. Is there something you like to do in London that can allow you to get away from some of the sadness?

• 17/07/2008 @ 14:37 inspire said

  

  Sorry ... I didn't sign ...
  Sending you many hugs ...
  Inspire xx

• 17/07/2008 @ 14:51 UMxx said

  

  Hello emptyheart,
  firstly, your english is fine and it is easy to understand what you are feeling - you shouldn't worry about that on the wall. It does sound like you are very down and low.

  It does not sound stupid that sometimes you feel like you are a bad person. I think this is quite a usual feeling for people who are low. Certainly it has been my experience - if I am depressed, I feel strong hate towards myself. And when we feel like there is really no reason to smile is there?

  This is complicated for you as you are physically separated from your mother. I wonder if your mother is receiving some professional assistance for her depression? Although you are not responsible for your mother maybe you would feel better if you knew she was receiving good assistance and support? the same for your sister.

  Have you got a number of friends in London or are you feeling alone there? It is important that you feel safe to come to the Big white wall and talk about your feelings but it is good if you have real life friends also. Maybe you could write us a little more about how you are finding life in London and some more of your worries. Yes I believe that talking about these things are important for healing.

  Please take care and stay in touch.

  Love UM xx

• 18/07/2008 @ 00:01 Mebenji said

  

  Dear emptyHeart,

  
  We are so hard on ourselves sometimes, even though we are doing our best, and from young ages too. It saddens me to see you so critical of yourself for what? Loving your mother. Wanting to help her, and your sister. Wanting in your youth to be more for her than you knew was good for you. That's what struck me - you didn't know what else you could do, so you did what you knew. You mothered your mother. I don't think that is so terrible. I think it is sad that there was so much to cope with - but not that you did. Now you are working, saving money so you can go back to Poland, to study, so you can help your mother and sister more - that's a huge task you've set yourself, a long term goal as well. I'm not sure it is the best thing - it just seems like you are sacrificing yourself more. I don't know what I would do in your shoes. It feels to you it is what is the right thing to do? Have I understood that?

  
  As UM asked, I wonder too if there is help in Poland which your mun and sister could go to? Anyone they can rely on - because right now it seems you are carrying all of this, and it is very hard for you. I'm not surprised you feel so low and sad and lonely.

  
  And your English is fine - I hope mine is not too difficult. Please ask if there is anything you can't understand.
  I would like to hear more about how you are living in London, too, please.

  
  From my point of view, you have and are doing so much. I think it feels like it is not enough because your mum and your sister are still depressed - you are helping them through it, but sadly, you can't fix it. They need to get help for their depression.

  
  And what about your own mood? What can you do to help yourself, so you aren't depressed as well? Have you thought about that?

  
  I hope to hear from you again soon.

  -Mebenji

  
  

• 28/07/2008 @ 06:58 CHAKWAINA said

  

  you might feel useless...
  but feelings don't always reflect the truth.

  You have use!

  Also, I was in a similar situation. My moms didn't start getting better until I seperated myself from her.
  My counselor explained it to me like this- if when you around that person and you are taking care of them and keeping real life away by protection, then when you are gone real life hits them even harder and they aren't sure what is going on.

  Good luck!

• 28/07/2008 @ 06:59 CHAKWAINA said

  

  Oh and also
  you have every right to feel how you feel.
  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

• 28/07/2008 @ 08:27 UMxx said

  

  Hey emptyheart,

  Where are you ? can you pop back and say hello - just wondering how you are going? UM x

• 11/09/2008 @ 15:39 dutchess said

  

  Dear emptyheart,
  I feel I mothered my mom when I was living with her. I moved far away, but I did really miss her.
  My mom finally grew up. Now I really like her. I used to feel sorry for her that she couldn't cope, but also very angry that I had to pick up the pieces. Now we are friends, and I tell her when I am proud of what she is doing for herself. It is ok and natural to be sad and angry when you see you can't fix everything for her.
  And London can be a rotten, lonely place in my experience. But I have learned lots of places to go and things to do to make it less bad. Let me know if you want some of that information.
  Strength to you dear emptyheart.
  Dutchess

• 11/09/2008 @ 23:34 UMxx said

  

  this is a lovely message dutchess - empty heart - we haven't heard from you for a while - be great if you could let us know how you are UM xx