I don't where I have been for the last couple of months - but I know when I woke in the morning I wasn't here - I was lost somewhere. the first thing every morning was realizing with a sense of dread that I was somewhere down in a dark place. Sometimes it felt like I was just falling down, down, down - and it would take so much energy to just keep going and trying to keep life going as much as normal.

That was the tough bit. To keep going - get dressed, kids off to school and on bad days that was it - for about a month - until I knew that I wasn't getting any better but sliding worse - uurrggh - more meds - a sense of failure and lack of capacity to just cope. Another month of waiting and another increase in dose and almost losing myself to just wanting to give up - thank goodness the Wall was my safe place where I visit while I still remained in my cave - weeks of not going outside but doing my work from home.

Work is my best distraction even when I am down and can't cope with live people, I can work - it's like an automatic response and my brain doesn't tolerate too many interferences from the many doubting and angry voices in side of me.

I had my battle with cling wrap - and it took many weeks to defeat it but I did. Even before I found my self again I knew that I would win that one.

And so this morning after not so much sleep when I opened my eyes and my ears to the world I expected to start sinking and I waited. It didn't happen - I was just awake. I am just me - back again and so pleased to feel whole again and just normal within my own skin.

The whole day went so quickly - probably the same amount of work achieved but without feeling every word in every meeting - and without feeling that I was dragging two bodies around instead of one.

YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!