Comments

• 12/03/2008 @ 08:53 Wolfie said

  

  But at least you did it - that must feel so liberating. Wx

• 12/03/2008 @ 09:17 thorn said

  

  I don't know Wolfie. Right now terror is overwhelming all other feelings. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

• 12/03/2008 @ 20:30 roze said

  

  Please let us know and if he replied!

• 12/03/2008 @ 23:40 thorn said

  

  He replied and it was not a very positive experience. I'm hoping to talk to him in person tonight to help straighten things out. I'll let you know how it goes.

• 12/03/2008 @ 23:41 roze said

  

  Please do thorn - it is so much better to talk in person. Thinking of you roze

• 13/03/2008 @ 05:48 thorn said

  

  He didn't show up. I ended up writing an enormously long email that culminated with:

  "Please do not worry about me missing the sexual side of our friendship. It is highly unlikely that I will ever be comfortable enough with you to want resume it. Once I read the words "pretense of a sexual relationship" all desire to ever be with you in that way dried up. I was totally open and honest in my lust. I never faked it and I took great joy in sharing that aspect of our relationship with you. And to have you call something I considered a gift of myself a "pretense" made me feel humiliated. And I'm not willing to open myself up to that kind of ridicule again. I've deleted all reminders of 'that aspect' from my life. All email, all voice recordings, all pictures, all poems, everything. It distresses me to even think about it, so please, will you stop mentioning it? "

  I haven't been that honest with him in a LONG time. Now, I just need to wait for his reply.

  If he makes one.

• 13/03/2008 @ 08:31 UMxx said

  

  Dear Thorn, what a lousy story. My mother would have called him a "waster". It was a derogatory term and the worst of her terms for men who behaved badly. I think it is linked to someone who was seen to be wasting another's life. My goodness though you are brave to be so honest with him - especially as it seemed to come from needing to be honest and not from anger or malice. I am sorry that he is a lesser person than you and isn't able to be brave enough to talk to you. What do you think he is doing? Is he likely to be playing power games with you because he knows that you will want to talk this through. It sounds odd that he couldn't make your meeting.

  Whatever it takes, I am wishing it for you - together with all of the happy stuff that you are so good at listing. Roze and Wolfie are international treasures aren't they - another happy gift in all our lives.
  Wishing you strength and peace. XX UM

• 13/03/2008 @ 09:13 roze said

  

  That was such a brave and honest message to write. I so respect and admire you for that thorn - because if we cannot be true to ourselves how can we ever be true to one another? His words to you were damaging and spiteful and punitive. He simply does not deserve you. You have risen above his words in your response - proud and open - you are magnificent!

• 14/03/2008 @ 02:23 thorn said

  

  Well... after several emails he decided that he might be able to talk to me this weekend. He's not sure. I replied that I wasn't going to be available this weekend, so... I have to find something to do. I think I will turn my phone off, turn my computer off and catch up on my housework and my knitting. Maybe take more pictures of the kitten. Hopefully I'll want to talk to him next week. We'll see.

• 14/03/2008 @ 06:44 UMxx said

  

  I have been thinking about you today, thorn, especially about your courage in writing your message to the ex. I am trying hard to clear my head and picked up a book at a page and found this.

  I was angry with my friend
  I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
  I was angry with my foe:
  I told it not, my wrath did grow.

  A Poison Tree
  I thought of you immediately and it made my regard for your courage to grow again. I think I feel that the pain of honestly dealing with anger is considerably better than living with the anger that could sit within and grow.

  I love the brick of your kitten and the image in my mind of the soft shoe shuffle is pretty wonderful too. wishing you a peaceful weekend to experience lots of kitten cuddles. UM

• 15/03/2008 @ 03:06 thorn said

  

  Another flurry of emails today (still no talking) and he sends me this: "If you truly believe that my intimate desires for you were ever less than genuine, then I really don't hold out any hope that you and I will be able to understand each other about anything."

  
  We are in the midst of a messy, emotional, breakup and one sentence reminds me of everything I love and adore about the man.

  
  I don't need sex. I would like nothing better than to curl up and listen to him talk.

  That's probably why I'm fighting so hard to preserve some semblence of friendship with him.

• 15/03/2008 @ 03:09 thorn said

  

  Oh, and if you were wondering it was the phrase 'intimate desires' that did it for me. I melted.

  I am such a pushover.

• 15/03/2008 @ 07:41 UMxx said

  

  Hey thorn, I don't want to be overly familiar - but it sounds like you have hope for part of this relationship. I understand from your brick that you are very hurt and sad - but you may still have hope. Are you feeling that something may still be possible? If you are then it is even more important that you told him how he had hurt you. I don't need the details but we all have the capacity for forgiveness. It's just that his language is not final - it is reflective and wanting to confirm his feelings for you. Maybe I am way off here but ...... UM

• 15/03/2008 @ 09:41 thorn said

  

  Hi Unionmaid, I laughed when I read that you don't want to be too forward. I'm regurgitating my emotions all over the internet and you are worried I'll take offense that you want to comment on them.

  I won't.

  Yes, I still have hope that I can retain at least a part of our friendship, but that hope is fading fast.

  One of the issues we are having is that he does not understand why I still adore him.

  I have never said anything negative about the other women in his life but... I have often had angry thoughts about them.

  Someone, some woman, has done a number on him and made him feel inadequite. I get so frustrated because he makes so many unfounded, self-depreciating comments.

  For example: he has a successful career, but he isn't successful enough. He has worked his way into upper management in the company, but he has no ambition.

  I've spent countless hours with him. I've worked with the man. I've played with the man. I have had to deal with his frustration when we are trying something new and he isn't picking it up as fast as he thinks he should.

  He is focused and goal oriented. If that isn't a definition of ambitious I don't know what is.

  I find it ironic that I am going to lose his friendship because he can't handle the fact that I adore him. That according to him he can't be the man I deserve.

  That the more I try to make him realize I think he is a good man the more he pulls away.

• 15/03/2008 @ 10:00 UMxx said

  

  Hi Thorn, Oh I am glad you laughed but I was a bit worried. Do you think he is just plain scared of not being able to meet your expectations? Maybe he fears that a relationship with him will inevitably lead to you being totally disappointed in him. I know though what it is like to feel confused about being loved and not knowing how anyone could love me when I am such a monstrously horrid person who should have been put down (this is when I am depressed). It took me a long time to accept love just is and not even death can diminish it. I made a brick about this yesterday. Maybe this is outside of his experience so far. I'm pretty good at hiding up the back of a long dark cave and if anyone tries to entice me out before I am ready I will dig in for much longer than I need for myself - I guess that is part of me controlling who I let close - might he come closer to you if you pull back? how sad for you that he doesn't understand your love for him. I am still hoping you get to sort this out with him in a decent conversation - be well :) UM