Today I got a letter in the mail from my insurance company. It said that I have to pay a deductible before they start covering that mere 30%. And if that wasn't sad enough for me, it also said that Anna had raised her rates since the last time I saw her. I know it was a long time ago, but I always thought her and Dawn's sessions were the same price.
I kind of ignored it for the first few hours, watched television, checked email, made a few bricks. And then when my mother got home, I asked her to confirm that I was getting all of this correctly, that I was reading it right - she said I was. I cannot explain how I feel ... kind of let down, really hurt and very sad. I cannot afford to see her at her price until I reach my deductible. I need to be realistic about this - I just can't pay it. I was going to go in tomorrow and pay her for our last session and half of this new one, which would have been $110. That doesn't even equal the price of one session with her without insurance. I have to call her and cancel again.
Yesterday morning I called her up while I was at work, told her that something was figured out with my insurance and that I would in fact keep my appointment. I don't want to call her up. I don't want to cancel. I want to walk into her office, tell her how badly I've felt about so many different things and that finally, the first time in the last two months - I've felt okay because I had her to go to. I didn't feel the same kind of safe that I felt with Dawn, but I felt safer. I felt like the support I needed was there. The first session took a lot out of me emotionally and mentally. I wasn't okay for a good two weeks after, but after just letting it be for a while, it became okay. I was actually really happy that I had Anna to go to. There is something entirely different when it comes to talking with a psychologist compared to a friend. I'm not discounting friends by any means, but I've relied on a psych for help the last two years, not friends. I didn't have any.
I sit here, clenching my teeth, with tears falling down my cheeks. I'm entirely sad and want to call my friend up and cry into the phone because I don't feel this is fair. I know that nothing in life is fair and that this isn't the worst thing in the world to happen, but it hurts me. I finally gave in to seeing another psych. I gave in to feeling better with myself by seeing her. I was fortunate that she had appointments so close and so convenient.
I talked to my mother tonight about it, secretly dying to ask to borrow the money for therapy, but I already owe her some money. I know she has the money because she is on my bank account and when I check my own, her balance is just above mine. I kind of threw the idea out there indirectly and it was quickly shut down. I think that's what makes my mother and I so different ... if I see someone in this amount of pain and I have the money, I would hand it over willingly, even more so if it were family. My mother is not the same. I wish she were because I really want to go. I feel I need to go.
When is this hill going to get smaller? When will I stop climbing? I cannot see the top from here and my legs are getting very tired. I was supposed to wait a month for Dawn and the entire month has passed, tomorrow we start month two. I was supposed to see Anna, this was supposed to be okay and I cannot afford to see her. I just want to talk to someone who will understand me, my past and how I've actually made improvement - both of them understood this. I feel helpless and in need of a "Dawn like" hug. My slow and silent tears have turned into heaping sobs - it's time to go ...