Comments

• 08/10/2008 @ 22:22 inspire said

  

  harmony, I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but glad you are letting it out. I'm familiar with the 'bad week' syndrome and hope it will get better for you. Remember that as time goes by ... eventually things become a little easier to deal with. You're in my thoughts ...
  Sending many hugs, Inspire xx

• 09/10/2008 @ 06:08 roze said

  

  Harmony, i think that feeling someone else's disapproval and disappointment are the toughest emotions to face - so much more pernicious than anger or blame or the tougher edged emotions. Can i ask whether this is your assumption of what this person feels or your knowledge? Love roze

• 09/10/2008 @ 12:48 UMxx said

  

  Dear Harmony,

  you are such a beautiful person and a generous heart - what they are contained in really don't matter at all. It is only packaging and I always thought the chocolates were better than the pretty boxes. If there is someone in your life who allows you to feel this way then that is too sad - if they "make" you feel this way then this is pretty bad - I think you are a real treasure

  lots of love

  UM xxxxxx

• 11/10/2008 @ 08:41 harmony said

  

  Hi Roze and UM

  Thanks for your messages.

  The disapproval is not my assumption of what the person feels, it's what I felt when I was physically around that person. I now only have email contact with that person so it's not a feeling I need to encounter now - but it was something that I had never admitted to myself or voiced and it was important to me to say it (write it on a brick).

  UM, I love your simple analogy of packaging and contents. If only things were indeed that simple.

  It's not about how I look. It's about:
  

  Not being able to feel in control no matter how hard I try and how often I try

  The intense social oppression I experience as a fat person

  
  The hiding at home when I am not at work because socialising feels like being exposed and setting myelf up to feel bad

  
  The eroding of self-confidence

  
  Diabetes and knowing what may lie ahead if I cannot get a grip on things

  
  Feeling not equal

  
  Feeling, overwhelmingly, a failure because eating is the single area of my live that I have not been able to 'work out'

  
  Feeling scared about living alone with the physical limitations I have

  Feeling defeated that something that happened when I was 22/23 still affects me. That is, almost dying of infective hepatistis when I lived abroad - weighing 6 stones and then being pregant a year later, before I had recovered fully. It sowed the seed that created the imbalance in my endocrine system that led to a full blown eating disorder from about 26 - 33ish. System was totally fucked by then and I had years of what was something like post viral fatigue and then by 42 diabetes and it ahve all been downhill since then

  
  Feeling excluded. Can't even go into a normal clothes shop and find something that fits

  
  Feeling tired and worn out all the time

  
  Feeling judged by others - and crucified by people who know nothing making suggestions on losing weight

  Feeling infuriated by being judged as a fat, lazy greedy git with no self control - I want to shout "Do you seriously think I would be like this if I could effectively do something about it?"

  Feeling not understood by people who think there is a simple solution

  
  Feeling more emotionally attached to food than anything else

  
  At times not being able to stop eating although everything is telling me to stop

  
  Having my head full of thoughts of food that interfere with my day. every day - what will I eat next? When? What will I cook tomorrow? Whats's in the fridge? How can I eat this(at work) without x or y finding me eating it?

  
  Being obsessed with making sure I have good amouts of food stores at home and feeling the need to be always checking and taking stock - I don't feel safe unless I know I could surive a war, famine, plague!!( Although I've reduced this from having enough to feed the street in a disaster to having enough to feed myself)

  
  I've probabaly missed off a million things and will no dopubt need to return to this - I find writing in the relpy box very limiting as I like to see what I've written as I'm writing and I can't do that here.

  
  I have felt very blank for over a week now ---- this is what I was blanking out.

  
  Be back later

  Love Harmony

  
  

• 12/10/2008 @ 19:39 harmony said

  

  Back to this therapy brick.
  Shared this brick with someone who has been supporting me for about 18mths re eating and when I read her response I was so moved that tears were pouring down my face.

  
  Ok - next stage.

  My issues with food are also linked to what I suppose is a bit of OCD. Nothing mega or disabling, but I judge it as strange, Checking food stock, doing lots of mental arithmetic about costs and numbers and how much is enough, how long things might last if there was a disaster etc etc, working out how many people I would be able to feed if needs be, rearranging things in cupboards and drawers.

  I know that food/eating issues are not actually about food/eating but are - like every other addiction/ obsessive behaviour - a way of coping, of keeping the pain away, of managing survival. If I only I knew which of the 3 millions difficult experinces I survived as a child I need to revisit, I would be more than happy to try to turn and explore it head-on, but I don't really know what the trigger was, or what I'm avoiding. I've had so much therapy in my live that I thought I hadn't left a stone unturned, but clearly there is something else - and I don't know what I don't know.

  As I write this, what comes into my head is being very young - from about 7 - and having a sister who lived in great poverty. A no-good husband, 3 children within 3 years and almost no money. I used to be sent every weekend to "help her out" and I know that I was constantly anxious her kids would be taken into care because of lack of money and food. To this day, I do stock takes asking myself how many children I could adequately feed on what I have at home at any one time (not that I need to feed any children, living alone as I do and also I don't have issues about money to buy food.) All these years later, I only feel safe if I know I could feed a few kids to stop then being taken into care. Making me cry again just writing this. I can hear how ridiculous it sounds.

  Enough for now.

• 14/10/2008 @ 11:46 UMxx said

  

  Wow Harmony, you always amaze me by you personal insight - I reckon that's why you seem to be able to make such quantum leaps because you know what is inside so well. Yes and I know also the sense of not knowing all that you don't know - but that can be torturous too.

  Are you feeling okay now that those blanking moments have gone?

  lots of love

  Um xx

• 14/10/2008 @ 16:49 harmony said

  

  Cheers UM
  Interstingly, I thought I deleted this brick yesterday because It was feeling like a very lonesome place here.

  I'm not blank now - which is good as I'm going for a c. session in a few minutes. Love Harmony

• 19/10/2008 @ 06:16 roze said

  

  I am glad that you did not delete this brick. I hope that you are not feeling so lonesome here. What you have written about your feelings is profound and resonant of much else that you have talked about facing in your life. Yet you finish with thinking of how many children you could feed - you have a tremendous soul Harmony, and what you write and feel is extremely moving and not ridiculous at all. love roze

• 22/10/2008 @ 07:46 harmony said

  

  Since I was last on here I had a counselling session where lots of things linked in together and I was able to make maore sense than ever before about how I started feeling responsible for having to be the person with responsibility to store food to feed people in case of emergencies, and how I came to be obsessively doing calulations on costings, how long the food would last under different circumstances, how many people it would feed, how I could strectch it out with nutricous but basic meals - and making uop the reciopes in my head, doing stock checks in case I was out of something and not noticed ---all very exhausting and linked to how I used to cope when I was being abused daily: I filled my head with times tables and mental arithmetic to distract me from what was happening to me. It was a clever and useful thing for a young child and I feel kind of pleased with myself that I was smart enough to think it up at the time. It was uselful then but hasn't been useful to me for DECADES.

  I have just had one full week where I haven't done a stock take, not worked out any costings and not felt very anxious that I didn't have enough food (theres are 6 major supermarkets withign 4 miles of my home!!) Such relief. Could it be that I might have some time and mental energy to spend time doing things by choice and not through obession?????

  
  Also this week I got an email from hosp offering that I stop taking insulin and restart on a drug that I used last year which helped me lose 4 stones in 5 months and made me feel better than I had ever felt in my entire life - it was like I had found the missing substance from my brain chemistry. But it didn't help my diabetes management and I had to go back on insulin (and regained the 4 stones because how insulin affects me me: I lost hope and got depressed).This time the offer includes another drug alongside the one that helped me lose the weight. I've agreed to try and I wil make the changeover next Wed/ Thurs after seeing GP.

  So fingers crossed for me please. I will keep updates on this brick.

• 26/10/2008 @ 21:10 UMxx said

  

  Fingers crossed ! Everything is crossed - what a lovely thing to happen - the offer of that drug - I remember you told me about it - and hopefully the new drug alongside it will do the trick with the side effects.

  My goodness I am really pleased that you didn't delete this brick and I didn't even pick up on how low you were feeling within what you wrote - but you know I do think it is right about what happens just before a quantum leap - you really do seem to have the capacity of untangle a whole lot and then make sense of it.

  Love you lots and full of hopes and best wishes for you.

  UM xxx

• 26/10/2008 @ 21:31 harmony said

  

  Thank you UM.
  Another development is that my lovely lovely MD offered to pay for a consultation with a Harley St diabetes consultant. I've declined but greatly appreciate his continued support.You can't mix private and NHS here: NHS won't pay for anything prescribed from a private consulation and I will need bucketloads of medication for life and paying for it is not feasible.
  This person continually makes me feel valued - I don't know what I ever did to deserve him!

• 26/10/2008 @ 21:34 Overseas said

  

  I really hope this change of drug will work for the best.
  Earlier you talked about things that haven't been useful for decades. Well it's the problem with habits, whatever the reason explaining their existence. They become so much part of your life that you don't notice them anymore unless you stop and take a hard look at them to understand what they are and why! And if they are linked to some very sensitive memories, it can be even harder to look at them.

  About the food issues, you wonder which difficult memory you have to explore head-on, but the way I see/understand it, you were very young when you were sent to help your sister. It means that from very early you were forced into fears and responsibilities for the others rather than living your own life. Your parents perhaps even put pressure on you in the case something bad would have happened to your sister's children.
  Take care, OS°°°

• 26/10/2008 @ 21:53 harmony said

  

  Thanks for your understanding, OS

  Harmony x

• 27/10/2008 @ 05:59 UMxx said

  

  What did you ever do to deserve your consultant?

  I guess you probably show time and time again that you will keep going and don't give in and from his perspective all he does is his best too and it probably gives him a huge amount of pleasure to be able to work with you.xxxx UM

• 02/11/2008 @ 07:53 harmony said

  

  Hi UM

  It's my MD (Managing Director)that treasures me, nor my consultant.

  I suppose MD might mean 'medical doctor' or some such outside of UK - sorry for confusing you.

  Harmony XX

• 02/11/2008 @ 09:59 UMxx said

  

  Gosh that is even better! An MD prepared to do that for you is a great tribute to you Harmony. Oh clearly I watch too much US television as MD is really a term that is used there - we have GP's - my fault for not thinking it through. :) Glad to read that Day 2 of the new drugs is going well UM xxxx

• 02/11/2008 @ 10:41 harmony said

  

  My MD is a complete star - has done more for my self esteem than all my siblings put together over the past 55 years - and I've only worked for him for just under 4 years! I am almost overwhelmingly valued by him.

• 02/11/2008 @ 20:39 UMxx said

  

  or maybe you are overwhelmed by being valued by him ? Oh I don't think that siblings think it is their job to help us with self esteem - I thought their job was to try to break it down ! Actually I don't really think that families are generally great for self esteem - it is such a hot pot of discontent.

  I try to enforce the respect and dignity clause here at home and although my kids get on well with each - well there are those times.

  I'm glad you work with such a fine man. UM xx

• 08/11/2008 @ 20:19 harmony said

  

  First week on new drug over and it'a ll good.
  I feel as if the concrete has been removed from my body. I can move more easily - have walked up to the third floor at work each day. Have also found myself spontaneously running up the stairs at home a few times. Insulin is like poison to me and I am so happy to be off it again
  I have lost a fraction under 9lbs over the past week: I'm much less hungry but I haven't missed a single meal and have eaten an excellent diet.
  Unfortunately since yesterday morning I have what may or may not be flu - I've had a flu jab so it won't be too horrific. I have 36 hours to get over it and be at work on Monday, but at the moment every time I cough I feel like my ribs are broken and I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself.

• 10/11/2008 @ 05:11 UMxx said

  

  Good for you Harmony and great that you are feeling good on the new drugs - just need to get rid of this other bug now ...
  UMxx

• 17/11/2008 @ 20:56 roze said

  

  Hey Harmony, i have just seen this - hope you are still doing well on the new drug and are well over the flu by now. Love roze